The End, Hopefully
by vampirestalker903
Summary: NM. Edward leaves Bella emotionally scarred. She'll do anything to escape the pain, even suicide. When that fails, she attempts a normal life, which keeps spiraling towards disaster. When nothing is safe, who can she rely on?
1. Closer to the End

Don't let memories go of me and you  
The world is down there out of view  
Please, don't jump  
You open your eyes  
But you can't remember what for  
The snow falls quietly  
You just can't feel it no more  
Somewhere out there  
You lost yourself in your pain  
You dream of the end  
To start all over again

_-Tokio Hotel_, Don't Jump

My ragged breath sounded much louder than usual. Everything inside me ached and screamed with longing when I thought of_ him._ If I even so much as thought his name, the gaping hole in my chest would become too much. I would double-over in pain, silently screaming inside. Tears would stream down my face, and I might even stop breathing. I decided to not even think about him at all.

I walked slowly, every step bringing me closer to the end, every step bringing me closer to _him. _I didn't care if he wasn't real. I didn't care if it was my imagination. I knew it wouldn't really be him and it was the best I could have now. I had long gotten over the fact that he didn't care about me, didn't love me anymore. It didn't matter what his feelings were for me, if he had any at all. I would forever love him, belonging to him until the end of time.

Any normal person would have been scared if they were doing what I planned to do. Yet I kept a steady pace, my heart nor breath even racing. The doctors all wondered if I was catatonic. Nothing frightens me anymore. Love, life, meaning, were all over a long time ago. They ended after the words.

"_You…don't…want…me?" _and the gut-wrenching answer- _"No." _

I wrapped my arms around my torso, trying to stifle the pain and the sobs. The action didn't help in the slightest. I tried to concentrate on the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore beneath me, and the gentle breeze blowing through the forest.

Through the soles of my shoes, I still felt the texture of the rough rock beneath me. I peered over the edge of the immense cliff. _"Bella, don't do this. You promised." _I would recognize that voice anywhere, even in death. Blood raced through my veins, my pulse quickening, for the first time in a long time. Hearing his voice was the only thing that made me feel _alive. _It was the only thing that gave me a very faint hope that he cared whether I lived or died.

I stopped and so did his voice. I took another brave step forward. _"Please Bella." _I loved the sound of his voice. It was beautiful, so sweet and smooth, deep and quiet.

I decided to reply to the figment of my imagination. "You broke your promise. You promised it would be like you never existed. So now it's my turn to break a promise." I took another cautious step forward, my action finally starting to sink in. There was no way I was backing out. I could finally be happy, or at least away from pain.

"_Bella," _he warned. I walked to the edge and took a deep breath, hopefully filling my lungs with oxygen for the last time. I closed my eyes. "You wanted me to be human!" I said. "I love you Edward," I then whispered. Warm tears streamed down my face. I took the last step.

"_Bella! No!" _

I braced myself and jumped off the ledge, slipping through the air and into the dark, mysterious waters below. I then knew that this was the end of my pain. My life was over. I realized suicide wasn't so bad after all. I smiled as I plunged deeper into the darkness.


	2. No Refunds

I was shuddering from beneath the pressure of the water. It was a violent, torturing cold. I wasn't numb anymore, having heard Edward's voice. Hearing his voice always left me awake. I felt like I was alive. And now I was praying for death.

I was praying to finally be with Edward in at least heaven. That was the only heaven I wanted. My body was screaming for oxygen, my lungs feeling like they were about to burst. I couldn't find the surface of the water even if I tried. Above and below me, all around me was pitch black water, darker than night. It wasn't as dark and bleak as my life.

I realized the truth of that and found myself in hysterics, which wasn't good on account of the water being sucked into my body every time I opened my mouth. I was laughing because of the shock, and I really was happy. Death was coming, finally. I closed my eyes, deciding against fighting for my life. It didn't really belong with me. Edward was in control of it, whether he knew it or not.

I tried to get the dark nothingness of death to come to me, but it remained stubbornly out of reach. _"Damn it Bella! Keep going!" _I smiled again at his voice. I opened my eyes, and they were welcomed by the stinging of salt water. When my eyes got used to it, I stared straight ahead. For the first time since the day he left me, over six months ago, I saw him. My heart leaped.

He was in all of his perfection. His face was still abnormally pale, as all vampires were. His hair was the same shade of brown, though the waters were swaying it. His perfect, sculpted features stood out in the most beautiful way. I yearned to touch him, but my body wouldn't obey. I just floated, staring at him. He stared back in a look of love and anger. He was angry because I didn't want to live. I didn't keep fighting, which was what my instincts should have told me to do. But my body was so relieved to be almost rid of pain; I felt no want to even try to breathe again.

"_I'm not immortal Edward, this was how you wanted it." _I thought. I started to get dizzy, and the darkness clouded my vision. I smiled in victory. "_Goodbye, my love,"_ I thought. And then the dark took over.

All of a sudden the darkness dissipated, leaving everything a bright, burning, white. I opened my eyes, and that was all I saw- white. I closed my eyes, still unable to escape from the bright light. I heard a low beeping somewhere near me. It was getting on my nerves. I wondered if it was a bomb. I then wondered if I was dead. If it was, death sucked ass. I was uncomfortable and annoyed, and my eyes stung from the harsh light.

"Bells?" I heard my father's voice. "Bella! You're awake. I'll go get the doctor."

I had no idea what he was talking about. Was Charlie dead too? There was no explanation of why I could hear his voice. Maybe death was just like life except brighter. I thought about that, and I guessed it must be true.

I kept my eyes closed, and concentrated on the beeping for something to do. Then a terrifying thought occurred to me. If I was dead…why wasn't Edward here? I felt the ripping, burning, bleeding pain in my chest. All I did was think his name. I broke down and I could feel tears streaming down my face.

I was able to locate my body now. I wished I was still in total darkness. The pain racked through my body, causing me to writhe in pain. I couldn't hold back the agonizing screams. Even in death, I couldn't escape the pain of Edward's absence. Even in Death Edward didn't want me. I seriously wanted a refund.


	3. Hallucination?

So, I guess now I really regret suicide. Heaven was

a.)Not at all like I imagined.

or

b.) I was actually in hell.

I realized the second choice might actually be right because even though I didn't go to church often, I remembered from the few times I went to services, you were supposed to respect all life. I wasn't really respecting life. I mean I didn't kill anybody besides myself, and that had to count for something, right? But I don't know how this after-life affair goes. I could ask Charlie what was going on. I wondered what he could've done to be sent to the underworld. Then again, he might just want to keep his only child company.

_Maybe you're not dead, _a little voice kept on sounding in the back of my mind. I might not be dead, but how could I be alive? I felt extremely dead after I jumped. There was no way I could have swum to the surface, since I hadn't known where that was. I couldn't have just floated up because I would have died from lack of oxygen by that time. The only way I could be alive would be if someone had saved me. It was cold that day, so no one would be on the beach. Plus, I had looked around beforehand, and I don't recall anyone standing by me.

There wasn't anyone there, at least until I saw Edward… And then my chest flared again. I clutched at my heart, trying to help stop the pain. It didn't matter what I tried to do. The pain wasn't physical. I knew I wasn't _really _burning. I knew the pain was all in my mind. I would rather the pain be real though, so I would be dead. _You already are dead. And death sucks. _That was the pessimistic side of my brain.

I started humming my lullaby unconsciously. It really didn't help with the pain. I just wanted to think of Edward though, no matter what the pain. I was rocking back and forth, crying, and humming a song in an extremely loud manner. I probably looked like a fricking nutcase to a person who didn't know me. Well, I probably was a nutcase.

I felt someone coming closer, so I tried to hum quietly. I still rocked though, and it helped me feel at ease. The pain never decreased though, so I was still clutching my chest with my claws.

"Bella, my love, are you alright?" I closed my eyes tighter, trying to get a grip. I hummed louder, almost shouting the notes. _Keep it together, keep it together. Keep it together. _I kept chanting in my mind and humming. It didn't make sense why Edward would be here. I hadn't attempted anything dangerous, or life threatening. Maybe I was in heaven. There was no other solution to why Edward was here, or why he said he loved me. In all actuality, I could have been dead and he wouldn't have cared.

I slowly opened my eyes- they were still blurry from my tears. My pain was still ripping through my body. I was still rocking and humming to the beeping noise beside me. – And there he was. Edward was standing, even more perfect than when I saw him in the water. My sobs and humming stopped in my throat. My breathing stopped along with my heart. I sat completely still, staring. His eyes were the warmest, loveliest shade of golden brown. His skin was almost as pale as the white walls surrounding him. He was dressed in dark grey, which made his skin stand out in a very beautiful, unnatural way. And he was looking at me in concern. _You let yourself go too far this time Bella. You have completely lost it. _There was the pessimism again.

At that moment, I simply couldn't care less. I just stared into his eyes, like a little bird trapped in the eyes of a snake. I couldn't move or breathe, just stare at him, the person I had missed for so long. The regular beeping beside me ceased, but I didn't pay any attention to it. For some reason, Edward did.

"Bella, breathe," he instructed me. I listened to him. Then the beating started again, at its regular pace. Edward walked from where he stood at the door, closer until he was beside my bed. I stopped breathing again. He was so close; I could almost feel the electricity coming of his skin. This had never happened before, in any of my hallucinations. I wondered if I really was in heaven now. But if I was in heaven, why did I have to breathe? I was already dead. I was so confused.

"Edward," I started. It felt so right to say his name again. "Am I dead? And if I am, am I in heaven or hell? Because if you're here, I realize it should be heaven. But earlier, the pain was like it was in life, and then I'm in hell. But now I need to breath and my heart needs to beat, so… could I still be alive…possibly?" I finished with a deep breath.

"Bella, you're alive. Thank goodness for that. But you tried to kill yourself, for what reason? And furthermore, you would have been dead if Alice hadn't seen you, and I hadn't gotten here in time." All Edward said confused me. I closed my eyes again and tried to take deep breaths. When I opened my eyes, he was gone. It seemed like he had never even been there in the first place. I threw my arm over my face and lay my head back on the pillow. _You are officially crazy. You have lost it. You just had a full conversation with a figment of imagination, and you even felt like kissing him. Kissing your imagination, and then he disappeared. _I shook my head, trying to make sense if what had happened.

It was then that Charlie walked into the room with a man by his side. The man was dressed in a white lab coat, carrying a stethoscope on his shoulder and a clipboard in his hands.

"Hello Ms. Swan, how are you feeling?" asked the man. Oh, he was a doctor. I was in a hospital. Things were starting to make sense.

"Umm…I guess physically I'm doing fine but, I'm really confused." I admitted.

"Well Isabella, feel free to express your concerns with me. By the way, I'm ."

"Well…first I thought I was dead. Then I saw…a hallucination."

"The reason you would be thinking you were dead is because you were unconscious. And I have been told you were most likely trying to commit suicide. Am I correct?"

"Uhh…yeah, I did. Try to commit suicide I mean." I looked over at Charlie. He looked like he was almost about to cry. I instantly felt an immense wave of guilt. I had never even thought about Charlie.

"Isabella, I advise you to next time, please see professional help when it comes to depression. Hurting yourself is never the answer. Now about the hallucination, what is it that you saw?"

"I saw…a…man. He was talking to me, then he was just…gone." I didn't want to explain the whole thing. I felt that it would just make me look more insane.

"I think it was most likely caused from stress, dehydration, and most likely some of the drugs we have you on to numb any pain."

"Okay, uh, thanks." I said. nodded and left the room, leaving me alone with Charlie.

"Isabella, please, never ever do anything like that again," he said. Charlie had his face buried in his hands. I felt a few tears fall down my face.

"I won't dad. I promise. And…I love you," I said. He looked up at me, the pain obvious on his face.

"I love you too Bells, always have, always will."


	4. Ignore the Mortals

Chapter 4

If I smile and don't believe  
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream  
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken  
Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide  
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping  
Hello I'm still here  
All that's left of yesterday

-Evanscence, _Hello_

* * *

I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of Charlie through all of this. But the pain had been so strong and controlling, I didn't think of anyone else. I was sorry for my actions, but it didn't mean I would stop. Endangering myself, I mean. Edward seemed to becoming clearer, and I wasn't going to stop when it was starting to get good. I entertained myself with ideas about what my next stunt would be. I had a pretty good idea.

I was released from the hospital the next day. I hate hospitals now. All they do is remind me of the time the van almost smashed me, and…him. He was the one who saved me, but in the end it didn't matter. I would die sometime, hopefully sooner than later. It was his fault in the end, but I didn't blame him at all. I was too human and he was glorious in every way. He deserved better. And better was probably what he had now. That thought ripped my heart again. I curled into the routine postion, and cried until I fell asleep. The pain wasn't getting any better.

_The forest was black. I was running and searching for light. I was searching for a voice. I was searching for anything and everything. It was hard to tell where I was going; the ground was swirling like a watercolor painting. I kept running into trees and running out of breath. My chest was aching with exhaustion. I kept running, trying to find something, anything familiar. Through the branches I saw a bright light. I ran towards it, feeling a shred of hope. I made it through the forest, tripping and stumbling. I had finally reached the light. It was like a wall of blinding white. I stepped through it…and fell. I fell into a dark void. Nothing made sense anymore. I tried to scream, but there was no sound. There was nothing, just black. Finally I felt something. It was the hard smack of my back against water. I was in a watery grave, and I was scared. This time, I couldn't tell the end was coming. This time he wasn't with me. There was nothing at all._

I woke up, screaming and sweating, with scratched across my chest. It felt like my heart had daggers pierced through. I must have unconsciously been trying to get my heart out of me. Maybe it would stop the pain. I couldn't stop crying, so I tried to muffle my voice with my pillow. It seemed to help a little, so I kept it there, not noticing my need for air. I felt my chest constrict, so I let go of the pillow, forcing myself to breath. This wasn't the way I wanted to go, suffocated I mean. I wanted to die in a grand finally, so maybe Edward would be there too watch. The pain started up again, just by the sound of his name. I crushed down the screams, and just let myself cry and sob. I was alone, and I would never get any better. It reminded me of my dream. I fell asleep there, and my dreams were black. Nothing happened, no feeling was involved. That was all I asked for at night; to feel nothing.  
*****

I woke up at 5 am. Today would be uneventful as always. No one dared to talk to me at school; apparently I was a freak. I would be the girl who tried to commit suicide. Everyone would know that now. Even Angela wouldn't talk to me, I imagine. She always put forth an effort to talk to me. I couldn't force myself to seem normal. Normality was foreign to me these days. So was happiness.

I had extra time, since school started at 8am. I went into the bathroom and took an extremely hot shower, even though I didn't really feel the burning. I blow-dried my hair until it was straight. I used my flat iron too. I might as well to try to look normal. I looked somewhat presentable, besides the permanent circles under my eyes and the always-red eyes. For the first time in a while, I looked at myself. I mean, I really looked. I looked tired and depressed. My skin looked much paler than it should. That was probably due to the fact I hadn't blushed in over five months. I didn't feel embarrassment. I looked sick. My bones were becoming more and more visible through my skin. I looked like I had been starving myself. The truth was, I just didn't care enough to eat. I could almost pass for an anorexic model. Except, I wasn't irregularly beautiful. I was just Bella.  
When I looked at the clock, it was 7:45. I put on my coat that Charlie had given to me when I first came to Forks. I made my way down the driveway, into my truck. It wasn't raining yet today, but the clouds looked ominous. It would rain soon enough. When I sat down and turned on the heater, my eyes darted to the gaping hole in the dash board. I had taken out my radio I had gotten for a gift. I didn't need any more reminders about them, there were already too many.

I pulled into the parking lot. A few people were already there, so I pulled up in the middle of the lot. I pushed open the rusty red door. That would be Mike's queue. "Hey Bella, you wanna go out sometime?" asked Mike.

"Sorry Mike, I don't go out, as you have probably noticed," I said without sympathy. The boy should be able to take a hint or two (or ten.) "But do you know where I can find Luke Davis?"

"Oh…alright. But Luke is in Science first period." He answered suspiciously.

"Thanks Mike," I said, hopefully nicely, but I couldn't tell. Luke Davis was the juvenile delinquent, well the one other than me. He's the person you go to if you want trouble. He drinks, smokes various things, and shoots up. And I was in need of his services.

I made my way to building 4, which was where the science lab was. I was hoping to stop him before he got inside. I leaned against the wall, trying to go unnoticed. Eric walked into the lab, eyeing me suspiciously. Apparently he had heard about my weekend stunt.

Finally I saw Luke approaching. He had dark hair, almost black, and blue eyes. He was looking at me mischievously. "Hey, Bella , right?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's me."

"You need something, a shoulder to cry on, beautiful?" he asked smiling.

"I'll pass on the shoulder. I need something though. You got any extra in your car?" I asked.

"What do you want? Marijuana, crack, or heroine?" he asked.

"Heroine," I answered.

"This is legit right?" he whispered.

I nodded lazily, "Yeah you can trust me."

"Meet me behind the gym after school," he answered with a wink. Then he walked back into the science lab. Suddenly, I wasn't so sure this was what I wanted. But I needed to see Edward, and maybe getting high would take some of the edge off the pain.

* * *

The school day passed by in a dragging blur. I went through the day like a robot, or a zombie. I had mastered the skill. I could avoid pain for hours to days at a time.

I heard the final bell before lunch. I dragged myself down to the cafeteria. I hated being the center of attention. Everyone was staring at me, whispering, like I had expected. I had my coat of, with a thin long-sleeve t-shirt on. I cursed myself silently for not wearing something less clingy. In this, you could almost see my ribs and my collarbones cutting through my skin. I was the anorexic, depressed, druggy, suicide-attempting freak. What a name for myself.

I got my usual granola bar and water and made my way over to my table. Without consciously deciding, I ended up walking towards the Cullen's table. I sat down there, in _his _seat, not wanting to listen to the babbling and questioning of other teenagers. I stole a glance at my usual table, and everyone was staring and whispering. Jessica was staring open-mouthed. I pulled out the iPod I had received for my birthday two years ago. I put on the earphones and blasted evanescence, ignoring everyone and everything in this mortal world.

* * *

**Thanks to all my readers! Please review! **


	5. Tempting

Chapter 5

I'm sitting in a room  
Made up of only big white walls  
And in the halls  
There are people looking through  
The win.. the window  
Though they know exactly what we're here for  
Don't look up just let them think  
There's no place else you'd rather be  
You're always on display  
For everyone to watch and learn from  
Don't you know by now  
You can't turn back  
Because this road is all you'll ever have  
It's obvious that you're dying, dying  
Just living proof that the camera's lying  
And oh open wide  
Cause this is your night so smile  
Cause you'll go out in style  
You'll go out in style

-Paramore, _Fences_

* * *

I could hear the bell droning through "My Immortal." I never liked music when he first left, but now I had mastered the skill of pain. As long as I didn't listen to happy songs, I felt fine. That was how I lived now, sad songs and adrenaline rushes. I got up from the Cullen table and made my way to my next class. Biology, the class where, well, where he always was.

The halls weren't very crowded now. I must be late. But I kept the same slow, steady pace until I got out of the cafeteria and into building 5. There was the biology room. I was thankful that the day was more than half over. Soon I would see Edward. The only side-effect could be a heroin overdose. I would take the risk. I entered the lab and sat down at our table. Well, my table now. No one had bothered to fill his seat, due to my anti-social behavior.

Mr. Molina walked into the room, and started his lecture. I paid strict attention in my auto-pilot state. At least, I think I did. I honestly don't remember what the whole thing was about. He never called on me and I never raised my hand. He was over my lack of effort a long time ago. That was the number one reason I didn't mind biology. Mr. Molina left me to my private mourning.

The rest of school passed quickly. Trig was easy, and gym was embarrassing, same as always. After I got changed, I made my way over to the gym and turned behind it. Luke was waiting there like he promised. He was devilishly smiling at me. His smile was almost….attractive. It was strange to realize that, since I hadn't paid any attention to the opposite sex in over 5 months. Depression does that too you. But Luke's smile was tempting and he wasn't bad-looking. Maybe I could semi-break my unspoken promise to Edward. I could break my promise of eternal devotion.

It's not like I would enjoy it. I never enjoyed anything anymore. But maybe another broken promise would make Edward appear again. Maybe I wouldn't have to risk death to see him. I might as well test my theory, and Luke could be my guinea pig. But right now I was focused on my latest stunt.

I stopped a few feet in front of him. "Do you have it?" I asked.

"Yeah, but, you don't seem like that kind of person. Six months ago, you probably never even got grounded. Now all of a sudden, you want to try drugs?" asked Luke.

"Is it any of your business?" I asked with a little anger.

"No ma'am," he said, winking. "I was just wondering. Now where's the money? Or were you planning on paying me in some other form…"

"Nope, you're not getting that lucky."

"Well, I guess it was just wishful thinking," he said. His eyes were sparkling. I was actually starting to like this playful banter. It was the first time I'd had a conversation with another human being besides Charlie and my imagination.

"Well keep on wishing," I answered. Still smiling, he handed me the liquid and the needles. I sucked in my breath. The needles were huge. I hated needles and blood. But to see Edward... I could make exceptions. I turned and headed towards the parking lot.

"Be careful!" shouted Luke from behind me. I kept walking, saying nothing. I flipped him off, and I could hear his quiet laughter. It was somehow enchanting. _Not as enchanting as Edward's laugh. _And with that though, I sprinted to my truck, clutching my chest. I could feel the pain bubbling, about to blow. I felt the tears start pouring down my face. I threw open the rusty truck door and slammed it behind me. I pulled out and sped as fast as my truck could go (about 55MPH) to my house.

The drive was horrible. Tears were blinding me and I was barely breathing. I was trying to get home before I completely lost it. The speeding was making my truck hum in a sickly manner. I pulled into my driveway and climbed out and ran up to the porch. I unlocked the door and tripped up to my bedroom.

I threw myself onto my bed and crushed my arms against my chest, trying to crush the pain. It kept clawing at the edges of the gaping hole. The pain was like a clawing, cutting, burning sensation. I was choking on the saltwater tears rushing into my mouth. I was rocking and crying and then I started screaming. I gathered myself, realizing I needed an escape, something to escape the pain.

Still sobbing, I pulled out the heroine. I stared at the needle. It was long and sharp- piercing. My breathing started to speed up. I placed the edge of the cold metal against my skin. _Bella, stop, right now._ I let out a choked, bleak chuckle. It was working. I pressed the needle in slightly. _Bella, _he warned. I smiled and pressed the needle yet farther, letting the sting sink in. Now just push down… _BELLA! STOP!_

I let the heroin work its way through my blood, feeling it start to sink in. The pain was numbed and I became a little dizzy. Everything around me became brighter, more amusing. I lay back against the pillows, feeling like I was flying. I turned over and Edward was beside me. I smiled and traced his pale features. They were cold and hard like marble. I enjoyed the warm sting I felt whenever I touched him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I wrapped my arms around him. He said something like, "Bella, I can't believe you. You first try to kill yourself, now you're using illegal substances. I should've stayed with you. I never should've left."

"No, you shouldn't have left. You left me and…I…I'm all…alone. It doesn't feel good. It really, really hurts. But I feel…good…now. I mean yeah, I do feel good. You…you are here and that's all that matters. Hah! It worked! Heroin….hah. I should've figured….that out…sooner." I heard a voice, not realizing it was my own. It sounded foreign. I stared at Edward, feeling the temporary high pulse through my veins. I enjoyed it for a long time, though I couldn't measure time.

"Edward…you need to sing….sing me my lullaby." He did as I asked, and I felt the heroin start to dissipate, leaving me in a fog. When Edward didn't leave, I started questioning my sanity. His voice left me drowsy, and I found myself close to sleep.

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	6. She's Dead

Chapter 6

I can't escape this hell  
So many times I've tried  
But I'm still caged inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal!  
This animal, this animal

-Three Days Grace, _This Animal I Have Become_

At first, I just wanted the drugs. Then the want became a need and the need became an addiction acute to the point of pain. I got thinner; my bones were the first things you noticed about me now. Mike stopped talking to me altogether. He doesn't even ask me out anymore. Luke keeps entertaining me. Other than talking to Luke, I have no social interactions. Well, between Luke and _him_ anyway.

My routine became going to school, getting my fix from Luke, escaping to my room, and coming out in the morning. I ate less and less. I still woke up at night, gasping and screaming. I still curled up and tried to crush the pain. I still passed through life in a haze. I still missed Edward, still yearned for him. I tried to stop using heroin numerous times. When I did, I would collapse from the overwhelming pain of withdrawal from my two addictions- Edward and heroin. I remembered him, telling me I was his own brand of heroin. I remembered him saying I wouldn't know his feeling as I had never been addicted to an illegal substance. Now I know, and wished I didn't. Days passed. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months. I would still break down and submit to the pain. I would still rock and gasp for breath. But now, it was less frequent. My clothes became too big, and I had to where a belt now. People always stared at me. They knew I had a problem, whether it was anorexia or using illegal substances, they didn't know.

Edward started to fade. The heroin was still giving me my high, but Edward didn't come always. On those nights, after my high was gone, I sunk to an all-time low. I would only see Edward about once a week. When I would occasionally see Charlie, he would stare at me in unbridled pain. I now had Charlie's pain on my shoulders too. I couldn't stand the feeling of being controlled. I knew I was controlled by Edward, but that was different. I was now being controlled by drugs, and I needed help. I needed out. But I couldn't find a way out. The pain was coming in and destroying me. The Bella that Edward new was long gone. She was dead, and I feared she would never come back.

* * *

_Two months later._

It had been 21 days since the last time I shot up. It had been 21 days since I had been high. It had been 21 days since I had seen Edward Cullen.

The withdrawal was horrible. I rocking back and forth, thinking of Edward. I was shaking and throwing up constantly. I was always cold. The nightmares were more vivid than I had ever remembered. I would wake up to my own screaming. I would continue screaming and crying for hours. It wasn't like before where I could stop the screaming. This pain wouldn't quiet. This pain didn't even allow me to continue in my catatonic state. I was alive now, and I hated it.

I talked to no one now. I couldn't stand even looking at Luke, for fear I would relapse into my addiction. I only went to school so it would take up half of my day. Half of the day that couldn't be wasted on mourning. Some days I couldn't help it though. Some days I ran into the bathroom and sobbed and choked until I threw up.

Today was one of the days when the pain was overwhelming. I ran into the bathroom, expecting it to be empty, as usual.

I was in the middle of throwing up when Angela knocked on the stall. _Crap, I forgot to lock it. _She walked in. "Bella! Are you okay?" She pulled my hair back from my face while I finished throwing up. There wasn't much that came out, on account of not eating. Angela propped me up against the stall wall.

"Bella, I'm worried about you. You don't look healthy for one. Are you… using?" Now it was my turn to answer. I wasn't going to sugar-coat it.

"Don't worry about me. I know all of the rumors. Apparently I attempted suicide, I'm clinically depressed, I'm anorexic, and I'm on drugs. All of them are true except I haven't used drugs for 21 days. And I'm not purposefully anorexic, I just don't remember my need for food." I answered.

"Bella, don't take this the wrong way, but you should go to a phsychologist. I know you're not crazy and I just don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore. I'm worried about you, and I hope you can go back to being more like yourself."

"Listen Angela, no shrink is going to help me. I know you mean well, but the Bella you know, I doubt she'll come back. She's dead. I'm all that's left."

"Well, if you need me, I'll be there for you," she answered me kindly. When I didn't answer, she got up and walked out of the restroom and back to sit with at my old table. One thing I could count on Angela for was her confidentiality.

The rest of the school day passed unceremoniously. After it was over, I went home and locked myself in my room. _I need him. I need him so bad. _The though launched me back into my previous episode of pain. I collapsed onto my bed, holding my chest. I started crying, unmoving, just waiting for the pain to be over, waiting for the rest of me to die too.

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	7. Starting Over

Chapter 7

Their words mostly noises  
Ghosts with just voices  
Your words in my memory  
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,  
I lay down on the cold ground  
I, I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms

-Snow Patrol, _Set Fire to the Third Bar_

I went to school, still drowning in the pain, still screaming inside. When I got home that day, Charlie was waiting for me in the living room. "Bells," he said in his serious voice. I hadn't noticed him until he spoke. "Yeah dad?" I asked.

"Bella you need help. I have let this go on long enough, but honey…you're sick. I am going to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist." Oh no. This would be bad. I obviously couldn't tell them the truth, or I would be labeled a psycho and put in a home. I really didn't need that. So I did the only thing I could do.

"Dad, give me some time. I swear I'll get better. I'll start trying right now, just please dad?" He thought about it a little bit, and then nodded.

"Bella you have a month. If it doesn't get any better by then, I'm getting you an appointment." I looked into his eyes. They were dark and tired. But more than anything, they were afraid. He was afraid for me. I had let him down. I couldn't have him feel this pain like me anymore. I made the biggest decision of my life, besides giving Edward my love. And that hadn't been a choice. It was involuntary.

Edward wasn't coming back. Edward didn't care. I promised myself I would get over him, no matter what. I would keep this promise. I would try to get over Edward as best as I could. I wouldn't risk killing myself anymore. I wouldn't do anything dangerous. I would start life over. I would start my new life; the old Bella dead. I would make what I could of the new me. I'd be the Bella without Edward. It would be the end of some of the pain, hopefully.

* * *

_One year later. _

I was driving down the road in my old pickup one handed. My other hand was intertwined with his. By his I mean Mike's hand. We were going to my house first, and then going out to dinner to celebrate our six-month anniversary. It was the longest relationship I had ever had. Well, it was the longest relationship that the feelings were returned by both parties.

When we got to my house, we both got out. We walked up to my house in silence. I unlocked and opened the door.

"I'm going to change, ok Mike?" I said.

"Ok, I'll be waiting," he said with a wink.

I walked up to my room, tripping over the last step. I fell and caught myself, and the position was familiar. It was the exact way I had fallen at my birthday party last year at the Cullen's. I ran quietly into my room, shut the door, and locked it. The pain found its way out. I could control the volume now, but I still felt the wound, fresh as always. I felt the searing pain, with my arms constricting my chest. I felt the steady stream of tears. No matter how hard I tried to hide the pain, it was still there, a constant part of me.

The quiet ticking of my clock alerted me to the amount of time that passed. I hurriedly wiped the tears from my eyes and walked to the closet. I pulled out a knee-length green gown. It was a wrap dress made of cotton. I looked over my closet. There was nothing blue in my closet, or anywhere in my room. Blue was the color he said looked best on me. Blue was the color I avoided at all costs.

I threw on the dress and looked in the mirror. I had taken to eating more frequently, so I had gained back most of the weight I'd lost. My eyes were still tired and permanently red, like I cried constantly. I yanked a brush through my hair, pulled on a jacket, and stepped into my black flats.

Mike was waiting, as promised. I bounded down the stairs, desperate to get out of this house full of memories of the old me. I fell down the last step, and into Mike's arms. He caught me with a laugh that I failed to return.

We walked out to my truck and I sped towards Port Angeles.


	8. No Matter How Hard You Try

Chapter 8

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter  
As long as I'm laughin' with you  
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after  
After the life we've been through  
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked  
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind  
I must've been high to say you and I  
Weren't meant to be and just wastin' my time

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?  
You know I would die here without you

-Daughtry, _Life After You_

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"Hey Bella, why don't we get some Italian? I heard that La Bella Italia is great," suggested Mike.

"No Italian food. I hate Italian food and that restaurant." I didn't look at him as I said this. I wasn't a good liar before, but now it was part of survival. If I didn't lie I would be considered crazy. So I had become pretty good at lying. The statement about La Bella Italia was halfway true. I didn't hate the place before. Now I did. It was the place I had my first "date," with_ him._

I wasn't prepared for that memory. My guard was down, so the pain escaped. I could feel it, the tearing, ripping. I stifled it as best as I could; the only signs of my pain were my ragged breaths. I didn't even let out any tears.

"Well, we could go get some Chinese. They just opened a new place by the movie theatre." He suggested. I just nodded, not trusting my voice yet.

I followed his directions, and arrived at the restaurant. The outer walls were red, with huge windows. The sign said, _Beijing Dining_. I pulled into the crowded parking lot. We walked side-by-side up to the doors. He pulled one open and gestured for me to go ahead. The entryway was elegant, with a crystal chandelier hanging in the center. The walls were red also, with a traditional Chinese mural on the wall left of me.

We were greeted by a cheerful server. "Hello, how many?" she asked with a slight Chinese accent. "Two," Mike answered. She smiled and led us to a table in the back. We sat down and she walked back up to the entrance to greet an incoming older couple.

I took of my coat and sat down across from Mike. Another waitress came up to our table. She looked like she was in her early twenties. She was slight with dark brown- almost black- hair. She had angular cheek bones and she could have been a model. "Hello, my name is Lin and I will be your server today. What can I get you to drink?" she asked in a sing-song voice.

I glanced over at Mike. He was looking at her with a little too much interest, not that I could blame him. She was beautiful, and I was average. Well, besides the whole emotionally scarred thing.

"I'll have a Pepsi," I answered. I would have chosen a coke, but I tried to avoid that drink also. It was the drink I had on my first date with Edward.

"I'll have a Mountain Dew," answered Mike with a wink towards the waitress. She giggled.

"I'll be right back with your order," she answered with a smile. I rolled my eyes when Mike wasn't looking. I was used to his flirtatious attitude. It didn't bother me. They could have him if they wanted him so bad.

"Do you want to go see a movie afterwards?" asked Mike. I went over in my mind what was playing. I had checked before school this morning to make sure there was a good horror movie, just in case we decided to go.

"Sure. We should see Nightmares," I answered. Nightmareswas about a man who sees demons at night, and something happened, people died, etc.

"That looked good, I guess," Mike answered. He was used to me suggesting the most unromantic movies. At first, he probably just went with it because he thought if I got scared, I'd hold his hand. It turns out; it didn't scare me at all. Mike would be the one closing his eyes at all of the suspenseful parts.

Lin came back to our table with our drinks. "Here you go, one Mountain Dew and one Pepsi. Are you ready to order yet?" she asked.

"I'll have the General Tso special," I answered.

"I'll take the beef and rice meal," answered Mike. She turned towards him and said, "I'll go and get that for you." I'm not sure if she meant it, but it sounded like an innuendo to me.

Mike and I started a conversation over the last movie we saw together. We talked about it until Lin came back out with our orders.

"Here are your orders," she said to Mike with a smile and left. We ate our food in silence. Truthfully, it was pretty good. I always used to get this chicken when I would go out to eat with my mom. In Phoenix, we always went to a Chinese place called, The Fortune Cookie. They had the best Chinese.

After we finished our meal, We got in my truck and drove the few blocks until we reached the movie theatre. I looked at the clock. It was only 7. We got out and walked up to the ticket counter. "Two for Nightmares," Mike said. The show started at 7:05. We made our way to the theatre and got a seat right in the middle. Mike had is arm on the arm rest, waiting for me to hold his hand. I crossed my arms across my chest and waited for the movie to begin.

I watched the movie, only paying a small amount of attention. It was scary, for someone who could be afraid. For me, I would've laughed if I were alone. Mike was closing his eyes all of the time, and I actually caught him screaming. It wasn't even a manly scream. It was a full on, little girl shriek. I couldn't help but chuckle at that. I tried to be quiet, so I wouldn't hurt his feelings.

After it was over, we made our way to my car. He followed behind me to my door and he was about to kiss me when I opened my door. That stopped him from making his move.

We drove home in silence, occasionally commenting on the lame movie. Mike didn't think it was lame though. It scared the crap out of him, but he wasn't man enough to admit it.

I drove to his house. Before he got out, he leaned in and kissed me. It took me by surprise, so I kissed him back. After about three seconds, I stiffened and he pulled away. His kisses weren't horrible. They just weren't anything compared to…

At that thought I quickly said goodbye. He closed the door and returned my goodbye. I drove as fast as my ancient truck would let me and got to my house. I sprinted up the driveway, threw open the door and quietly ran too my room. It was about 10:30, so Charlie would be asleep. I didn't want to wake him up.

When I got in my room, I shut the door and locked it. The pain spilled out and I sank to the floor. I bent over, holding myself together. The tears flowed freely, making a river down my face. I rocked and shook with pain. My chest felt like a bomb had just exploded in it. I felt guilt too, like I had betrayed Edward. It felt like this every time I kissed Mike. I was lying to myself when I said we were in a committed relationship. I could never be in a committed relationship when I was in love with someone else. Someone else who, in this life, I tried to make seem like he never existed.

It had been one year and 21 days since I had seen Edward Cullen as my imagination. It had been one year and 21 days since I had taken heroin. It had been one year, four months, and four days since I had tried to kill myself. It had been one year, eight months, 22 days and four hours since I had seen the real Edward. That thought put me into a whole new round of pain.

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	9. Frustration and Smiles

Chapter 9

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor  
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore  
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind  
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now  
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now  
And I don't know how I can do without  
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

-Lady Antebellum, _Need You Now_

I woke up to a dull light shining through the thin curtains. I looked around and realized I was still in my clothes, my arms still stretched around my torso. My purple covers were tangled around my feet and my face felt stiff from the salt water. I must've fallen asleep last night through the pain. I wondered how that was even possible.

I threw my pillow over my face, anxious to escape into the peaceful quiet of sleep. Not that it was always peaceful, but last night it was, all of the pain having escaped before I reached unconsciousness. My alarm went off, like it always does at 8am, and I decided it was time to get up. I threw the pillow off of my face and threw open my closet. I pulled out some grey skinny jeans and my favorite black t-shirt. I went across the hall to the bathroom and grabbed my green toothbrush. I finished brushing my teeth and got into the shower, leaving my clothes on the counter. I loved the feel of the warm water enveloping my skin, unknotting all of my tense muscles. After I was finished, I dried off and pulled on my clothes, ran a red comb through my hair, and made my way into the kitchen.

Charlie was out fishing, like every other Saturday. Well every other Saturday, Sunday, and every day he has off work. He always asks if I want him to stay home. I never ask for him to stay though, because while he asks, he always eyes the closet where his fishing pole is. And I wouldn't condemn him to stay with his depressed, anti-social daughter. Well, not so anti-social anymore, if you count Mike. I talk to Angela sometimes too.

I opened up the white cupboard and pulled out my favorite cereal at the moment. I went through phases. One week, I ate only cheerios. The next week I would eat only lucky charms. This week, it was shredded wheat.

I got out a bowl and sat at the empty table, staring out the window and into the woods. I hated those woods. That was where he left me. I never walked through the woods anymore. You couldn't pay me enough to even step foot back there.

I finished my cereal and washed the few dishes Charlie and I used. After I was finished with that, I went back to my room and tried to read a book. I started Romeo and Juliet, but the love was too much. I threw the book on the floor. I looked through my small collection of books and opened another book. I got about halfway through before the main character met a man. I threw that one on the floor too. I felt the tears, and wiped then away with my arm. I was like a prisoner, trapped inside all of the pain.

I was frustrated. I hated this feeling. I couldn't listen to music- it reminded me of Edward's love of music. I couldn't read anything anymore- there was always love or a handsome man. I couldn't wear certain clothes because they were blue or drink my favorite carbonated beverage. There was nothing that didn't remind me of him. I picked up a pillow and screamed into it, letting all of the frustration come out. Then I succumbed to the power of the pain and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. The hole hadn't gotten any better.

After all of the tears were gone, I sat up against my headboard. I grabbed a notepad and a pencil and started doodling. I wondered how things had gotten to this point. I was wondering how I could have trusted him with all of my heart, all of my soul, all of _me, _and have it spiral into disaster. I remembered how he used to look at me. His golden eyes were mixed with fear and so much compassion, it was intoxicating. I remember when he spoke to me, his voice was filled with emotion, the main one being love. He was a fantastic liar.

I remembered my best memory. It was when I was in Phoenix, hiding from James. He found me and tricked me into coming to him. All he had to do was falsely threaten my mother's life, and I was in his control. I remember the pain when he snapped my leg. I remember the numbing darkness after the piercing in my arm. I remember hearing his angel's voice. I remember the searing burning pain in coursing through my arm. I remember him saving me, by sucking the venom out. I remember thinking I was dead. But above all, I remember him telling me he loved me and would stay with me while I needed him. It was stupid of me to believe in him.

I looked down at my notepad, and saw the dark grey of my tear-marks. When I looked past them, I saw the most beautiful drawing I had ever seen. It was his face, perfect in every detail. It was the face I tried to avoid in my memories at all costs. It was the face I wanted to see more than anything or anyone. It was Edward Cullen. It was Edward Cullen's face that I had drawn without even realizing it. And it didn't cause pain to look at it.

I couldn't feel the tearing hole in my heart. I couldn't feel the searing or aching. I gasped in surprise at what I did feel. I felt a glowing, warm feeling. I realized this foreign emotion was happiness. I was happy drawing Edward, and I drew him perfectly. Before this, I couldn't even draw a straight line, let alone the most glorious face in the universe.

I ripped out the page and sat it beside me carefully, almost in reverence. I started reliving my memories of Edward Cullen again, and just focused on him. Again, I looked down and saw the same face, just at a different angle. I could see the feelings, drawn perfectly. His eyes were filled with confusion and pain. He looked lost. I guess I drew what I feeling. His mouth was a tense, straight line. I almost cried in joy. I could see his face without pain or life-threatening-idiocy.

If only i had someone to share this with. Alice was gone and I only had one other female friend. Well, only one friend at all. I picked up my cell and went to my contacts. I pressed send on Angela's name.

"Hello, Bella? Are you okay?"

"Yeah Angela I'm fine, well, better than fine actually. Could you come over? I know you are like really into art and galleries and stuff, and I really need you to see something."

"Okay, ummm... I'll be right over," she answered in a puzzled tone. I smiled to myself, the first real smile in about 1 year, 8 months, 23 days.

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	10. Letting It Out

Chapter 10

And all the best lies,  
They are told with fingers tied!  
So cross them tight,  
Won't you promise me tonight  
If it's the last thing you do, you'll get out..

-Paramore, _Feeling Sorry_

Angela pulled up ten minutes later in her little green slug-bug. It matched her usual happy nature. I looked out the window and waited until she looked my way, then waved with a smile. That smile made her look at me in a mask of confusion and happiness.

When she got to the porch, I jumped off the couch and threw open the door. "Hey Angela!" I said with a little bit too much excitement. I had been devoid of every emotion except pain for almost two years.

"Hey Bella, what's going on?" she asked curiously. I grabbed her by the hand and led her to my room. When I stepped inside, she followed and I let go of her hand. I looked at the room for the first time in about 2 years and let out a startled gasp. The walls were blank, no photos or posters. The bed was a disaster of tangled sheets and pillows. The purple bedspread was on the floor in a lump, on account of me throwing it off last night because I was sweating. The floor was empty though besides that. There were a few books stacked in piles collecting dust, except for the two in the corner I had thrown earlier. My desk was blank, with only my ancient computer to rest atop it. There was nothing that gave a hint to who lived here, well except for there being a range of colors excluding blue.

I gestured to Angela that she could sit on my bed, which she did. I walked to the other side of my bed and gently picked up the two drawings. I said a silent prayer, hoping someone was listening, if anyone was up there at all. I prayed that this craziness wouldn't chase Angela away. I was afraid she would be crept out by my apparent obsession with my ex, or the fact that someone I tried to not to think about at all was the subject of my art. I took a deep breath. This was going to be a long story. I started at the top.

"I haven't had anyone to talk to about this and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind very much if I told you," I said without looking at her, afraid of what she might see in my eyes. Angela was a very perceptive person.

"Sure, you know you can tell me anything," she answered. I smiled slightly and started the story.

"Well, he left, as you know. I didn't want to live without him, at all. So I thought hard about it, and tried several different ways to carry out on that. The first thing I wanted to do was break my promise though. When he left, he told me not to do anything stupid for Charlie. I wanted to break every promise I made to him, since he broke all of the ones that mattered." I looked into Angela's eyes. She wasn't looking at me as if I was crazy, just with sympathy. I took that as a good sign and continued.

"Well, I went to a movie with Jess, before she hated me. When we went past this bar, I saw these guys. I was tempting fate, so I made my way over to them. When I did that, I heard his voice. I heard him telling me to stop, because I had promised him. I don't know if I have some weird form of schizophrenia, but it made me feel better, to hear him I mean. So even though it hurt me later on, I still wanted to hear him so badly, it didn't matter. I had pain, and still do. When I think of him, my heart hurts- bad. It feels like he ripped it out when he left," I said. The pain was threatening to explode again, so I constricted my arms around my chest. I blinked back some tears. Angela still wasn't looking at me like I was crazy, so I still continued.

"And so that became a crazy obsession, his voice. I did different things like that, riding on the back of strangers' motorcycles, talking to people who looked dangerous. After a while, his voice started fading, I couldn't stand the thought of loosing him again, so I tried multiple solutions. In the end, I decided suicide would end the pain. I jumped off the cliff, and long story short, I didn't die." Angela was looking at me with tears in her eyes.

"So, I guess after that, I still needed to hear his voice, not accepting the fact that it was unhealthy. I couldn't think of anything else but Luke Davis. I got heroin from him, and kept that up for about two months. Near the end of those two months, Edward started fading. I decided to try and quit again. I finally did, quit I mean. I saw how much it was hurting Charlie and I decided to stop trying to see Edward. That was about a year ago. Here I am now, dating Mike Newton of all people. The pain never goes away though. When a heart breaks, the rest of you will wilt away. I don't think I'll ever be able to love a man like I loved Edward ever." I had said his name now, and the pain exploded. I bent over crying in pain, rocking in regret. I regret ever trusting him with my love, because look where I was now. Angela leaned over and rubbed my back comfortingly.

After I felt the pain recede back into my heart, I started from where I left off. "I was just randomly letting my mind wander earlier, and I thought of him while I was doodling. After a while I really looked at what I was drawing, and there was his face. The best part is that when I draw and think about him, I don't feel the pain."

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I had no idea how much pain you were going through. I hope you know that I really am there for you, no matter what. Your drawings are perfect. They really do look exactly like Ed…him," Angela said. I smiled a sad smile at her. "You know these are amazing. There is an extra opening at an art exhibit this weekend in Port Angeles. I have a couple of my paintings going there. Maybe you could make something too. Plus if someone buys it, you get the cash," said Angela with a smile.

"I'll think about it Ang," I said. I truly would think about it. And who knew, if someone liked the art, I might not have to keep working at the Newton's store. And what could be a better job than drawing the one thing in the world I loved the most.

Angela said she had to go and I looked at the clock. It was already 7pm. We said goodbye and Angela went home. After she left, I started making dinner. I made lasagna, which required some time. I was in such a good mood, I didn't mind talking to Mike in the middle of the preparation. He suggested that we go out sometime this week, and I agreed. I was getting the lasagna out of the stove when Charlie walked through the door.

He froze when I entered the living room smiling. "Hey Bells, you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, actually I'm better than okay. Angela came over today and we had a good time," I answered as cheerfully as I could. I might be happy, but I wasn't healed.

Charlie ate his dinner in a shocked silence. I would look over at him every once in a while to make sure he was okay. After dinner was over, he went to his usual spot in the living room. He sat in his big tan reclining chair in front of the TV and flipped on ESPN. No way was I going to sit through that. I departed into my room after a quick "goodnight."

Once I was in my room, I pulled out some art supplies my mother had given me before I became artistically challenged. The canvas and paint set were expensive and about twelve years old. I had never used them. I sat on my bed again and focused on Edward. Memories flooded through my mind, and I started painting.

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	11. FanFreakinTastic

Chapter 11

With every year that came to pass  
More clouds appear until the sky went black  
And now there's  
No sunlight,  
No sunlight.  
And now there's  
No sunlight,  
No sunlight anymore.

You disappeared with the same speed  
The idealistic things I believed  
The optimist died inside of me  
No sunlight

-Death Cab for Cutie, _No Sunlight_

Time flew by while I was painting. I remembered the first time I saw the absurdly beautiful boy. I remembered his tousled bronze hair, his twinkling tawny eyes. I remembered the spark that would ignite in them the first time I told him I loved him, and every time after that. I remember the way he looked at me the first time we met. He looked frustrated and annoyed and above all hateful. I remember the conflicts raging inside my mind, trying to decide if this stranger really truly hated me for no reason. I know now that my blood tempted him, it called to him. I know now this was just another reason I didn't deserve him, and never would have him.

I remember the silky, warm tone of his voice when he was happy. I remember the sweet, yet menacing cold of his voice when he was angry. I remembered the flame in my heart that still burned full-force with love. I remember that when we touched, an alarming spark seemed to teem where our skin touched. I remember the irresistible force that surrounded him like an aura, beckoning me to come closer. I remember his dazzling white smile that left butterflies in my stomach and stops in my heart.

I remembered what it felt like to hold him in my arms, his sculpted, icy body against mine. I remember the heat I felt when his skin brushed mine. I remembered how perfect he was in the meadow. I remember how he said he was the lion and I was the lamb. In all truth, I probably was the stupidest lamb in all eternity.

I remember tracing the pattern of his granite skin. I remember the way his skin threw sparkles across the ground where we lay. I remember holding his hand in both of mine and searching for the hidden facets. I remember how he almost lost control. I remember him listening to my beating heart, and I listening to his silent one. Above all, I remember how it felt when he kissed me. I remember the blood boiling in my veins, my pulse racing. I remember the sparks and the simmering heat on my lips. I remember his smell, the way his lips taste. I remember the way I attacked him, pulling him closer. I remember the way his hair felt when I ran my hands through it. I remember every part of him in perfect detail.

My hand came to a halt and my unseeing eyes focused. I was looking at a painting with perfect detail. His skin was flawless alabaster, his hair shining bronze. His eyes were a shimmering topaz, filled with deep emotions of love, curiosity, hate, fear, wonder, and torment. He tormented me, the yearning to be near him stronger than ever. I ran my finger across the glorious shape of his lips. I ran my hand over the hair, wishing that miracles actually happened and he would appear before me. I wished and prayed, staring at the painting. I closed my eyes and begged, yet no such miracle happened. I opened my eyes to my empty room. It was a lot like my life now. Empty and devoid of anything that resembled what my previous life had been like- filled with love and balance, and insecurity and fear beneath the good.

I closed my eyes and sighed. His image was plastered across the inside of my lids. Every time I closed my eyes I saw him. The high from remembering Edward sent me crashing back into reality. The trance-like state in which I painted kept me in a shell away from pain. I was out of the trance's protection. Right now, the pain crashed over me.

I inhaled sharply, causing my lungs to burn in response. The pain burned and radiated through every pore of my body. I closed my eyes and crushed my arms into my ribs, trying to breath around the hole of pain. I let the tears flow in a torrent down my face and shook in agony. The pain clawed its way threw my chest. I screamed when the pain became to much. _I hate you Edward Cullen. Look what you did to me! I'm broken because of you. You took away all of me and left me here to rot in pain! I rather you would've let James kill me! At least that way, I could still imagine you loved me as much as I love you. _

Love and hate were strange things. If you love someone enough, you would rather die than see them in pain. If you loved someone, you were there for eternity, to never leave their side. If you hated someone, you never saw past the hate. You vowed to get them back. You wanted to see them suffer in the way they made you suffer. Love and hate are similar feelings. They both last long, and they both are the strongest emotions. They are also similar in the way that if you loved someone with all of your heart, and they did you wrong, hate could creep in and consume all of that love. I could never hate Edward more than I loved him, yet hate still had a part in my heart, no matter how small, for Edward Cullen.

I screamed again in pain and cried to myself until I could cry no more. I still sobbed and choked and gagged, but tears were now absent. I prayed again, for the second time tonight, that I could be rid of the pain. That prayer was answered by unconsciousness, a numbing to the pain.

_I was lying in a bed in the middle of a dark room. I woke up, and started searching for a light switch. I walked around the room, running my hands along the walls. I couldn't find the switch, or anything for that matter. I was about to circle the room _again_ for the second time, when the walls faded from beneath my hand. I gasped in surprise as the wall revealed a bleak void. I, being the clumsiest person alive, lost my balance when the wall disappeared. I fell into the void. I fell for a long time, until my back smacked into a hard surface. I was on the floor of the forest, in the exact spot Edward had left me. It was dark and the shadows between the trees were menacing. I scrambled to my feet and spun around, trying to find light. There was none, so I stared straight ahead into the trees. _

_I heard a rustle from the leaves and I jumped. I walked backwards away from the noise. It kept coming closer until it stopped altogether. I was still backing up though. Then my back hit a sturdy wall, but there was nothing behind me but trees. I turned around and tried to find a break or a leak in the transparent wall to escape through. There was none though. I heard the rustling in the leaves coming closer, and I became panicked. I banged the glass wall with my fists frantically until it hurt so bad that I couldn't continue. I smacked wearily at the wall, hoping that something would save me. The rustling in leaves grew louder until it was directly behind me. I slowly turned away from the wall, shaking in fear. A shadow in the leaves stepped forward. I let out the breath I had been holding in a whisper. "Edward," I said dreamily with relief. He smiled mischievously at me. There was something different about him, something I couldn't pinpoint. I stepped backwards, my instincts screaming at me to run. I didn't understand why. Edward stared at me in curiosity. I realized what the difference was. _

_Edward's eyes were a piercing, livid, blood-red. I let out a startled gasp and whispered his name again. "Please, please Edward, don't!" For some reason I already knew what he wanted. My breathing sped up in panic. A strange light passed over his features, and he smiled wider. Instead of his usual pearly whites, his teeth were sharp and deadly. His eyes were filled with blood-lust. He sauntered closer to me, his fangs sliding over his lips. His eyes glinted in determination. I held perfectly still when he leaned in, smelling my neck. "Delicious," he murmured. I was frozen in panic._

_He lifted his head back to mine and leaned in. His lips gently caressed mine and I felt the electricity of him, even in this demonic form. I shuddered delicately at the sensation of his lips against mine. He pulled away and leaned his head back down to my neck, carefully pressing his lips above my collarbone. I felt my flesh tearing as his teeth sank into my neck. I screamed in pain._

My eyes stung when I opened them to the harsh light of morning. It was Sunday and Charlie would be fishing again. I shuddered at the horrific yet lovely dream. I don't care if he ended up killing me, the kiss made up for it. I moved the dream to the number one of my "Top Ten Dreams since Edward Left," list, or TTDSEL list for short. My other dreams all involved him, but without a kiss.

I climbed out of my bed, not bothering to make it. I pulled my hair into a loose bun, not bothering to take a shower. I wouldn't be seeing another human being besides maybe Charlie today. I trudged sleepily down the stairs and into the kitchen. I decided to change my selection of cereal to cocoa puffs, since the shredded wheat was empty besides the pound of crumbs at the bottom. I dumped the crumbs in the trash can, pulled a bowl out of the cupboard, grabbed the milk from the fridge, and prepared my breakfast. I ate in silence, occasionally glancing at the clock or out the window. After I was finished with my chocolate feast, I walked around the house aimlessly.

I looked in the living room and stared at the pictures above the mantle. There was thirteen of me, all from the school pictures. They started with me being a happy kindergartener missing three teeth, to a fake-smiling anorexic-looking senior.

I started walking around again and decided to stop by at Mike's for a surprise visit. I had been such a horrible girlfriend; I decided I would put forth my best effort to connect with him. I didn't want to smell bad, so I took a quick shower and blow dried my thin hair. I pulled on jeans and a grey t-shirt with some black converse. I threw on an oversized zip-up sweatshirt and made my way to my truck.

When I pulled into his driveway, there was an unfamiliar car in the driveway. I parked my truck and walked up to his house. It was a big, yellow, colonial-style, two-story, house. I knocked politely on the red door and waited for someone to answer. I rang the doorbell, and still no one answered. I pulled open the door a crack and yelled, "Mike?"

I pushed it open a little more and looked into the living room. Mike was there all right. He was sitting on the familiar tan couch with Lauren Mallory. They were making out so passionately, it was a wonder the house hadn't caught on fire. I stared there like an idiot for a few seconds in shock. Lauren realized there was someone at the door and turned towards me. "Shit," she said quietly. Mike slowly turned around and stared in shock. "Shit," he said, repeating Lauren. I felt the traitor tears falling silently down my face.

"Bella!" Mike yelled. I just stood there in the entry way. Mike came running down the stairs to apologize.

There were a lot more tears than before. I felt their warmth leaving trails down my cheeks. "How…you…I…" I said, stumbling over my words, "We…We're through!" I slammed the door in his face. I sprinted to my truck and hopped in, speeding away. Mike just stared at me from the doorway.

What I said before, about not caring if those other girls had him, yeah it wasn't true. I didn't love Mike, but I liked him well enough. It was the shock of it all that had hurt me so bad. It was the fact that now someone else had left me. Edward didn't want me, Mike didn't want me. I had a sinking feeling that I was unwanted.

I didn't know where I was going until I pulled into the driveway. Angela's car was the only one there. I took that as a good sign and I stumbled up her driveway to the door. I was blinded by the tears as I rang the doorbell. I could see her tall silhouette as she answered the door and her long dark brown hair.

"Bella, what's the matter? Are you okay?" she asked. I just stood there and shook my head, the tears making me unable to talk. She pulled me by the arm into her bedroom. She sat me on her bed and went to get me a bottle of water. When she returned, I gratefully chugged down about half of the bottle. She just sat beside me, holding me comfortingly in her arms. I waited until I was able to speak again, and then started the whole story from when we went to the Chinese restaurant, with his flirting. I told her about the idea of trying to be a good girlfriend. I told her how I saw him with Lauren, and how I stormed out before giving Mike a chance to explain. I told her that I probably should've listened to what he had to say before I left.

"No you shouldn't have! I'm glad that you did what you did. That stupid bastard doesn't deserve someone as amazing as you!" said Angela. I chuckled humorlessly.

"Yeah he deserves better than me, the emotionally scarred anorexic. I'm so fan-freakin-tastic," I said sarcastically.

"Bella, when will you see that you're so much more than that? You're a really good person and pretty much the best friend I've had. You and Jessica are who I consider my best friends. And Jessica is a fake bitch. You're just you Bella, and you don't try to be anyone else. I like that about you," Angela said. That was the longest speech I've ever heard her give.

"I wasn't a very good friend to you this past year, forgive me?" I asked.

"Well, obviously," she said. We both giggled.

"Thanks Angela," I said.

"For what?" she asked.

"For everything," I answered. I really liked Angela. I could see now that we were friends, possibly even best friends. I smiled at that idea. I'd never had a best friend before. At least I'd never had a friend that was there for me no matter what. Angela would probably still talk to me if she was in Alice's situation.

"So," said Angela, "have you decided if you're doing the art show?"

"I think I am. I just finished my painting last night." Angela smiled a huge smile.

"It will be so much fun!" she said. I agreed with her wholeheartedly. I needed someone like Angela to talk to, someone who wouldn't judge me and who listened to my problems.

Angela and I spent the rest of the day together, talking and gossiping and she even gave me a makeover. When I was cheered up and my hair was perfectly styled and my fingers were perfectly manicured, I went home. I promised to bring my painting to school to show her. When I got home, I wondered how such a crappy day could turn so fantastic.

But even the best day couldn't keep away the terrors of the night, all of them revolving around Edward Cullen; all of them involving my pain and loss.


	12. Wishing He Was You

Chapter 12

To buy the truth  
And sell a lie  
The last mistake before you die  
So don't forget to breathe tonight  
Tonight's the last so say good-bye

-30 Seconds to Mars, _Modern Myth_

I woke up to my own crying and screaming. I looked at the clock and it was 6am. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, so I grabbed a black t-shirt with gray stripes and a pair of distressed jeans and made my way to the bathroom.

I took a long, relaxing, steaming, shower. After my muscles were relaxed and I was calmed, I stepped out and dried off. After I pulled on my clothes and dried my hair, I looked into the mirror. My old bright, chocolate brown eyes were gone. They had been replaced with hard, brown marble ones. My eyes were dark and impenetrable and surrounded by red. Underneath, there were bruise-like, half-moons. I sighed and closed my eyes, unwilling to think about the changes in me, mentally and physically.

I saw my old scale sitting unused in the corner. I hadn't weighed myself in over two years. I stepped on the ancient whit contraption and watched the dial move. The red pointer rested on exactly 96 pounds. I sucked in my breath and sank to the floor, noticing for the first time in months, my bones prominently through my skin. I had realized I had lost weight, but not twenty pounds. I knew that I had always been lighter, but I had always weighed around 115. I rested my face in my hands, tears dripping silently across my skin. I was sick and broken and I had only one person to blame, besides myself.

I ate a little more than usual, adding an apple to my usual cereal for breakfast. After I finished and cleaned up the kitchen, I looked at the clock. It was already 7:45. School started at 8. I grabbed my orange book bag and threw on my jacket. I ran across the driveway, not paying attention to the slick ice. My feet slid from under me, and I landed flat on my back, the fall having knocked the breath out of me. I scrambled to my feet and took in a gasping breath. I walked slowly and carefully down the rest of the driveway to my truck.

When I pulled into the school's parking lot, most of the students were just entering the building. I let out a sigh of relief. I grabbed my bag and made my way to my first class. Time passed slowly, since I already knew everything the reading teacher was telling us. He was explaining what happened in our newest assigned book. It was Wuthering Heights, something I had already read a million times. I let my mind wander until I heard the shrill ringing of the bell.

I walked out of the building and ran straight into a boy. The force of hitting his body sent me to the ground, dropping all of my books in the process. I sat up on my knees and started picking them up, when I noticed a pair of hands helping me out.

"Sorry about that Bella," said a familiar voice. I looked up into Luke's face and smiled.

"It's alright," I answered self-consciously. Luke was one of the few people of the opposite sex that I wouldn't mind talking to.

"Hey, I heard about Newton. And let me personally say that he was one stupid fucker to waste his chance with you," he said. I looked back up to him and just shrugged. After all of my books were in my arm, he held out his hand. I took his offer and he helped me up. After I was on my feet, he held my hand longer than was necessary. I stared into his shining blue eyes and my breath caught. They were probably the second most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. He returned my idiotic stare with a smile. I shyly looked away and dropped my hand.

"Hey, you wanna do anything later?" he asked. Seeing my look of discomfort, he quickly amended his offer. "It doesn't have to be a date or anything." For the first time I had met him, Luke didn't seem completely sure of himself.

"Yeah, as long as it doesn't involve any illegal activity," I answered mockingly.

"Nah, I stopped the whole thing. I'm clean now and encourage others to be the same way!"he said with mock cheerfulness. I laughed and he winked back.

"So, could I pick you up after school Ms. Swan?" he asked.

"You could follow me home from school I guess, since you have no idea where I live," I answered, still smiling.

"I think I might have an idea where you live," he said slyly.

"What did you do, stalk me?" I asked with sarcasm.

"I don't consider it stalking, I consider it research," he answered. "I'll pick you up at five." And with that, he turned and walked away. I stared after him, biting down on my lip. I knew he was obviously adorable, but he was no Edward. Not that anyone ever could be. Still, I enjoyed watching him walk away, his dark, short, hair being tousled slightly by the wind.

I walked in a sort of daze to Trig, where I would see Angela. She stopped me at the door. I realized the eager spark in her eyes and knew she had seen the whole event between Luke and I.

"I'll tell you at lunch," I said. I knew we would most likely be sitting alone, besides Ben. Angela wouldn't want to sit with Mike, Jessica, and Lauren either. I was actually a little excited to tell her about my "non-date" with Luke.

After Trig was over, we got up to the sound of the bell. Angela and I waited impatiently for our lunches, and I grabbed a granola bar, a salad, and lemonade. Angela and I speed-walked over to my usually empty table; well the Cullen's usually empty table. I noticed that Angela was sitting in Emmet's old seat, the one closest to where I sat. I quickly overlooked that, not wanting to go through the pain.

"Okay, spill," she commanded. I quickly obeyed.

"Okay, so I ran into a random person, not realizing it was Luke. I obviously fell as you saw. I dropped my books, and he helped me pick them up. Then he said he was sorry about me and Mike. Then he just asked me to go out with him tonight, and I said sure. He said that it didn't have to be like a date. We could just go as friends," I answered.

"I think it would be good for you to have a male friend. Then maybe, if you feel like it, it could develop into more," Angela said.

"Yeah, maybe," I answered. I actually thought about that possibility, not minding having a boyfriend if Luke was in the equation. Somebody else had my total love, but I was allowed to like someone else, right? I mean, he was the one who didn't want me. I should be allowed to try to make someone else happy, even if I couldn't be happy.

Angela, Ben, and I talked about all kinds of different things, including the lamest movies ever. I enjoyed our conversation, even laughing at some of Ben's cheesy jokes. It turned out, I really like Ben. I could see us easily becoming friends.

After school was over I got to my house and went directly to my room. I was nervous about my date with Luke, and I went over numerous outfits. I wish I had Alice with me… that thought put a few tears in my eyes, and I waited for the pain to pass. I missed my ex-future-sister more than anyone would believe.

I decided on some distressed skinny jeans, black flats, a white tank top, and a 3-quarter sleeved, purple sweater to go over top. The purple sweater tied in the front and it didn't have any buttons. It was casual, but it would still look fine in a restaurant, depending on where Luke took me. I straightened my hair until it was stick-straight and I put on a little mascara and silver eye shadow. I looked into the mirror and decided I looked okay. Then I heard the sound of the doorbell, and I made my way downstairs.

I opened the door to a rather handsome looking Luke, if I do say so myself. His hair was a little tousled and his eyes were like a deep ocean. He was wearing a grey t-shirt with the long sleeves pushed up. His jeans looked perfect on him.

"Bella, wow, you look…beautiful." He said. I smiled a little and grabbed my coat.

"So where are we going?" I asked. He smiled widely.

"It's a surprise," he answered. I shrugged and followed him out to his car. He had a big black Chevy pick-up. It fit his personality somehow.

"So we have a fellow truck owner?" I said casually. "Yes we do," he answered.

He sped through the town streets until he reached an almost-empty parking lot. He opened his door and climbed out. I opened my door, and stared at the long drop to the ground. Luke saw the nervous expression on my face and came to my aid. He held out his hand and helped me out. After I was safely on the ground, he didn't let go of my hand. I enjoyed the warmth, being used to a certain icy touch. I didn't feel sparks and electricity, but that was alright. I knew I would never have another love like _him_. Luke grabbed a plastic shopping bag out of the truck bed, and led me to a bench.

I looked around and noticed we were in the middle of a park. It must have been Forks' only park, Liberty Park. It was beautiful, with winding paths through the woods and streams along the paths. We were on a wooded hill that overlooked the whole park. I stared at the view, reviling in the beauty. Luke reached into the bag and pulled out two water bottles and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I laughed a little at his cooking skills.

"Not a man of the kitchen, are you?" I asked.

"Hey, I didn't screw these up, now did I?" he asked jokingly. We ate our sandwiches quietly, sometimes commenting on different things. After we were finished eating, he led me onto one of the paths. We walked, holding hands. After a while, we came to a clearing. I looked around and realized we were standing on a cliff. The sky was beautiful. I could see the stars starting to shine a little through the clouds. I stared at the beauty, enjoying the feel of the cool wind across my skin.

I turned to Luke. "Thanks for tonight. It's really amazing," I said. Some strange look flashed in his eyes and I couldn't turn away from him. I felt his warmth getting closer as he leaned in a his lips touched mine. He felt warm and comforting. I leaned back into his kiss, and it got warmer and more passionate. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he intertwined his around the small of my back. We kissed until time seemed to disappear. It was the second best kiss I had ever had in all of my life. He started kissing me more eagerly, and I couldn't find the will to stop. He pulled back for breath, both of our breaths ragged and our hearts beating fast. He leaned back in and we kept kissing until he pulled me along the path, still kissing.

We made our way slowly back to his truck, still intertwined. He opened his door and placed me in my seat, breaking away. He quickly went around to his side and got in. He drove me home with a triumphant grin across his features. I felt my guilt seeping through the bravado. I choked it back. When I got to my house, I said goodnight and quickly made my way to my room. I got in, locked the door and collapsed on my bed. The tears flowed freely, the hole ached, unforgiving. I was a cheater, no better than Mike. I belonged to Edward, and I was kissing Luke. Life was so confusing now. I wanted nothing more than to be with Edward, have him kissing me and holding me. I wanted Edward to love me. But I knew that was impossibility.


	13. Given Away

Chapter 13

I'm in the business of misery; let's take it from the top

She's got a body like an hourglass; that's ticking like a clock.

It's just a matter of time

-Paramore, _Misery Business _

The hours ticked by slowly in my hole of pain. Charlie had knocked on my door numerous times, but upon hearing my breakdown, he left. I hated myself for not being enough for Edward, and for giving myself to someone other than Edward. I hated Luke for making me want him, even if I was in love with Edward. I also hated Edward himself, for leaving me and for not being there when I needed him most.

The pain was exhausting, infuriating. The worst part was that I felt guilty, but unlike kissing Mike, I liked kissing Luke. Unlike Mike, I couldn't bring myself to regret kissing Luke. That made the pain much, much worse. I pleaded with someone, anyone that was listening.

"Please…please…Edward…come…back," I whispered in between sobs and tears. I buried my face in my pillows, trying to find sleep, begging for unconsciousness, or better yet, death.

The light was streaming in my window when I woke up. I stared at the clock on my bedside table and realized it was already 7:30. I ran to the shower and was in and out in five minutes. I dried my hair just enough so that it wasn't dripping. I ran into the kitchen and downed a granola bar and a cup of water before sprinting to my truck. I sped down the highway, occasionally glancing at the clock that said 7:55. I finally got to school with one minute to spare.

I practically ran to my first period reading class, receiving a look of disapproval from Mr. James, the teacher. I sat in the last seat in the back and buried my face in Wuthering Heights, trying not to actually read the words. I couldn't stand another word about love or I might actually have thrown up.

After reading, I walked to my next classes in a painless daze. When I entered Trig though, I perked up, seeing Angela waiting for me. I was there early anyways, so I gave her a play by play of my date yesterday. She listened with interest and a spark of jealousy.

"Wow, Luke Davis. He is so hot. I'm so happy that it turned out good for you. I hope he can help you get over, well…you know," she said, her voice dropping to nearly a whisper. I smiled appreciatively back at her.

That was when the Trig teacher started going on about what our lesson would be today, and I returned to my previous zombie state.

When we got to lunch, Luke was sitting at a table all alone. When he saw me, he gestured for me to sit by him. I had been here before, the exact scene. The only thing that was different was the person waiting for me. It was too much. The pain shot through me like a rocket, sending a look of agony across my face. I clutched my chest, hoping no one saw me. Luke came rushing to me, asking what the matter was. I just shook my head and tightly pressed my lips together. He tried to help me, but I pushed him away and ran to the bathroom. Angela quickly followed.

I was sitting in one of the stalls, crying and shaking, feeling so embarrassed and horrified. I felt the ripping of my heart, the burning of the emptiness. I felt the breath being stolen from me, forcing me to choke for more oxygen. I felt Angela's comforting arms around me. I buried my face in her shoulder and let the tears flow freely.

After the pain decreased, I looked up at her, planning to apologize. She saw the apology in my eyes though. "It's fine Bella," was all that she said. I shook my head in disagreement. "No, nothing is fine Angela. I'm emotionally scarred and I can't even kiss a boy without wanting to hang myself. I feel so guilty after everything, even though he was the one that left me. And I want to be with Luke so bad, but Edward has my heart," I said in a thick voice.

"You'll get through it Bella, like you always do. You're so much better than before. You'll be fine." I hoped Angela was right.

The rest of the day went by uneventfully. When I got to my truck, Angela was waiting for me to show her the painting. I opened the door excitedly, and pulled out the covered canvas. When I pulled the cover off of the painting, Angela gaped.

"O my gosh, Bella that is beautiful. It looks exactly like him and it shows so much emotion. My paintings will look like amateur work next to your work! You know, I can't believe it's almost graduation! only another week!" she said smiling.

"I highly doubt that," I answered. I hadn't even thought about graduation, with so much on my mind. Angela had to go, so she waved goodbye. I waved back and climbed in the truck. I cranked up the heater and started driving. When I pulled past Luke's truck, he waved and I waved sheepishly back.

When I got home, there was a note on the refrigerator from Charlie. I picked it up and read over it. _Hey Bells, I'm going to be working late this week. You probably won't see me much. Love you, always have and always will, \Dad. _

I put the note down and went to my room. I took out my cell and set in on my desk to charge. I heard my ringtone, Break by Three Days Grace, go off. I wondered who would be calling me. "Hello?" I answered. I heard someone's breath and then the line went dead. _Stupid prank callers. _I picked up my book bag and finished my different homework papers. When I looked up at my clock, it was already 8pm.

I heard the phone ring again, and when I answered it, I was greeted by a familiar voice. "How did you get my number?" I asked.

"I have my ways. Remember, I research," he answered.

"Listen Luke, I'm sorry about lunch. It was just, well me being the emotionally screwed up freak that I am."

"It's all right. I actually think that's pretty sexy," he said jokingly.

"Yeah, alright. So why did you call?" I asked.

"Well, I wanted to know if you wanted to go out again sometime," he asked. I weighed the pros and cons quickly in my head.

"Sure, when?" I asked,

"Well, Tyler Crowley is having a party Friday night and I think you should go with me, if you want," he answered.

"Sure, sounds like fun," I answered. Shit. Here comes another night of merciless pain. But Luke was just so cute; you didn't want to turn him down. For some reason, he just seemed to pull me in like a magnet. He was a very dangerous, heart breaking bomb. I didn't know it, but my time of sort-of happiness with Luke was already ticking away.

* * *

_*Friday* _

All of my artwork had been successfully completed over the week. The week passed by with mediocre days and dark nights. Luke's flirting never decreased, and neither did my level of pain. I learned to endure it though. It's not like I had a higher tolerance level, more like I had grown to know each stab of pain. I knew it couldn't last forever. I took courage in that fact.

Angela had come over yesterday and looked at all of my paintings. She absolutely loved them, to say the least. They were all related to Edward. Out of the three, one of them was his face, another of his hands holding an apple, and the third was the meadow, complete with sparkles coming from seemingly nowhere. I had finally found my niche in the world of creativity.

School today went by slowly. I forgot about the party almost entirely until Angela wished me good luck on my date at the end of the day. I knew luck probably wouldn't help me.

Luke picked me up for the party at 8pm, his eyes as bright as ever. I had taken time to carefully straighten my hair and put a little effort into my makeup. I was wearing a red v-neck long sleeve t-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans. I put on my favorite black converse and we headed out the door. I smiled at the warm night air carefully caressing my exposed skin. It was late spring, and the temperature was in the lower fifties.

We got into his truck and drove to Tyler's, keeping up a lively conversation over my favorite horror movie, Screaming Trees. It was about a little girl who got killed in a forest, and killing everyone who came there after her death. Some stupid teenagers go in on a dare and spend the rest of the night in the forest, narrowly avoiding death from different causes. Only when the sun comes out, does the demonic child's power evaporate. It was really predictable, but I liked predictable.

When we pulled into the driveway, I could tell we were already some of the last people there. Tyler's parents were out of town, so he invited everyone in the school apparently. People were doing extremely random things in the front yard, and some things not entirely appropriate for a party. I shuddered and Luke grabbed my hand in his. I smiled up at him. He smiled back.

We were greeted by a clearly drunk Tyler. "Hey man! This your new girl? Pretty ain't she?" he said laughing. I rolled my eyes and so did Luke. We walked around for a little while before settling in the kitchen, one of the emptiest rooms in the house.

"You want something to drink?" asked Luke warmly.

"Yeah, I guess. What do they have?" I asked.

"Let me see. They've go beer, hard lemonade, and more beer." He answered jokingly. I didn't really like alcohol. I had drank it once before, during my early depression stage. Beer wasn't so bad though.

"I'll take a beer," I answered.

"As will I," he said. He pulled me to the dining room, where the keg was, and got two cups of the amber liquid. He handed me my cup and we bumped glasses, a sort of toast. Some of mine spilled out of the cup at this point, and we both laughed. I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up.

After I threw away the soiled napkin, we both took sips. Well, I took a sip, Luke took a large gulp. I hoped he had a high tolerance. We went to the den and sat down on the empty couch. We continued our conversation from the ride over, and I finally managed to convince him that the movie wasn't so bad. It was hard to talk over the booming music, but we managed to do so. I was about to take a sip, then realized I was out of beer. Luke volunteered to get us some more, so I gave him my cup and he went to the dining room. It was then that Mike chose to make his move.

"Hey, Bella," he called from the doorway. I sighed and rolled my eyes. He stumbled over to me drunkenly, and I held my breath. He smelled of vomit and alcohol, not the best mixture in the world.

"Listen, I really need to tell you I'm sorry," he slurred. "But, you were such a damn tease!" I felt the familiar heat rising to my cheeks and I ran out of the room. Of course I was a tease. I didn't want any man to touch me like that except Edward Cullen.

I bumped into Luke who was carrying our drinks, and he stopped suddenly when he saw my face. "What's the matter?" he asked. Then seeing Mike behind me, he yelled, "Newton! What did your scrawny ass do to my girl?"

Mike looked like he was about to throw up, but from fear this time, not from drinking. I quickly grabbed Luke's arm and drug him back into the den, where Mike had quickly fled from. We sat down and I rubbed my hand on his back, trying to sooth him. An hour and 5 beers later, that turned into a full-out make-out session. We were alone in the den, and Luke was kissing me with a force that Edward never had. I slowly moved my hands down his chest, and he got the message. I would show Mike. I wasn't going to be called a fucking tease.

About fifteen drunken, passionate minutes later, I had lost my virginity. Luke and I were in the den, wrapped in each others arms. "Can you drop me off at my house now," I said lazily. The alcohol had affected me a lot more than it had Luke. He led me out of the crowded house and into his truck. The pain wasn't as noticeable as when I was sober, but I still felt some traces of it rising to the surface.

The ride home was quiet, none of us bothering to make conversation. He had this strange expression on his face, like he had just won a prize. When he pulled into my driveway, I noticed Charlie wasn't home yet. Thank goodness, because I'd have a lot of explaining to do.

When I was about to get out, Luke grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards him. He leaned across the seat and kissed me gently on the lips. I kissed him, feeling his all-around warmth flow through me. After we broke away for a breath, our foreheads against each other, Luke spoke. "I love you Isabella Swan," he said.

Those three words sent me into a full on panic attack. I broke away from him at an alarming speed and ran up to my house in the same manner. Luke just stared, dumbfounded, at me from the driver's seat. I frantically slammed the door, and leaned my back against it, shuddering in horror. I shook with uncontrollable pain and anguish. I had just given myself to someone other than Edward. And that someone was now apparently in love with me, though I couldn't love him back. I couldn't love anyone. No one other than Edward Cullen. I shook my head in disgust with myself. I wished I could die; the shame and guilt consuming me.

I stumbled and tripped my way up the steps and into my room. I locked the door and grabbed a bucket, feeling the night catch up with me quickly. I was crying and shaking, gasping and gagging. I threw up about 4 times, and then somehow made my way into an incoherent daze. The painting of Edward's face was across the room, leaning on the wall. It was staring back at me, with what I imagined a look of disgust as great as my own. I stared back at the angel's face, half consciously, half unconsciously, until the light of morning peeked it's way through my window.


	14. Over With

Well it's a sad picture

The final blow hits you

Somebody else gets what you wanted again and

You know it's all the same

Another time and place

Repeating history

And you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do

And I'll do anything to see it through

-Taylor Swift, _Change_

**Alice's POV**

I was pacing up and down the long hallway, searching for something, anything. I was searching for a vision of Bella, or even about someone surrounding her. I was searching for Charlie, Angela, Bella, and even the horrid Mike Newton.

I was tired of staying away from my best friend. I was so mad at Edward for making me leave her, that I just started talking to him a few months ago. It wasn't that hard to ignore him, considering the fact he doesn't even live with us anymore. Yeah, that's right. He doesn't live with us because he's too busy pouting about not being with Bella. I always tell him it's his fault, and he always replies with, "It's for her own good."

I haven't seen a vision of Bella since we left her, almost two years ago. Edward commanded me to not look for her, so I didn't at first. Then I got fed up with him acting like he's the only one that's hurting. It hurt me too, leaving the only best friend I'd ever had, well besides Rosalie. And she was being an awful big bitch these days. I blame it on some strange type of vampire PMS. She always makes up excuses like, "I'm hungry," or "I'm having trouble fixing the car," but we all know she's bitchy because she's worried about Edward. His leaving Bella put so much strain on this family.

Still pacing, I heard Jasper approaching. He put a calming spell over me, and I relaxed into it, and then snapped at him. "Jasper! I need motivation. Anger and frustration is my motivation. If you can't stand that, go find Emmet! His feelings are always positive."

Jasper silently strode off to the second story, where Emmet was "watching" football. He had nothing better to do, so I couldn't blame him. I kept sifting through memories of visions and new visions, none of them relating to Bella. Then I got something, and I froze.

_Bella was sitting on the floor. She was in a public restroom, with her hair falling over the wasted remains of the Bella I had once known. Her face was more concave then before, and her bones were the most prominent part of her. Her head was in her hands, like she was crushed in sadness. I yearned to comfort her, but I knew she was somewhere far, far away. I noticed a distinct pattern on the bathroom floor. It was the floor of a place I knew vary well. Esme and I went to the Seattle art gallery frequently to buy pieces for the new house. Bella looked so distraught, I couldn't look away. Above her, there was a clock. It said the time was 9:32 pm. The date was written on a pamphlet lying beside the stall. It was May 31, 2010. Tomorrow._

I was awoken out of the vision by Jasper's light shaking. He had his hands on the top of my arms, and was looking down at me worriedly. I finally looked back up at him, and then I realized I was crying. I was gasping for breath and sobbing. I wrapped my arms around Jasper, needing all of the comfort I could get. "It's Bella." I whispered. Jasper just held me tighter, and I melted into him, feeling weak. I knew I couldn't help Bella now, but there was one thing I could do. With that thought, I put away the tears. I was now on a mission.

I pulled out of Jasper's embrace and placed a quick kiss on his lips. "Thank you," I said with a devious look in my eyes. "Alice," he started questioningly.

"Shush," I said, putting a finger to his lips. "If you don't want to be in trouble with Edward, you better leave so you don't know what I'm doing. Then I'll be the only one to blame," I said smiling slyly. Jasper looked at me cautiously, then strode back to Emmet's room.

As soon as I heard the door click closed, I pulled my little silver cell phone out of my pocket. I scrolled down the contacts and clicked on his name. I heard three long beeps, then the phone was answered by a rather melodramatic sounding Edward.

"What do you want Alice?" he asked. I smiled, trying to hide the giggles. My plan would work perfectly.

"So, where are you living now?" I asked, feigning real interest.

"I'm in Rio. Now what do you want?"

"Fly back up here. It's almost Jasper and my anniversary, and you are going to help me pick out his present. I want to go to an art show in Seattle, and you're not getting out of it," I declared.

"Fine, I'll be there as soon as I can. See you tomorrow," he replied in a bleak tone. I was about to answer when I heard the click and the beeping. I couldn't believe that he would hang up on me. Well, I could believe it. I flipped the phone shut and started pacing again, still trying to find something more about my best friend.

***

The next day I was going through visions in my mind; some of the stock market, the weather, my family, and some occasional humans. I was awoken out of the daze by a beautiful melody. That was a melody I knew very well, one that haunted me with memories everyday.

I leaped down the stairs and bounded into the living room, knocking over the stiff figure at the piano bench. We hit the floor, and I hugged him closely, having missed my brother tremendously. "Edward!" I shouted.

"Hello Alice. Next time, could you refrain from knocking me off of the piano bench," he asked in a monotone voice. I had forgotten that Edward had no emotion now, except for the occasional moments of pain.

I missed my brother, the one who made me laugh. I missed the brother who called me a huge pain, yet in his eyes you knew he meant none of it and would forgive you for anything. He used to smile at me and sarcastically remark on my fashion choices; though they always looked fantastic- I never doubted that. He would roll his eyes at my enthusiasm, and mock me jokingly. I missed Edward and Bella. Everything now in this house was engulfed upon by the dark shadow of loss.

I pulled my self up and turned away from him, feeling extremely disappointed and rather depressed. "We're leaving at five," I said sharply, more than annoyed and ready to get the gloominess over with.


	15. Roses are Red

Do I have to fall asleep with roses, with roses in my hand?  
And would you get them if I did?  
No you won't...  
'Cause you're gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart  
The waking up is the hardest part

_-_John Mayer, _Dreaming With a Broken Heart_

* * *

The light in my window seemed to burn me, to make me ache. The light was uncomfortable and a little stinging. That was just in my mind though, since I knew that the light meant a new day. A new day meant actually trying to act normal. Today meant that I would have to show my art at Angela's show. I groaned internally at the thought of talking to strangers. Well, at least I might not seem as strange to the other artists. Sometimes the most brilliant artists were a little strange. Like, Van Gough. He cut off his own ear because he heard a constant ringing. He also drew one of his best works, _A _

_Starry Night_, in a mental asylum, where he was housed.

I lay, loathing myself until the sun was directly overhead. I couldn't hide from the world forever, no matter how much of a horrible, slut, backstabber I was. I still was in shock. I knew I didn't love Luke; attraction didn't equal love. In fact, I almost hated him for taking advantage of me while I was under the influence. But, I had made the first move, so I was as much to blame as him. The worst part was knowing that I didn't save myself for Edward, even if that meant dying a virgin. Not that that was an issue now.

I got up on my shaking bone-body, and went down the stairs toward the kitchen. I hadn't slept last night, except maybe occasionally going under unknowingly. I had a major headache, due to alcohol. I grabbed to Advil's, and a glass of water. I quickly swallowed the pills, wincing at the feel of liquid traveling down my scratchy throat. I had cried for a long time, and the throwing up didn't exactly help.

I was still in my clothes from last night, my phone still in my pocket. I heard the booming of my ringtone and looked at the id. Luke. I didn't exactly want to talk to him, now or ever. I let him go to voicemail, and then checked the voicemail. Apparently I had seven missed calls, all of them from Angela and Luke. Angela called twice to remind me about the gallery tonight, sounding worried on the second call. Luke called the other five times, the first time asking what was the matter with me. The second time he asked if I wanted to go on another date with him. _Uh, definite no_. The last three were all apologies about the night before, and the first two messages.

Not feeling like talking to anyone, I texted Angela, telling her I was fine and that I would be at her house by five. We still had to drive to Seattle and get our paintings set up at the gallery by eight, so we would be a little short on time.

I looked at the clock on the stove, and it said 3pm. I was shocked that I had lay there for so long. I quickly got in the shower and made sure I was extra clean. I let the heat unwind my muscles, but it only helped for a moment. Once I got out of the shower, the relaxed feeling was gone, like my virtue the night before. I broke down at that moment, knowing even if he came back, I could never give myself fully to Edward. I started crying and shaking, waiting until the pain stopped to breathe. I felt the stabbing knife of my pain crush my heart, chipping off a little more of it. What people said, about their hearts breaking suddenly, yeah it wasn't true. At least not for me anyways; instead of my heart breaking all at once, it broke a little every day. Pieces of it broke of every time a tear slid down my face, every time I said his name, and every time I looked in the mirror and tried to tell myself that he wasn't coming back, that I was alone. I felt the tremors and waves of pain rack through my body, until they died down. I finally regained enough composure to stand up.

I wrapped a fluffy white towel around my body and walked across the hall to my bedroom. I stepped out of the towel and quickly put on my underwear and bra, then stared at my closet, pondering what to wear. I scanned through the different choices, and decided this was probably a formal occasion. I picket out two outfits, the first were black trousers and a green button-up shirt. The other was a grey skirt that hugged my curves, and a crimson ruffled blouse. I decided on the latter option, and quickly changed. I walked back across the hall and into the bathroom, planning on fixing my hair. I brushed through the wet tangles and blow-dried them. Once it was completely dry, I plugged in my curling iron and went back downstairs for some food.

I wasn't hungry at all, due to self-despising. So, I grabbed an apple and a glass of water. I quickly ate those, and washed the sticky residue off of my hands. I walked back upstairs to check on the curling iron. The little light was bright red, so it was ready. I made my hair wavy with a little curl, and tried to piece together my best smile. I gave up after a while, and just tried to remember to not look completely depressed.

I studied my face, seeing the same red-framed eyes and dark shadows. I put some concealer under my eyes and some blush on my cheeks. I put on a little mascara, and decided against any other makeup. I was going for a natural, happy look. I probably pulled it off as pathetic and sad.

I looked at the clock in the bathroom and realized it was already 4:30. I went back to my room, gagging at the smell of vomit. I grabbed the full bucket and dumped it down the white toilet. There wasn't even much in it. It looked like I hadn't eaten anything in a week. I closed my eyes, trying no to through up again. The sight and stench were starting to make me gag. I quickly flushed the toilet and washed my hands.

Back in my room, I put on my only pair of black heels, and put on some perfume Renee had gotten me for my birthday this year. This was the first time I had ever worn it. It was much more Renee-ish than Bella-ish. Renee was like flowers with a hint of sunshine. Bella was more of a deep vanilla with a little bit of nighttime.

I walked downstairs, where everything was empty. It was barren of all life forms, except for me. It reminded me of my life, where people still tried to talk to me, but I was still alone, in my own pain. No one could really understand what I was feeling, no matter how hard they tried. It would be like the pain of losing your lifelong partner to death. It was like watching yourself loose your whole life, including you love, your future family, and even your own life, except about five times as bad.

I grabbed my best jacket, a black trench coat, and pulled it on over the red shirt. I pulled my purse off the hanger, grabbed my keys out of the pocket of my other coat, and walked out of the house, and into my rusty old senior citizen truck. I turned up the heat and backed out of the driveway suspiciously, avoiding the mail box just barely.

I drove towards Angela's house, my paintings in the passenger seat. I didn't dare even glancing at them, afraid they would send me into a round of pain and guilt. I pulled up to her house. It was a brown, small, two-story house. It fit into the surrounding forest perfectly, like a little cottage. It had darker brown shutters and a white door. I parked in the driveway beside Angela's car and then made my way up to the front door. It was about 50 degrees Fahrenheit, but still rainy and windy, making the wind-chill was about 40.

I knocked on her door, and then I heard feet running down the stairs. Then the door flew open, and I saw a rather disheveled Angela in the doorway. "Bella, thank goodness. I have no idea what to wear and my hair looks horrible!" she complained, which was unlike Angela

"It's okay, I'll help. Well, I'll help as much as I can," I offered. I didn't know if she realized my skills at beautifying weren't the best. We went up to her bedroom on the second floor. I stumbled up a few steps, and caught myself with the railing. She opened the door and stepped into her soft, pastel, purple room. Her bedspread was plain and white, with dark fuchsia flowered pillows. She had a painting hung above her bed, and I noticed it as one of her originals.

The painting took my breath away. There was a beautiful, pale, slender woman lying on a cherry wood floor. The woman's body reminded me of Rosalie's with all of its perfection. Except, where Rosalie had curves. this woman was rather ruler-like. I swallowed against the lump of pain in my throat. Even thinking of my least favorite Cullen hurt. The woman was resting peacefully, with her long, mahogany hair fanning around her. Her face was very structured, with a light flush across her cheeks. Her eyes were what captivated me the most though. They were rimmed in pink, like she had been crying. They were filled with so much emotion; she had torment in them, yet somehow she looked peaceful. She was surrounded by red and pink roses scattered along the floor. It looked so real, I got the urge to go up to it and hold one of the roses.

Angela saw the course of my stare. "Bella, that's you," said Angela when I asked who it was. I just stared at her. "Yeah in what universe?" I asked. I just kept staring. Angela let out a high-pitched giggle, which brightened my mood perceptively.

"You know Bella," she started, "For someone so beautiful- inside and out- you have so little self-esteem." I was wondering how crazy Angela was, not that I was one to talk.

Angela woke me out of my trance with, "Which outfit do you like the best?" She was holding a black cocktail dress in one hand, and a pink button up shirt with a black mid-calve length skirt. The cocktail dress was flirty and would accentuate her height, so I advised her to play up her verticality. She tried on the dress and smiled widely at me afterward. It looked perfect on her. Now it was time to tackle the hair issue.

Angela's hair was long and dark, almost black, but not quite. It was frizzy and waving all over the place. I turned her around in the chair, so she couldn't see me as I was working on her. She could only see the finished product. I put in some de-frizzer and started straightening. It was difficult to flatten her hair, but after only twenty minutes, I managed to accomplish a soft, shiny wave. I put some a liner and mascara on her to make her deep brown eyes pop. I put some deep rosy blush on her cheeks to play up her naturally tan complexion, and I was done. I turned her around, and her already vibrant smile got even bigger. "Thank you so much Bella," she said. And with that, we were off to Seattle.

***

The Seattle art gallery was a massive building. The sides were made of sheet metal; all twisted up to look like a giant origami sculpture. The building itself was a work of art. We parked in the busy parking lot, and walked quickly- with our paintings in tow- up to the main entrance.

We were greeted by a very friendly man named Stephan. He was tall with light brown hair and brown eyes. He introduced himself as the manager, and asked for our names. When we told him who we were, he led us to our display area, and we hung up our paintings on the severe white walls.

We were told that the gallery opened at around 8pm, and it was already 7:45. Angela and I thanked him and went to the bathroom quickly to check how we looked, and relieve ourselves after the long ride. As we entered the room, the first thing I noticed was the floor. It looked to be made of marble, and the main color was a creamy white. There were cobalt blue decorations on the tiles of flowers and luxurious patterns. Everything looked so perfectly detailed. It looked almost homemade. I was afraid to walk on it, terrified of messing anything up.

Angela and I looked into the mirrors. I noticed that I looked extremely plain compared to her exotic long hair and tan skin. Her clear brown eyes were much more inviting than my blank ones. I envied her, but not as much as I had envied others in the past.

After we finished our business, we walked back out into the gallery, and realized people were already starting to come and look around. We went back to the wall where our paintings hung and waited, smiling, for anyone to become interested. Then a striking woman, with dark brown skin and gorgeous long hair came up to my painting. She was extremely tall, more so than Angela.

She smiled politely in my direction, and then turned her attention back to my paintings. She was staring intently at the one of Edward's face. "Who is this man?" she asked with interest.

"He's someone I loved very much, a long time ago," I said with evident sadness in my voice. The woman looked at me sympathetically.

"Old boyfriend?" she asked. I nodded, trying to look more cheerful and not succeeding.

"Well, I love your work. How much is the painting with the apple?" she asked. I think I was selling my first piece of art. I was thrilled, but more than a little sad to see that painting go, being as it was a piece of Edward.

"I don't know. I guess one hundred," I said, unsure of myself. Angela had gone over prices with me, but I still felt they were a little high for my paintings.

"A hundred thousand is a little out of my price range," she said regretfully. I was shocked. I had only meant one hundred dollars.

"No, just one hundred dollars, no thousand involved," I said quickly. She stared at me for a minute, and then replied.

"This is an amazing work of art. At least let me give you one thousand," she said. I just looked at her like a moron.

"Really?" I asked. She laughed, and then said, "Of course!" I thanked her and with that, I had sold my first painting. We started talking, and I learned that her name was Keisha. She was a new model, and she was going through Washington on her way back to Los Angeles.

After Keisha left, I looked back at Angela. She had already sold two of her four paintings. We started talking about our summer plans and colleges when I looked back into the crowd of people. There were tall people and short people, thin people and bigger people, darker people and lighter people. While I was looking at the different people, I saw something that made my heart sputter frantically, then stop all together. I stared blankly, wishing for what I had seen to go away, wishing I could escape this horrible, wicked, game.

***

The flaming-red headed woman turned around. Her smile seemed to be taunting me, making fun of the fact she would win. I took a deep breath, not really caring now if she took my life. I didn't want it. Her revenge wouldn't be half as gratifying when she figured out that Edward left me; that he didn't want me. For some reason, the image of Angela's painting flashed in my mind. _Roses are red, and so is my blood. _

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**cliff hanger....Anyways, thanks to all the readers! sorry i haven't updated sooner! plz review! thanks, ~vampirestalker903~**


	16. Broken Completely

Black rose where are you now  
White skin as cold as the snow we walked in  
Your lips like midnight  
That night we walked for hours  
And I remember  
But maybe I'm the only one who still remembers

You slipped away  
Why would you come back to say  
You've already moved on  
You slipped away  
But I've come back to say that you're not really gone

My black rose where are you now  
And yes I've seen your black rose petal fall  
Fall down to the ground like glass shatters  
And turning into ashes  
But I've seen your color and it's like a blood drop  
And maybe I'm the only one  
Who still remembers

-Blindside, _Black Rose_

I heard the loud thrumming of my heart; the loud pulsing of blood behind my ears. My breathing escalated, even though I still couldn't catch my breath.

Victoria, still wearing her devilish smile, sauntered through the crowd, making her way to me. Her long, fiery hair was waving around her, like a flame of wrath. Her eyes glinted with blood-lust, simmered with hate. I felt my stomach heave from the fear. At this point, I couldn't care less if she killed me. It would be better than living without Edward. But there was something about Victoria; the way she lurked, deadly, like a wild cat, that made my instincts scream in panic.

Angela looked at me with concern. "Bella, are you okay?" she said gently. I ripped my tortured gaze from Victoria, and tried to look at Angela without frightening her.

"Umm…I think I'm going to be sick. I'm not feeling too good. I'm just going to go to the restroom, okay?" I said. I might as well not put anyone else in danger. Victoria wouldn't have to kill any witnesses, because I would make sure there weren't any. I walked quickly to the bathroom, not waiting to hear Angela's reply.

I pushed open the door, and locked myself in one of the stalls. All of them were empty though. I knelt on the ground, with my face in my hands. This was the worst ending in the history of endings ever. I would die, and nobody would find my remains. If the cops ever found anything, it would just be bones.

I felt bad for Victoria too. I really regretted ever going to the baseball game with the Cullen's. If I hadn't been there, James might have been alive. That would've saved Victoria her pain and revenge. She would get revenge, but it wouldn't be near as great as it could've been. If only she had gotten here sooner, if only she could've spared me this heartache.

I saw something move in my peripheral vision. It was the pale white feet of a vampire in black stilettos, moving with the silence of an immortal. I held my breath, hoping for the end, finally. I closed my eyes when I heard the stall open, and let out the breath that was aching in my torso.

The dangerous vampire said nothing. She grabbed my arm and dragged me to my feet. I stumbled blindly; not wanting to except that she was here, that she finally had me where she wanted me. I carefully opened my lids to find Victoria's face inches from mine. I took in a startled breath, my brown eyes focused solely on her crimson ones.

"Victoria," I whispered inaudibly. The fear was obvious in my voice. Her sly smile spread wider, making her granite face crinkle in exultation.

She was victorious in all of her beauty; a destroying angel crashing into earth, demolishing everything in her path. Her hate-filled eyes bore into mine, and I searched through my brain, trying to find a way out of this mess. I could find none.

Before I could think of anything to change her mind, she pulled me alongside her, out the bathroom door. She moved at lightning speed, never letting go of my arm. I gasped in pain as I felt my arm being dislocated from my shoulder.

She pulled me through the back door swiftly, the whole world a blur to me. I couldn't tell where we were, except for the fact that it was very dark and very cold. She kept dragging me by the arm; I was surprised it hadn't been ripped off my body yet.

All of a sudden, I was yanked to a complete stop, and my arm was freed from hers. I was consumed by the relief of my arm being free, that I didn't notice that the ground was coming closer to my face at an alarming speed.

I didn't have time to brace myself for the impact of the ground, which happened to be cold, hard asphalt. I heard a sickening snap from the inside of my arm. I let out a yelp of pain and rolled to my side. I had fallen on top of my arm, contorting it in an unnatural angle. I clutched my arm to my chest and rolled onto my back. Victoria was standing over me, gloating.

"Where are the Cullen's?" she asked all too innocently. She put her foot over top of the right side of my rib cage as she was talking, a silent threat to answer. I hesitated before replying. She applied a huge amount of pressure; it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I heard another snap, this time louder. The scream escaped from my lungs before my mind registered the pain. Once I felt the pain though, I screamed louder, truly in agony. She pressed her foot against the left side, another warning.

"Gone. They left me…a long time ago." I said, panting in between the words.

"Oh, too bad. I was really hoping to get a swipe at the boy; Edward wasn't it?" she said, venom filling her voice when she said his name.

"Why…why do you want to kill me? He doesn't love me. I was just something to take up time, nothing of importance," I said, pleading with the alarming woman. I was still holding my arm, and now was clutching at my side also.

"I vowed I would kill his mate, if it was the last thing I did," she answered menacingly. "You are the closest thing he ever had to one. If he didn't love you, how come he cared enough about you to kill James!?!" she said, her voice getting louder and louder.

I could tell her bravado was wearing off, her gloat coming to an end. She was done toying with me, done playing cat and mouse. She had waited over two years for this day. She came closer, her walk turning into a prowl. She crouched down, looking like a lioness closing in on her prey. I looked into her eyes now. They weren't as red as before. Now, the pupil seemed to be spreading, the black overshadowing the red. She was hungry, and like others had told me before, I was extremely edible.

I braced myself knowing this was the end. I was extremely disappointed. I was about to die, and Edward wasn't there too see me. The disappointment hurt more than it should, even in the midst of Victoria's wrath.

I felt the tears course down my face, and the breaking of my heart. I let go of my rib and moved my one good arm up to my heart, attempting to suppress the pain. It did no good. I felt a sudden sharp sting, worse than any before. Instead of a piece of my heart breaking, all that was left of it snapped in half. I screamed again, this time not from a broken bone, but a broken heart. I felt each individual inch rip, each burning tear. I felt my face become sticky with salt water. I felt the searing heat along my heart, until it was cut off with a final crack that was almost audible. While I screamed and sobbed, I heard Victoria giggle.

I realized this was truly, completely the end. When I had tried to commit suicide, I knew where the darkness was, I knew how I would die. I would die from suffocation, lack of oxygen. I would drown.

Now, with Victoria standing near me, I wondered how I would die. She could do many things to me. The ways she could commit murder ranged through my mind from semi-humanely to downright demented. She could drink my blood, letting me die quickly and nearly painlessly. I knew Victoria though, and she wouldn't let me die that way. No, she would peel my skin off of my flesh piece by piece, only stopping when my scent became too much. She would break all of the bones in my body, waiting until I was screaming for death, to stop my heart. That was the Victoria I knew.

Not that I would notice the gruesome ways she would mutilate me before death. Those pains were nothing compared to what I felt at this moment, a moment where all of the love had left my body, the hope of finding love again completely demolished. I heard another snap, another bone breaking. I didn't feel the physical pain though. I had no heart. I didn't feel a thing.

The darkness tugged on my vision, tempting me to follow it, and for the last time in my life, I prayed. I prayed for death, now more than any other time. I prayed that even if I didn't make it to heaven, that I could still have nothing. I would even take nonexistence before I surrendered to this pain again.

I heard another sickening crack before the pain closed over me completely. My mind shut down then, a complete state of darkness. The last thing I heard was a low snarl, coming from behind Victoria and me. Then Victoria snarled in response, and the eternal dark of nothingness was all I could find.

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	17. My Mistake

Alice POV

I want pinned down  
I want unsettled  
Rattle cage after cage  
Until my blood boils

I want to see you  
As you are now  
Every single day  
That I am living

-Snow Patrol, _Lightning Strikes_

My excitement was overwhelming, intoxicating. I barely smothered it down enough to stop smiling. At any moment, I could crack. I would smile so big, Edward would know something was up.

I impatiently bounced in my seat, eager to get to the art show. "Edward, come on! Find a stupid parking spot and pull in!" I said in a shrill voice.

"Alice, for someone who has been alive as long as you, you have a very poor amount of patience," answered Edward with the authority of a father.

"Well, I never said I had patience! Now hurry up! Oh! There's one! Right over there!!!" I yelled, pointing to the parking spot to the left of us. Edward quickly pulled in, clearly annoyed thoroughly with me. He probably wanted to go somewhere alone and mope. I rolled my eyes at my brother.

We both silently got out of the car. We started making our way into the building, me skipping and Edward was…well he was dragging himself sluggishly. That was the only way I could put it.

I loved this place. The building was twisted and magical; shining in the moonlight. It was already 9 o'clock. I was careful not to think of anything remotely relating to a certain someone.

We walked into the crowded gallery, and I was immediately taken aback by the amount of humans. They all smelled so…mouthwatering. I shook my head quickly, banishing the thought and trying to ignore the aching in my throat.

I grabbed Edward's hand, pulling him along to all of mine and Esme's favorite artists. I glanced at a few paintings, not really looking at them. I was too thrilled to really pay attention.

I looked at my beautiful watch incrusted with diamonds. The hands said nine forty. I quickly nudged Edward. He read my mind before I had a chance to say anything. He simply let go of my hand and I walked to the bathroom, barely controlling myself to not run.

I burst through the door, bracing myself for Bella's pain. Instead of the beating of her heart and scent of her, I was greeted by the burning smell of bleach and the sound of water dripping off of the faucet. I stopped in shock. I was never wrong. My visions always came true.

Upon hearing my thoughts, Edward rushed into the room. We both froze as I got a new vision. I gulped in a ton of air in terror.

_Victoria was standing over Bella's bleeding body. Bella's skin was as pale as her protruding bones. She must've only weighed 90 lbs. Her eyes were sunken into her face, and swollen from tears. I could hear Bella's ragged, choking breath. "Where are the Cullen's?" asked the demonic redhead. Bella just stared at her, apparently not comprehending the question. Victoria crushed her foot into Bella's ribcage. There was a loud snap, and then Bella was screaming, her eyes cold and tormented. _

_"Gone. They left me…a long time ago," answered Bella, trying to breath. She sounded tired and frightened. That was the voice of a stranger, not the Bella I remember. _

The haunting vision left Edward and me in a daze, not wanting to accept the fact that Bella was in so much pain, that she was going to die. I looked over at my brother. He had fallen on his knees. He was shaking and his eyes were full of so much pain, it looked like he was burning. "Bella…" he choked out.


	18. Nothing and Everything

Can I believe  
When I don't trust  
All your theories  
Turn to dust  
I choose to hide  
From the All Seeing Eye

Destroy this City of Delusion  
Break these walls down  
I will avenge  
And justify my reasons  
With your blood

You will not rest  
Settle for less  
Until you guzzle  
And squander what's left  
Do not deny  
That you live and let die

-Muse, _City of Delusion_

Everything around me was dark for a long time. Then, I got scared. The darkness seemed to fade, and was being replaced by nothing. Nothing and everything was what was left after the black. I didn't remember anything. The worst part was, I didn't remember to remember. I didn't know anything. I didn't know who I was, or even what I was. I drifted in the void endlessly. It was dark and light, and gigantic and little. It was everything and nothing.

I just floated, without thought and without feeling. I was a mist, hovering over nothing. I couldn't see myself, and nothing made sense; yet at the same time, everything made sense.

After an eternity, things began to change. What was before just a cushion of air unmoving; now was a rolling wave. I was lying on the wave, gently floating. I was swaying and relaxing. As I floated, a deep crevice formed in the water. I floated involuntarily towards it.

I thought I was going to fall in the vast hole, but instead I hovered above it. I could see below, and inside there was a dim light. The light was a dull glowing red-orange. There was a foreboding feeling about it though, warning me to stay away, yet at the same time pulling me closer. I leaned closer into the red, trying to see more of it. As soon as I got closer, I felt a strange pulling. It burned, the first feeling I had experienced. I jerked away, not wanting to feel anymore.

I looked above me, and saw a blinding white light. Everything was urging me to go towards it, and I wanted to follow the urges. I couldn't find a way to get up there though, me being nothing. Beside me was another light. This light was a pulsing blue, the light fading in and out. There were no commands to enter, and no warnings to turn around. I floated into the blue, not thinking.

Inside the blue light, I was thrown into more waves, these ones feeling cold. This feeling wasn't as bad as the feeling in the red. This feeling didn't hurt. I was meandering through the waves, when the waves became stronger, more violent. I was thrown around, and I wished I would've chosen the white light instead. As I was tossed and thrown carelessly, I felt things tugging at me.

Those things were single words, single sounds. The words made little sense to me now. Edward Cullen, Charlie Swan, Renee Dwyer, Alice Cullen, Angela Weber, Luke Davis. More words fell upon me with each crashing wave, but they had no meaning, no importance.

More waves threw themselves at me. These waves hurt; their icy grip on me painful. But with the pain came new understanding. Strange faces and places flashed through the blue. One by one I realized what each memory was.

***

_I was crawling on the floor, about to fall down stairs. My mother, Renee, picks me up and hugs me to her body. _

_***_

_I was a small child, walking across the floor, with Renee and my dad, Charlie. They were clapping for me as I fell into his arms._

_***_

_I am sitting on the floor. Mommy is running, yelling at dad. Dad follows her, asking her questions. Mom picks me up and we go outside and into her car. Renee and Charlie are both crying. Mommy puts me in my seat and we drive away from Daddy._

_***_

_It's my first day of school. I walk into the preschool classroom, afraid to meet the new kids. They're all so loud, and I like the quiet. Mom leaves me with the other children, so I sit in the corner and look at a picture book alone._

_***_

_Kindergarten is fun. I love my teacher, Mrs. Benabaker. We play games and learn to read. It's picture day and I smile when the man tells me too, and I see a bright flash._

_***_

_My friend Jenny and I sit at a table in fourth grade, when I spill my milk on my pants. That dummy Cade laughs and points saying, "Bella peed her pants!" I cry because I am embarrassed. _

_***_

_I'm visiting Charlie for two weeks in Forks. Gosh, I hate that place. It's so wet and cold and boring. There are like no other girls my age._

_***_

_The first dance ever in seventh grade and I'm going dateless. My new best friend Nikki and I go together though, and have fun. _

_***_

_Mom and I are in the biggest mall in Phoenix. We're shopping this summer for school clothes. We laugh at some of the ridiculous trends while eating our Pretzel Time pretzels. _

_***_

_Freshman year and I am totally scared. The high school is huge and my two only friends have just moved. I walk through the doors, trying to be invisible._

_***_

_Renee met this new guy named Phil. They're perfect for each other, and they're so in love. Their wedding is in a week. I am anxious about my decision to stay with Charlie._

_***_

_My first school day in Forks, and the high school is not what I expected. The place is so small. I can't possibly go unnoticed. The day passes and I get a lot of attention. In lunch, I see a beautiful boy. His name is Edward Cullen. _

_***_

_He's a vampire. His skin is pale white, and ice cold. He never goes out in the sunlight and he oh-so-conveniently doesn't go into the sunlight. I couldn't care less if he drinks blood. I am completely and irrevocably in love with him._

_***_

_Edward is so beautiful in the sunlight. His skin throws sparkles, and I am now sure he is the most beautiful creature on earth. He kisses me for the first time, and I overreact. I kiss him back passionately, testing his strength._

_***_

_James is going to kill me. I go out of consciousness, and awake to Edward's melodic voice in the hospital. _

_***_

_The prom is beautiful. I was so mad at him for taking me, but I realize now it was alright. It was alright because I was with him, and that was all that matters._

_***_

_It's my birthday at the Cullen's. I get a paper cut, and Jasper tries to get me. Edward saves me, but feels guilty. Carlisle fixes the cuts and glass in my arm. I worry about Edward. He doesn't seem the same._

_***_

_We're standing in the woods. I know something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong. "Bella we're leaving." "When you say we?" I ask. "I mean my family and I," answers Edward. "You don't want me to come?" I ask, the fear plain in my voice. "No."_

_***_

_I wake up in the night, screaming and sweating. I had another nightmare. Edward left a few months ago and it still hurts._

_***_

_I go to the meadow, expecting to see something of Edward. He's not there. Laurent is._

_***_

_I drink and drink until I don't remember what I'm even doing. The pain is numbed, and Edward appears beside me. _

_***_

_Walking across the cliff, I make it to the ledge. I jump, trying to find a way out of the pain. I find Edward in the water with me; positive death is just around the corner._

_***_

_"You got it?" I ask Luke. He gives me the bag, and I like talking to him. The way he smiles and talks to me; it's like I'm normal. It doesn't help that he's attractive too. Not as attractive as Edward Cullen. The pain cracks the façade and I go home quickly. I feel the heroin work and I love it when Edward comes too._

_***_

_I give up the pain and stunts for Charlie. I put to much pain on him._

_***_

_Mike Newton, the backstabbing man-hoar is making out with Lauren. I cry in rage and go see Angela._

_***_

_Drawing Edward doesn't cause pain. I find comfort in that and agree to have my art in a gallery with Angela._

_***_

_Luke and I become more than friends. At Tyler's party we have sex. It is the worst mistake I have ever made, period. I stare at Edward's face in disgust with myself, until the morning. _

_***_

_Victoria is here. She comes toward me, and I run to the bathroom. She drags me to an empty alley and… I think she kills me._

_***_

I wake up, with this new knowledge pulsing through me. My name is Isabella Marie Swan and I am in love with Edward Cullen, who is no longer with me. I love my mother and father, Renee and Charlie. I made a lot of bad mistakes, and a few good ones. My life was short. Now I am dead. The pain doesn't come. Instead I hear a slight beeping. I hear the humming of a familiar song, the lullaby Edward wrote for me. Reality crashes down on me, and I'm sucked into a world of blinding white light. I'm hoping it's the end, finally.


	19. Falling Down

Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another

That doesn't always make you wanna cry

It started with the perfect kiss then

We could feel the poison set in

"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive

-Kelly Clarkson, _Already Gone_

My eyelids felt heavy, and my head felt like deadweight. It took all of my limited strength to just awaken from my unconscious stupor. I stared into the blur of white light, not really comprehending. This had to be heaven, because I couldn't possibly be in hell. It didn't hurt to breathe like it had for the past three years. In fact, I didn't feel a thing. I realized that was due to the fact that my heart was broken completely. I couldn't feel the pain, because it was like I never loved him. I almost favored the pain.

My eyes adjusted to the blinding glow, and I figured out that I wasn't really dead. I was in a hospital room, one that was almost identical to the room I had been in when I had attempted suicide. The walls were the same sterile shade of white, the bed a similar color. There was even the same mechanical beeping that matched my heart rate. There was something different this time though. Not everything felt worthless. It felt like somewhere in here, there was a chance for hope. There was a faint glimmer of possibly hoping that everything would take a turn for the better.

I turned my head slowly, hating the feel of moving for what felt like the first time in years. I didn't dare let my eyes close again though; for fear that I would fall back into the black, unable to come back to reality. As I slowly looked around I was greeted by a pair of golden-brown eyes that seemed to stare into my soul. I took in a startled breath, not really surprised by which the eyes belonged to, but the fact that there was another being in the room with me.

"Edward," I said evenly, in a monotone voice. He appeared to wince slightly at the sound of my voice, the dead, bleak, cold of it. I stared into his eyes, which would've mesmerized me any other time. His face looked like perfectly carved white marble, his features angular and striking. His voice was like liquid silk; his gaze seemed to sink into my bones. His lightly muscled arms were exposed in his rolled up long-sleeved white t-shirt. His normally messy bronze hair was even more untidy than usual. Looking at him any other day would've rendered me speechless. I wondered why I didn't feel anything, nothing at all.

"Bella," he barely whispered. "You're awake," he continued in amazement. I looked at him in suspicion, not entirely sure why this was such a surprise. I was human, as he wanted. I did sleep and wake up on a regular basis- well I was supposed to. My sleeping habits hadn't been the best since he'd left me.

I shook my head slowly at his ridiculous comment. I decided to ignore that statement, besides the shaking of my head, which ached slightly.

"Why are you here? You left me. You don't love me anymore, so what's the point of you being here? And another thing, why aren't I dead?" I asked, not really caring to hear the answer. I didn't expect him to tell me anything I didn't know. I knew that he didn't care about me. He was probably just here in guilt that I almost got killed.

His eyes seemed wary and disappointed. He looked at me like I was a stranger, like he had no idea who I was. Edward was probably wondering what had caused me to look so sick. With my bones prominent and my eyes swollen from tears, I was probably a mess. Then awareness seemed to darken his eyes, and they tightened. I knew his eyes better than I knew myself.

"Bella, Alice and I took care of Victoria. But you should not fret about that. I know that you must despise me for leaving you. I never left because I didn't love you; no, quite the opposite. I left you Isabella, because my very existence threatened your safety. I always have loved you, always wanted to be with you forever. But I would…understand…if you didn't feel that way about me anymore; if you wanted to be with someone else," he said, staring at me with such intensity, that I couldn't look away.

I felt something alright. I felt angry and betrayed. So he could leave me for three years, and expect me to believe that he still loves me. Although, the way he was staring at me, he seemed to be nothing but sincere. But I also happened to know something about Edward Cullen- he was a fantastic liar.

"Do you expect me to believe that, truly? That you left me because you didn't want to hurt me?" I said, my voice ringing with sarcasm. It took all that I had not to cry. I wanted to believe him so much, but I knew that it was too good to be true.

"Bella, my love, I never meant this much pain to be on your shoulders. I just wanted you to have a normal, human life. I can see that is impossible though. I have already interfered too much, and I can't reverser the effects. But now, I can promise you, that if you want, I will stay with you for all eternity. I will spend the rest of my existence trying to make those three years up to you," he said, his voice full of promise. With every word he spoke, he leaned closer to my fragile body. His hand moved towards me. He slowly cupped my face in his hand, and I leaned into him, a natural movement.

I sighed as the electricity flowed through me, a million times more powerful than my hallucinations. I felt the individual pieces of my heart slowly being knitted together, sealed with love. I hated myself, always trusting. But Edward was everything I'd missed and more. I breathed in his scent, a beautiful fragrance, better than any cologne or perfume known to mankind.

All of the walls around my heart fell down at that moment. All of the walls that forced me to never fall in love with anyone else and all of the walls that kept me from trusting anyone else fell down too. When Edward was with me, self-preservation was the last thing on my mind. I knew at this moment that I would always take him back, no matter what he did to me. I was stupid and naïve, but I was always going to be more than in love with him.

I expected myself to express my undying love to him, but instead, a surprising string of words flowed out of my mouth. "Do you know what you put me through!?" I demanded, pulling away from his static touch. "I was dying without you! I was catatonic for crying out loud! The pain hurt so much. I couldn't even think about you without crying until I threw up, until my heart felt like it was ripping apart. I was so lost in the pain that I tried to kill myself! I don't even know how many times! I tried drinking until everything went black, I rode motorcycles, I tried to suffocate myself, drown myself in the bathtub, jump off a cliff, heroin! Everything I could think of was also a ploy to see a hallucination of you! Yeah, I'm mental now too! Because you left me! And now I can't love anyone! I tried to get over you, I really did. But when I was with anyone else, I was always thinking of you. I always felt guilty, even from the slightest touch. I needed you. Do you know how much it hurt? I would cry and scream and pray for you to come at night when the pain was too much, but guess what- YOU NEVER CAME FOR ME!!!" I nearly yelled, the tears flowing freely now. I buried my face in a pillow, not wanting him to see my face.

I felt him pull the pillow out of my arm with his vampire strength. That thought of him being immortal, and him making sure I stayed human put another wave of rage over me. I looked up at him, letting him see the raw pain in my eyes. I watched as his eyes clouded in torment. I was glad I could cause him as much agony as he caused me. I knew it was irrational, because he had already told me how much he loved me. But it felt _good _to get even. That thought scared me. But I was still livid.

I tried to move my arms to pull down the front of my gown slightly, so he could see the scars that I made in an unconscious effort to rip out my heart. But instead of that, I couldn't find my hands. Now that I thought about it, I could barely find the rest of my body. Everything felt heavy, and I couldn't move anything below my neck.

"What the hell!?" I asked, my previous anger forgotten. "Edward, why can't I move?" I said, my voice cracking in frustration.

He just looked at me sadly, his eyes still filled with an inconceivable amount of pain. "Bella, you were on a lot of drugs for the pain. She broke 13 bones in your body. Your left leg is broke in 5 different places. Your right leg is broke in two places. Your left arm is broken and your right was dislocated. She broke four of your ribs, and your left wrist is also broken," he said, speaking in a tranquil manner, trying to hide his anger and suffering. "Your mind shut down due to the immense amount of pain. Also your head hit the blacktop extremely hard. Those two factors have caused you to be in a coma."

My mind was spinning from this new information. 13 bones were on the mend and I was in a coma, for how long I have no idea. I wondered what I missed. Hopefully I had only missed a few days while I was under. But I never claimed to have any luck.

"Edward, how long was I in a coma?" I whispered, then swallowed loudly, afraid for the answer. He sighed.

"You were unconscious for exactly 43 days, six hours, and 23 minutes approximately," he said, the hurt coloring his voice.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. 43 days. I had missed graduation. I wondered what my cover story was for why I was in here. I obviously would have a hard time explaining that I was attacked by a revenge-seeking vampire. I was having trouble breathing, my head spinning. I had missed over a month of my life. 43 days wasted that could've been spent with Edward.

"The doctors also found out something else in one of your many tests," said Edward, interrupting my revelation. "Of course they would never tell me this, as I am not your family member, but I know everything that's going on in their brains, obviously." He took a deep breath, seeming to try to steady himself.

He looked back into my eyes, the deep gold knocking me breathless. His eyes seemed to be an endless depth of emotion, the main ones being anguish and love. I could see miles and miles into them, those eyes that seemed to have been through so much; so much time and maturity that I would never know. Something about his expression scared me, and I didn't really want to know what else he had to tell me.

"Bella," he started. The next words that came out of his mouth sent everything spiraling even farther into the disaster that was my life.

* * *

**Review and you might get to find out what happens next ;) **


	20. Hurting Everyone

**I can't believe this is the 20****th**** chapter! It started out as a single page when I was bored and now there are like 30000 words! Thanks to all of my readers! I just realized Bella's age is really messed up! So Edward left her for 3 years, and let's just pretend she's 19. Thanks! Lol **

* * *

Lightning strikes  
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night  
Dream of ways  
To make you understand my pain

Drop his name  
Push it in and twist the knife again  
Watch my face  
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air  
Bombs are falling everywhere  
It's heartbreak warfare  
Once you want it to begin,  
No one really ever wins  
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,  
why don't you say so?  
If you want more love,  
why don't you say so?

-John Mayer, _Heartbreak Warfare  
_

You'd think that maybe, somewhere in the universe, someone cared about my life. I don't think so. If someone did care, the next words out of Edward's mouth would have been something along the lines of, "Oh you have 10 days to live," or say, "You're paralyzed." No I couldn't be so lucky. These words made it clear that I could never hide anything from Edward, no matter how much it hurt him. It would make clear to him that he was much, much too good for me. With that, he would get up and leave me, this time forever.

"Bella," he started, "you're pregnant." I closed my eyes, pretending this was just some practical joke and I was waiting for the punch line. No, this wasn't a joke.

I just lay there, my eyes closed, my head shaking back and forth. A few tears fell down my cheeks, and my healing heart ached. Edward sat in silence, but I could feel his intense stares boring into my face, trying to decipher my thoughts. He couldn't penetrate my screwed-up brain no matter how hard he tried.

Slowly, my feeling came back into my body. First I felt the numbness recede from my fingers and toes, slowly working its way up and out. I didn't know how much time was passing, and it didn't really bother me. I couldn't stand to face Edward when he knew how I had betrayed him. I felt his icy touch on my wrist, sending waves of static through my body.

"Bella, love, please open your eyes. I've lived three years without seeing your eyes," he said, his sweet breath hypnotizing me, forcing me to look at him. I stared into his eyes, and he stared into mine. His eyes were tight, carefully concealing his pain. I wasn't that good at controlling my emotions. He'd had over one hundred years to practice, and I've only had nineteen. I knew Edward could see my remorse and guilt and most of all self-disgust.

"I'm…so, so, sorry Edward," I whispered, trying to hold back the sobs. He had no idea how true those words were. I was sorry for everything.

"I'm not angry with you, love. Nothing else would've been expected. I left you, and you could be with someone else who made you happier, someone who could be with you without endangerment; someone human," he said, his voice soft and tranquil.

I shook my head rapidly, knowing that that could never be true. I loved Edward, and I had to make him realize that what he said was not true. "Edward, I love you. I never loved anyone else, and I never will. It's just…the father of the baby…he took me to a party. And I don't know, I guess that he just treated me like any other person. Like I was…normal, and nobody else ever treated me like that. I was the freak," I said quickly.

"Bella, what ever happened, I don't need to know if you don't want me to," he said. I knew what he was doing. Reverse psychology always worked on human teenagers.

"Well…I want you to know. So now you can see it was a mistake that I regret and it didn't really have anything to do with love. It should've been for love, and it should've happened with you. But…it didn't." I said, tears slowly dripping down my cheeks. Edward lifted his cold finger up to my face and wiped the tears from my face tenderly, lovingly.

"It's alright, love. You don't have anything to be sorry for," he murmured, still gently stroking my bony face.

"No it's not alright. At first, there was only Mike, and then he cheated on me. But then…another boy…came and he was just charming, I guess. He took me on a date and then we went to a party together. Well, there was beer and I drank a lot, for me. Mike was there, and he called me a tease," I heard Edward's teeth grind together. "And I wanted to prove that I wasn't. So, the other guy and I, well…It was short and didn't mean anything."

"What was his name?" asked Edward, his voice sounding slightly strangled. I looked up away from my lap and stared into his eyes. They were careful, but I could see the shear rage starting to seep through.

I looked down and shook my head back and forth rapidly. I couldn't tell Edward about Luke. I didn't want anything to happen to the blue-eyed boy I cared about. No matter how minutely, I still cared about him. I didn't want anyone to be hurt anymore. Luke would get over me, I knew that much. By the look in his eyes, I knew Edward would hurt him. Possibly even kill him. I had no idea why though, he seemed calm enough before.

"Bella, tell me his name," he said, his breath fast, trying to calm himself, though not succeeding. I just shook my head again, biting my lip so hard that I could taste some blood. I quickly pulled my lip inside my mouth, trying to keep him from smelling the blood. I heard his quick breathing stop completely.

His eyes flashed with thirst, and mine opened wide. Shit. I watched him regain control of himself, still not breathing. When the blood stopped flowing, I heard his breathing start up again.

"Sorry," I whispered. He just shook his head and took my hand in his. I hated myself. I was always hurting him by my actions, or even just by the fact that I was human. With every beat of my heart, it burnt his throat with thirst.

"So, are you not going to tell me his name?" he asked. He did the dazzling think with his eyes, looking up at me from beneath his thick black lashes. I took in a deep breath after realizing I had stopped breathing completely. I closed my eyes, knowing that if I kept looking into his eyes, I would have to tell him the truth. They were mesmerizing.

I just shook my head again, feeling his shocked stare on me. All of his tricks had worked on me before. I think it was finally starting to sink into him- I wasn't the same Bella and I never would be.

"Love, what's happened to you?" he whispered. I wasn't sure if it was a rhetorical question or not.

"I know," I said, my voice filled with regret. "I'm not the same. I never will be. I know that I'll never be the Bella you fell in love with. When you left me, you left me damaged. It's never going to heal, no matter how much we want it too. At least, not for a long time," I said, sighing in defeat.

"I see," he murmured. "Well, I must work very hard then, to get you back, and at the very least, make you happy."

I hoped that he really meant it, that he would stay here with me and I could finally be happy again. I hoped, but what had hoping ever gotten me before- nothing, a whole crap-load of nothing.

***

I stayed in the hospital for the next week. Charlie came in every day to check on me, after work. He wasn't so happy with Edward first, to say the least. I learned that Charlie had yelled at him for an hour, telling him to leave me alone. He yelled and told him that he hurt me horribly. But after Edward calmly explained he wouldn't be leaving, Charlie gave up. When Charlie saw him here though, every day, waiting for me to wake up, I think he decided Edward was really sorry. So now Charlie and Edward got along without too much drama.

The school had still let me graduate: I had only missed a week out of the whole year. Angela had visited a few times while I was in my coma, and when she learned I was awake, she came to see me.

My cover story was that someone came up behind me and knocked me out while I was getting some air. I didn't now what happened, and I ended up being beaten and lying in a vacant parking lot ten miles from the art gallery.

There was one person I was hoping to see that never came though. I missed those ocean-blue eyes more than I should have.

***

"Keep going, love. You're doing so well," said Edward lovingly. I was back in my normal clothes, and we were walking hand-in-hand down the hallways. It felt strange to walk after being immobile for over a month. My legs were weak, but Edward helped me. He took me for walks every day at 4, for half an hour. He stopped when I was tired, and he never got annoyed at my even slower than human pace.

It felt right walking with him after so long. It was what I had missed, just having Edward with me to keep me strong, to love me unconditionally. I loved the feel of his cold hand in mine, burning where our skin touched. It was my last day at the hospital, and so it was our last walk. Edward promised that when I got back home, he would be there to help me no matter what. Too bad he couldn't help me with the pregnant situation.

I still had to talk to Charlie about that. I had to tell Luke too, no matter how much I hated the thought. I didn't want him to know that even though it was his child, I wasn't going to end up with him. I didn't even know if I was going to keep it or put it up for adoption. But if he ever came around, it would be hard to hide my protruding stomach. It was easy to tell that I was pregnant- my stomach was a round bump where there were only bones and skin before.

The morning sickness wasn't horrible. It wasn't half as bad as anything I had experienced. I was beginning to think that nothing would ever equal up to the amount of pain I had felt when Edward left.

I still cried sometimes, when Edward was away of course. Today was one of those times. It was early, only about 10 am. I was curled up on the couch in my empty couch, eating crackers and watching TV. I was watching a show about wanna-be models. It was pretty funny watching some of the fights they got into.

That was when I heard the familiar _ding-dong_ of the doorbell. I stood up slowly and stretched, my stomach already looking huge. I walked to the door slowly, making sure I didn't fall. That wouldn't be the best idea. I pulled open the door, wondering who it could be. Nobody ever came to my house, unless it was Angela. Edward usually came through my window and Alice walked in like she owned the place.

Waiting on the porch was Luke. It surprised me to see him of all people standing there, so I took in a startled breath. "Ummm…hey Luke," I said quietly. He took one look at my stomach and he just gaped.

I quickly put my arms across my stomach, trying to camouflage it somehow. It was a useless attempt. "What the hell Bella?" he asked a little too loudly. Sure, I knew the answer to that one- yeah right.

"How about I ask you the same question," I mumbled incoherently. He looked at me questioningly, and I just shook my head. "Come on in," I said, and then sighed. I turned around and plopped back down on the couch and resumed watching TV until I felt him sit down beside me. Then I clicked off the TV and turned to face him.

"So you're…pregnant?" he asked quietly. I nodded at him in the way a person would nod to a misunderstanding child, obviously questioning his intelligence. His assumption was clearly right. I mean, I wasn't fat.

"Well, whose is it? Mine, Newton's…Cullen's?" he asked hesitantly. I just stared at him.

"Really?" I said sarcastically. "It's yours. I never…did it with anyone else," I admitted.

"Wow, I'm flattered. I didn't even know I had your virginity," he said mockingly.

"Ha ha. You're so special," I said, clearly pissed. I was trying my hardest to forget about that night, but it was hard to do considering my little reminder that I carried with me everywhere.

"I like to think so," he answered, his eyes twinkling in that mischievous way. In that way those almost made me stop breathing, almost, but not quite. Only one pair of eyes does that anymore.

"So…" I said uncertainly.

"So…what?" he asked, still smiling. It was like knowing he had my virginity made his day or something. If I had to loose it to somebody other than Edward, why couldn't he have been a little more mature?

"So, you know back to the baby?" I said, annoyed.

"What about the baby," he said, still smiling. I really wanted to smack that smirk off of his face. He didn't even realize how much that night had ruined my life.

"Like, do you want to be in its life? Because it's half your responsibility too," I said. He looked up, theatrically thinking about it, all the while smiling.

"You know, let Cullen be the daddy," he said, letting some acid seep into his voice. I stared at him in shock. What did he have against Edward?

"Why?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, he's back, isn't he? You're back to miss-perfect aren't you? Not the girl I liked. No, I liked the Bella who would take a risk. Me, personally, I would take either one of you I could get. But since Cullen's here, I ain't got a chance. Might as well let him live with a constant reminder that I got a part of you he'll never have," he said with an innocent shrug. But deep in his eyes, I saw a glint of something evil, and sadness. Maybe he really did care about me. That made me feel bad.

He got up, and started walking towards the door. "Luke, wait," I said, grabbing his arm. He turned towards me, with a mask of carelessness across his face.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. I had been saying that a lot these past few days.

"No you're not," he said, angrily.

"What?" I asked.

"No, Bella, you act like you care. But you don't. You finally have what you wanted. Your little boyfriend's back. I was just something to take up time. You never cared about me, and I accept that."

"I really do care, it's just… you wouldn't understand."

"Try me," he said. He let down the guard in his eyes, and I really did see his sadness. I wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but that wouldn't help anything. I needed to let him go, so he could move on, like I already had.

"Nothing ever works out right, everything just gets worse. I keep hurting and disappointing everyone that cares about me," I said in defeat.

"You don't have to disappoint me," he said intensely. I looked questioningly into his eyes. Then he pulled me closer to him and crushed his lips into mine. I sighed at the warmth, and then realized what was happening. I pulled back quickly, but not soon enough.

I heard the choking, gagging noise from the front door as soon as I pulled away. Edward was standing in the frame a look of horror across his face.

"Sorry for interrupting," he quickly muttered, then dashed out the door.

"Edward, wait!" I yelled frantically. But his car was already backing out and driving down the road. I turned to Luke.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" I screamed. He just stood there, that stupid little grin across his face. I'd had it. I through my fist at him with all of the power I had, forcing him to stumble back into the wall. He just stared, shocked, at me.

"I SAID GET OUT!" I shrieked again. He turned quickly and started walking out the door. As soon as the door slammed behind him, I sunk to the ground. I wrapped my arms around my chest, trying to hold myself together. I rested my head in my hands and let my tears flow freely.

I didn't know how many hours passed until I heard Charlie's cruiser pull into the driveway. I pulled myself up quickly and nearly ran into my room. I couldn't let him see me now, when I was finally starting to get better. I shut the door behind me and locked it. I carefully lay in my bed, not wanting to hurt the baby. I curled up in a fetal position, with my purple covers overtop of me; and waited for Edward to climb through my window. I lie there, unable to sleep for hours. Edward never came.

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**Thanks again for reviews! I'll update quick if i get 5 more reviews! :) You can check out some extra stuff for my stories on my profile :) thx again!**


	21. Alone Again

Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,  
To be the one.  
I could have run forever,  
But how far would I have come  
Without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for,  
All that I'm dying for,  
All that I can't ignore alone at night.  
All that I'm wanted for,  
Although I wanted more.  
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Should it hurt to love you?  
Should I feel like I do?  
Should I lock the last open door,  
My ghosts are gaining on me.

-Evanescence, _All That I'm Living For_

I lay there, after hours, still unable to sleep. I rocked back and forth, trying to calm myself and the baby. Even though I couldn't see it, I knew my child could feel what I was feeling. I would keep the baby, no matter if I ended up alone or not. And if Edward would ever take me back, I hoped he would be the father. And Luke would never be in my child's life. He made that very clear tonight.

I kept rocking until I felt numb, like the pain was a silent memory. I looked at the clock. It was about 10, the time Edward would always climb through the window and hold me in his arms. I stopped rocking, listening for a rustle in the leaves, a breath other than my own, or his footsteps. I waited, barely breathing, rubbing my stomach where the baby would be.

"It's okay. Daddy won't leave us," I whispered, to myself and the child. I needed to hear it the most though. He couldn't leave me. He told me that he would stay here as long as I wanted him, and I wanted him. I had made that clear.

But then, he might not see it that way. Maybe, from what he saw earlier, he thought that I wanted Luke instead of him. That was the farthest thing from what I wanted, but how would Edward know that? I then remembered his words in the hospital:

_I'm not angry with you, love. Nothing else would've been expected. I left you, and you could be with someone else who made you happier, someone who could be with you without endangerment; someone human._

No, Edward couldn't believe that. He just couldn't. That would mean everything that had happened, everything Edward promised me, would be for nothing. It would mean that he would leave me forever now. Now that he thought I didn't want him. I felt my pulse racing, pounding behind my ears. I stood up and awkwardly wobbled to my shiny silver cell phone. I scrolled down the contacts, and found Edward.

_Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Hello: _**Edward Cullen**_: cannot come to the phone now. Please leave a message after the beep, _said the female monotone voice. I closed the phone again, than redialed. No Answer. I redialed again, no answer. I kept calling again and again, loosing track after 23 calls.

_No, no, no, no, this isn't happening. _Those words kept on bouncing around inside my mind. I kept dialing the phone until my eyes were clouded with tears so much that I couldn't see anything. I felt the fresh stitches in my heart start to rip, one by one. I felt each separate pull, like someone yanking out my heart. I then felt the final snap with each pull, like my heart silently being shattered, one piece at a time. I lay back on my bed, crying freely. I kept one fist on my heart, trying to stop the pain. The other hand was frantically stroking circles around my stomach, trying to comfort the baby.

I curled back up, without my covers. It was too warm and soft without Edward. It reminded me of the endless nights when he first left. The pain was doubled though, having known that it was my fault Edward wasn't here. It then tripled, because I realized that the child felt what I was feeling. Again, I was the one hurting everyone else, including myself.

_Why? Why am I so horrible!? Why can't anything go right?! _I sat up, unable to crush the pain. I walked over to the window, unthinking. I had left it wide-open, a clear invitation for Edward. I leaned out of the white frame, looking down at the outside world. The moonlight was bright against my skin, the clouds gone for the first time in a long time. The moonlight felt good against my skin, a nice alternative to the constant rain and shade. I stretched out the window a little more and closed my eyes, feeling wind whip across my face. It reminded me of cliff diving.

I opened my eyes, and looked at my skin. It was bleached colorless in the moonlight, my hair flat black curtains against it. I looked sort of like a vampire. That sent another wave of sadness through me. I would never be a vampire. Edward always would be. I closed my eyes as more tears dripped down my white face.

I wanted him to come so badly, I didn't even think about what I did next. I didn't think about waking the neighbors or Charlie. "Edward!" I yelled. Well, it was more like shrieking. My tears made my throat scratchy and my voice hoarse. "Edward, please come back," I said quieter. I stared out at the trees and the road, seeing no signs of any living creature.

I sunk to the ground in defeat, and curled up exactly how I did in the forest when Edward had left me. Tonight was opposite though. Instead of the complete and total darkness, there was the bright light of the moon. While the darkness enveloped you and hid you, the light showed you to the world. When you were in the light, you couldn't hide. I preferred the darkness.

I don't know how long I laid there before falling asleep. One minute I was staring at the shadows dancing across my walls, the next everything was black.

"_**Imma be on the next level. Imma be rockin out that bass treble. I'm gonna be shakin my hips. They gonna be lickin their lips." **__The Black Eyed Peas were booming over the dancing bodies. I couldn't hear anything besides the music. I felt a strange pulling, a painful pulling. I turned to where it was coming from. I turned slowly, and then saw the devilish boy standing behind me, smiling wickedly. I backed away slowly, unable to move any faster. The farther I went away, the more the pulling hurt. I stopped, unable to bare the pain. I stared back at Luke in fear. His deep blue eyes stared back, and then slowly they changed. They turned into an indigo, then a violet shade. They kept transforming a different range of colors before they turned a bright red. I tried to move away from him, but I was suddenly trapped against a wall. Luke walked closer, and with every step, a different part of him changed. His face became as pale as the moon, his body womanly, then his hair long and fiery. I tried to find a path to get away, but I was completely trapped. Victoria smiled at me, then thrust her palm into my heart, stopping it completely. I felt it shatter and splinter into my skin, and I screamed in torment. She cackled evilly, and I stared back, though not able to focus on her face. "Edward!" I screamed. Those were my last words. But he never came, and I fell on the ground. I didn't get back up. _

I woke up screaming and sweating, though I had no covers on. I was still lying on the floor beneath the window. The air was frigid around me, yet I couldn't seem to cool down. It must've been a pregnancy thing.

I slowly brought myself to my knees, and looked around my room for Edward. Then I realized he hadn't come. I felt my heart aching again, only an echo of the dream. I stared numbly at the clock, trying to forget this night. It was 4am. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep again, so I stumbled blindly to the bathroom. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun, trying to keep some of the weight of my neck so I wouldn't overheat.

I went back to my room and changed into my now-tight black tank top. I had grown back into some of my clothes with the addition of my stomach. The clothes didn't fit in the right places, but it still fit. I put on my still-too-big shorts and wobbled across my room to close the window. I sighed as I made my way down the stairs again. I looked through the contents of my fridge, finding nothing appetizing. I looked through the freezer, still not finding anything. I looked back in the fridge, stupidly hoping maybe something had magically showed up. There was just a few cans of pop, a carton of orange juice, a carton of milk, left over rice from last Friday (which I made a mental note to throw out,) and some other leftovers.

I grabbed the milk and a bowl from the cupboard beside the fridge. I also took the box of Rice Krispies (my new obsession), and made myself some cereal. I swallowed my pregnancy pills, and started eating. After breakfast, I hobbled into the living room and grabbed my latest book off of the coffee table. I was reading Wuthering Heights for the 17th time. It's not like I had anything better to do.

I went back into my bedroom, and sat cross-legged on my bed. I flipped to the page I had dog-eared and started reading. When Kathy was alone, I closed the book. I usually did a very good job at becoming a zombie, but it only worked if absolutely nothing reminded me of my problem.

I sighed and grabbed my tattered notebook and started sketching. I remembered Edward and I in the hospital, talking about anything and everything we had missed. Neither of us had anything very pleasant to share. Apparently, Edward's life had sucked almost as much as mine when we were apart. Almost, but my life was most definitely worse.

I focused on my paper after about twenty minutes, and smiled at the result. I had drawn Edward's face, for once care-free and happy. I wished everything could go back to the way it was before he left me. But wishing, hoping, praying, and luck had never gotten me anything.

I threw my notebook on the ground abruptly. I looked at the clock. It was already 7am. Charlie would be at work right now. He probably thought I was sleeping or something, due to my pregnancy. If only he knew that I was crying over my hopeless life.

I picked up the notebook again and tore out the picture of Edward. I stared at it longingly, and then with a sudden rage, I ripped it into dozens of little pieces. I threw the pieces into my trashcan. Edward wouldn't be back. Even if he was, I knew we could never be as happy as we were before. There would always be something between us.

I screamed in frustration. Usually I was a nonviolent person, but I was overcome with pain and rage. I took the picture frame with his face in it, and smashed it to the ground.

I sat back on my bed, the rage slowly fading. When I realized what I had done, I frantically picked up the glass, tossing it into my trashcan. I threw the frame away too, since it probably wouldn't be of any use now. I gently picked up the photo of the most beautiful face in the world. I held it in my bleeding hands and curled back up on my bed. I stared at the photo and cried for the rest of the morning, trapped in a world of hopelessness.

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**Thanks for reading and reviewing! Just a little note: I have no idea how Bella loved Wuthering Heights! I tried to read it and got to page 7. Then I was so confused, I gave up! The words were too big ****lol**


	22. Red Eyes and Black Robes

Lithium, don't wanna lock me up inside  
Lithium, don't wanna forget how it feels without  
Lithium, I wanna stay in love with my sorrow  
Oh, but God I wanna let it go

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone  
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show  
Never wanted it to be so cold  
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me  
Wonder what's wrong with me?

-Evanescence, Lithium

I don't know how long I laid there. Time seemed to mean nothing. All I heard was the familiar sound of the washer down the hallway. I couldn't hear anything else, and I really didn't want to. Anything other than Edward's voice would be a disappointment.

So, I kept staring at his face. I took this picture while we were in the hospital, while we were joking and laughing. It seemed like years ago, rather than days. Things had changed so much in a matter of days. But that was how my life went. Everything dragged on, and then something would change in an instant, throwing the rest of my life out of balance. Luke is the thing now that through my life out of balance.

My fingers had stopped bleeding a while ago, though it was crusted around each separate cut. I hadn't even moved a fraction of an inch since I lay down. As my thoughts swirled around Edward, I was awoken out of my trance by the familiar sound of Charlie pulling in the driveway. I hadn't realized that 8 hours had already passed.

I got to my feet, and put on some clothes that were on the floor that I wore earlier this week. It was a plain gray t-shirt and some worn jeans. I looked in my mirror and fixed my hair. I practiced putting together a smile, just so Charlie wouldn't really worry. He usually believed my sad attempts at being sane. Or he at least pretended to go along with it, because he couldn't stand the alternative. Either way, my fake smile worked.

"Hey dad," I said when he came in the door. "What do you want for dinner?"

"I'll take whatever Bells," said Charlie. He sounded tired, but he had been working for 8 hours, so that would be normal.

"Well, I guess I'll make some spaghetti," I said a little too mock-cheerfully. Charlie looked at me skeptically, sensing there was something wrong.

"Where's Edward?" asked Charlie, sounding uninterested. I could see past the tone though, and he was really worried.

"Umm…I'm not exactly sure. He's probably staying with his family today. I mean, he's been over every day since I got out."

"That's kind of why I was wondering. You guys are…always together," he said with a shrug.

"Well, maybe we just need some alone time," I snapped at him a little too harshly.

Charlie mumbled something unintelligible. I'm pretty sure he said, "Pregnancy mood swings."

I sighed. "Sorry dad, it's the nerves. I'm a little stressed."

"It's all right Bells. But anyways, I think we need to talk about the…uh…kid."

I gritted my teeth. I really didn't want to talk about that situation now, but I had to do it sometime. It was probably better that Edward wasn't here. I didn't want to remind him more of my…betrayal.

Charlie went in the living room to watch TV while I cooked the spaghetti. It was a fairly short process, as far as dinner went. But it was also incredibly simple, so I had too much time to think. I had too much time to worry about Edward too.

"Dinner's done!" I shouted when I had the table set. All that sat there were two empty white plates, two empty glasses, and two forks and napkins. I put a heaping amount of spaghetti on Charlie's plate, while I had a smaller portion. Even though I was eating for two, I could never eat as much as Charlie without throwing up.

I filled up the glasses with water and set them back on the table. Charlie came in and sat down, and we ate relatively in silence. He and I were both dreading the talk about my transgression. Charlie never even gave me "the talk"- that was Renee's forte. He never even asked about boys seriously until he met Edward. And even now, he gets all awkward just by mentioning his name.

After we were both done eating, Charlie went back into the living room to watch a little more TV before our little talk. I washed the dishes meticulously, purposely taking my time. After I had washed each dish twice, rinsed, and dried until they wasn't a drop left, I put them away. I even rearranged the rest of the contents of the dish cupboard, and the silverware drawer. When I finally couldn't stall anymore, I walked sluggishly into the living room and sat down on the couch across from Charlie's chair.

He turned off the TV and turned to face me. With a deep sigh, he folded his hands and thought about what to say.

"Well, you're pregnant," he said uncomfortably. I nodded.

"Okay, who's the dad?" he asked.

"Well, I only ever had…it…once," I said, suppressing a shudder. It felt so weird talking to my dad- definitely not a good weird either.

"Well, that's good news…I guess," said Charlie slowly.

"So the…father…of the baby is…Luke Davis?" I asked, the words coming out more like a question than an answer.

"That punk is your kid's father!?" demanded Charlie. I nodded; my eyes on my feet. I looked back up at Charlie's face, which was a strange shade of blue. I was about to get up and help him when I thought better of it. He obviously wasn't choking.

His face slowly changed back to a red, then his regular pale with a little pink in his cheeks. He took a deep breath and tried to sound more reasonable.

"I didn't even know you two were going out," he said, looking me in the eye.

"Well, we went out on a couple dates; two dates, to be exact."

"Bella, I would be able to understand if it was with Edward or even Mike Newton. At least you guys got to know each other. But two dates- that's extremely irresponsible."

"Yeah, I know dad. But responsibility hasn't been my thing these past three years, you know," I said, trying to explain myself.

"So how far along are you?" he asked.

"Well, I think around 8 or nine weeks," I answered quietly.

"Okay. Just make sure to take care of it, I guess. Eat more, take your vitamins, and get your sleep," he said. I was relieved that this talk seemed to be over.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks dad, for not blowing up about it. But I really am so sorry, more than you know. But…congrats Grandpa," I said, halfheartedly. He chuckled slightly at my joke, but I knew neither of us was in the mood for my corny jokes. I hugged him goodnight and went back to my room.

As soon as I was in my place of solitude, I locked the door as usual. I sat down for a while, attempting to daydream. But even my wandering mind kept going back to Edward. My false mood faltered, and I felt my heart break a little more. I sucked in a lung-full of air and squeezed my eyes tight, waiting for the huge surge of torture to rack through me. I stayed perfectly still, un-breathing, waiting for the pain to come. Instead of the icy fist closing around my heart, I heard my curtains rustle. There was no breeze, so I turned towards the window.

He was standing cautiously across my room. I jumped up, forgetting all of the pain I had been about to experience. I ran at him, pulling him into my arms. He stiffened, unresponsive, while I molded myself to him. I breathed him in, having missed him more than I would've believed.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, tears obscuring my voice. He slowly wrapped his arms around me too, and we stood there for an immeasurable amount of time. I was wishing that we could stay like that forever, me and him together, where we belonged. He gently pulled away, and I was afraid that I did something wrong. Maybe he was here to say goodbye. Maybe he was leaving me…again.

I felt the familiar tears fill my eyes, and then tried to see him past the blur. "Bella?" he asked, his voice filled with concern. "Are you feeling alright?" At his question, I just buried my face into his chest, shaking my head back and forth.

"Are you…leaving me?" I choked out, barely a whisper. I knew he could hear me though, due to his supernatural senses. I tried to steady myself with a few ragged breaths, but that didn't help too much. I was still a mess.

"Only if you would prefer me to leave," he answered solemnly. I believed him instantly, hoping that I wouldn't regret it later. I always had a way of believing whatever anybody told me, and it hadn't exactly worked out for the better.

"No…you can never leave me," I whispered, looking up at him clearly for the first time tonight. His features were still in their glorious perfection, his hair as perfectly messy as ever. I took in a shaky breath, this time not from my sobbing. His eyes were warm and golden, seeming to beckon me to come closer, even though I couldn't. Everything about him invited me in. I faintly remembered him telling me about that in the meadow, trying to scare me off. He hadn't done the best job in that.

"Well then, I suppose I will be staying," he said. The scent of his breath caressed my face, smelling so sweet. I laughed hysterically, the relief being the only thing I felt.

"But I was under the impression that you preferred someone other than me," he continued. I tried to convert my thoughts into words while Edward waited patiently.

"He came over, and well, I told him about the baby. It was Luke Davis, by the way. You saw him, so there isn't really any reason for protecting his identity. And he acted so…cocky. He was getting on my nerves, and I was about ready to tell him to leave. But then, he made me feel guilty, and, I don't know. He just kissed me, and I didn't stop him. But I want you Edward. I want you and nobody else," I said, hoping he would understand.

I looked up at him, and he was wearing a thoughtful expression. He looked back down at me, masking all emotion. "Are you absolutely positive?" he asked.

"Positive about you, yes," I answered solemnly. I hugged him tighter, and he did the same to me in return. I sighed at the wonderful feeling of his strong arms around me. As long as he was with me, everything was perfect, everything was safe.

"No may I ask you a question?" he asked.

"Anything."

"Why are your hands bleeding?"

"Oh, I uh…" I said, scrambling for a plausible lie. Not that he would believe me. Edward had the ability to see through my sad attempts at lying, like most people. He let go of me abruptly, looking down seriously into my eyes.

"Bella, tell me what happened," he demanded, grabbing the top of my arms gently. I just stood there, silently crying. I felt the tears before Edward noticed them. But when he did, he just stared in horror. "Please tell me," he said helplessly.

"It's nothing," was all that I said. I tried to breath normally, but it's harder than it looks when the one you love is about to find out just how crazy you are.

"Isabella Marie Swan-" he started seriously. I cut him off.

"Okay, Okay! I'm crazy! Do you get it now?! I was so mad and depressed, that I started throwing things and ripping things. So I took the frame with your picture in it and smashed it, alright? Then I picked up all of the glass, piece by piece. I took your picture and I held it for the rest of the day just staring at you, because I thought I lost you- again! And now you're staring at me like I'm crazy, which is what I always knew what would've happened sometime, because I am crazy! I'm freaking psychotic! And all because every little thing I do hurts everyone more and more and everything hurts me and everything I was going to have with you! Because you had to go and leave me and no one could help me, so I had to find my own way to cope. Then Luke comes around acting like the jerk he is, trying to play the guilt trick, which always works on me, and I kissed him, and he's just a manipulator and I can't trust anybody. And now even Charlie is worried about me because I'm irresponsible and nuts and everyone knows it and…and…" I said, finally breaking down, unable to say anything more because of the tears.

I fell to my knees, feeling another stitch rip. It was ripping, and Edward wasn't coming to me, wasn't holding me. I sucked in another sharp breath, which stabbed into my heart like a knife. I felt Edward's dazed gaze on me, while my arms were wrapped around my chest, trying to hold myself together.

He knelt down beside me, and tried putting his arm around me. I shook it off, but he just wrapped his arms around me. I couldn't help but accept the comfort and lean back into him. I kept crying, resting my face in his shirt, staining it with saltwater. Every time some pain would rip through my torso, I would just hold onto him tighter, digging my nails into his arms, trying to find something to hold onto that would take away the pain.

I didn't know why I felt pain while Edward was with me. All that I knew was that if he wouldn't have been there, I might've ended the pain that night. If he wouldn't have been there, I probably would've forgotten everything except the pain. If I was being truthful, I probably would've committed suicide, killing my child in the process. I just held Edward tighter at that thought, my arms screaming in protest. I fell asleep there in his arms, my sobbing continuing in unconsciousness.

_I was in a dark, winding corridor. Doors were everywhere, each of them leading into the unknown. I didn't attempt to open any of those, afraid of what lay behind. No, my destination was at the end of the hallway. There was a bright light, as white as the one I had seen while I was in my coma. This one was even more dazzling, if that was possible. I kept walking along, until I reached the white. I ran through it, and landed in a place that was very, very dark, and very, very, cold. I couldn't see anything except for ominous shadows dancing across the black walls. I still went forward, able to see the cloud of my breath due to the cold. Those little clouds made everything even more menacing. Eventually, I came to a different kind of shadow. This one seemed to be hiding something. I stopped, realizing this was the end of the long hallway. A person emerged from the shadow. The man was clothed in a long black robe, reaching the floor. He turned towards me, and I noticed that his eyes were a fierce and startling blood-red. He wasn't a person, but a vampire. I froze in terror. He pulled something out of his robe. It looked like an infant, so small and feeble. The baby opened its eyes. They were the most beautiful shade of blue I had ever seen. My baby- the vampire had my baby. I dove at him, not caring that my attempt would be worthless. I wasn't strong enough to save my child, no matter how hard I tried. I grabbed for my baby, but my arm was caught by the vampire. He threw me, and somehow the floor disappeared. I fell into the dark void, screaming. "NO!!!!!!!"_

I was shaken awake by a troubled Edward. "Bella, love, are you alright?" I heard screaming in the background, not recognizing it as my own. I tried to stop, and the shrieks were replaced with tears and sobbing. I just shook my head back and forth rapidly, crushing myself into him. I needed all of the comfort I could get, and Edward was the best source of that. "My baby, my baby…" I chanted, whispering. Edward just held me, though he was tense with worry.

The evil vampire darted behind my eyelids, smiling wickedly. "Edward, who are the vampires in black robes?" I whispered. He didn't answer. Instead he just hummed me my lullaby, which sent me to a world of dreams which made much more sense.


	23. One of the Last Times

He's taken and leaving  
But I keep believing  
That he's gonna come round soon  
Until I see him again  
I'm staying believing  
That it won't be deceiving  
When he's gonna come round

Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave  
Like I'm just one more tortured heart  
These cracks that I show as I'm watching  
You go aren't tearing me apart  
I may seem naive if I cry as you leave  
Like I'm just one more tortured heart  
These cracks that I show as I'm watching  
You go aren't tearing me apart

The angels said I'd smile today  
Well who needs angels anyway?

-Sara Barielles, _Come Round Soon_

My horrible dream seemed to recede deep into my memory when sun streamed through my window and warmed my face. I took a deep breath, reveling in the beautiful aroma that surrounded me. Edward smelt like sunshine and different flowers that I couldn't even name. It was like a garden blooming in the summertime, but there was still a hint of masculinity. I was lying beside him, my arm thrown across his chest. It was a little cold, which balanced out the warmth of the blankets around me. That was one of the things I had missed most when Edward was gone.

I held him a little tighter, never wanting to let him go. One day, I would be a vampire. When that day came, I would be as strong as him. That way, he could never leave me. I would follow him if he did. But for now, I just had to hope and pray that he would put up with me a little bit longer, and I couldn't do anything to mess it up.

"Good morning, love," he said warmly, looking into my eyes and stroking my face.

"Good morning Edward," I said, wincing at the scratch the words made in my throat. Edward just continued holding me, pretending not to remember the tears that had caused my throat to hurt.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked, his voice reserved. I tried to think back to last night, and everything came in a blur. I wasn't exactly sure what kind of night it was, other than an unpleasant one.

"I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't good, but I don't remember any of my dreams," I started, then paused when the dream came flooding back. I remembered it in perfect clarity. I felt my mouth go dry in fright as I remembered the demonic vampire with the bright red eyes…and my baby. My breathing accelerated and my heart pounded in my chest. "Now I remember," I said in barely a whisper.

"Would it help if you told me what it was about?" he asked carefully, trying not to startle me. I nodded once, and then started talking.

"I was in a dark hallway. It was like an old dungeon in a palace, you know like the ones in fairytale movies. Except this one was real. I kept walking until I reached the end, and there was a white light. I walked into it, and I landed in a big black room. It was really cold, and there were shadows everywhere. I tried to find a way out, but there wasn't any. I came to a really big shadow, and something came out of it. It was a vampire in a long black robe and he had the reddest eyes I've ever seen. He had my baby. I knew he was going to kill it, and I tried to save him. I reached for my baby, but I wasn't strong enough. The vampire threw me to the ground, but it had disappeared. I fell into a black hole, and then woke up," I finished, tears starting to fill my eyes. "The worst part was knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't save my baby. I was too weak and human," I whispered.

"Have you ever seen or heard anything about that vampire before?" he asked. I could tell that he was trying to mask the panic in his voice.

"No. But some how it seemed…familiar," I answered. Something about the way the vampire lurked in the shadows, the way it seemed superior to everything was recognizable. I felt like I knew it faintly, unconsciously.

"But you don't know how you know it," he clarified.

"Exactly," I answered. I never wanted to see those piercing eyes again.

"Damn it," Edward cursed under his breath. I froze, not used to Edward cussing- ever. I had heard my imagination-Edward swear, but that was different. The real Edward never cussed.

"What?" I asked, my tone incredulous.

"He had a long black robe, right?" he asked. I nodded silently, watching. Edward got up and started pacing across my room, something he did when he was worried or trying to think. "Don't forget the bright red eyes," I said with a shudder.

"Shit," he swore again under his breath. "Sorry for cursing in your presence, love," he said quickly, still not looking at me. I wondered what was making him so anxious.

"Edward, what is it?" I asked, growing frustrated with his silence. I absent-mindedly started stroking my stomach- comforting the baby- while I waited for an answer. I waited for a good five minutes before snapping at him. "Edward!" I yelled.

He stopped pacing, clearly not expecting my outburst. He just stared at me, openmouthed. "What?" he asked. Apparently he hadn't heard my previous question.

"What is it?" I asked, still annoyed. He just shook his head again, deciding to ignore me. He started pacing again, and my frustration turned to fury.

"EDWARD CULLEN! TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON!" I yelled at him. He stopped again and turned to me, exasperated.

"Bella, please be quiet! I'm trying to think!" he yelled, much quieter than me. Even though he was just responding at my previous outbursts, the volume of his words still hurt. I winced as the words cut through me.

He noticed my stunned expression and tried to talk more gently. "Bella, love, I'm sorry. I'm trying to answer your question, if you could wait."

I just pressed my lips together in a tight line and nodded, chagrined. I felt stupid from exploding at him when he was trying to answer my question. So, now I stared straight ahead with, my cheeks a shade of bright red.

His pacing slowed and then he turned back to me and sat beside me on my bed. He took a deep breath, as if to steady himself. "It was most likely one of the Volturi," he answered quietly. Now I remembered. Edward had told me about the Volturi on a few different occasions. They were basically the rulers of the vampire world, enforcing the laws.

"Huh. I wonder why I dreamt about them," I said, wondering. There was nothing that could've triggered that dream, nothing that could've made me think of them.

"You might not of," he murmured, his eyes showing that his mind was far away, thinking. I stared blankly at him, not comprehending what he was trying to tell me.

"Umm, I'm kind of confused," I said awkwardly. Some light seemed to go on in his head, like he just understood something trivial. Then his eyes clouded over with darkness, the warm golden-brown being replaced with a cold brown fury. His breathing came out in rough gasps, like what he had just learned meant the end of the world.

"It's a warning," he said, staring off into space. At that moment, Alice came bursting into my room, a shock to me. Her black spiky hair was as shiny as always, her movements as graceful as ever. But there was something very off about her, something that scared me very much. Her eyes were in the same far away place as Edward's. I knew that look.

Edward and Alice were experiencing one of her visions. By the set of both of their mouths, it wasn't a good one. I felt my heart race, my blood pumping though my veins at an impossibly fast speed. My breath came out ragged and shallow. I didn't want to hear the verdict.

Alice's eyes cleared first, but they were tinted in the same horror as Edward's. "Bella," she said, her voice seeping with despair.

Edward finished her sentence in a desolate voice. "The dream was a warning. The Volturi sent it to show us that they're coming."

"What do you mean?" I asked, my voice filled with bewilderment. I had no idea what they were talking about, but it sounded like I didn't want to know.

"Bella, the Volturi know that you know too much. They were warning you that they were coming to…get rid of you. You're not supposed to know about vampires."

"We have to turn her," Edward said indifferently. The way he said it made it seem he was sure that was the only option.

"Wait, you're turning me into a vampire?" I asked dubiously. I had waited so long for him to finally accept the fact of me becoming an immortal. It meant that I could finally become stay with Edward forever. The joy overshadowed my previous apprehension. But then a new concern emerged in my mind.

"Wait, what about my baby?" I asked, my arms wrapping around my stomach instinctively, trying to protect my child.

"It doesn't matter," Edward said, his voice bleak. "The fetus would be too young to survive outside of your uterus, and when we turn you, your new body would dispose of it."

"Wait, you mean my baby would die!? No! No, you can't. I won't let you," I said protectively, backing away from the two of them. How dare he suggest killing my baby? And he acted like it was no big deal! No, I wouldn't let anyone harm my baby- ever.

"Bella, please; it's the only way. It's either we turn you or the Volturi kill you. Either way the infant would be killed. If we turn you, there's a chance you can still live," said Edward, trying to get through to me. It didn't exactly work.

"No, there's another way. There has to be. Maybe, if…I could even beg them to wait until the baby was born. Then I could be turned into a vampire. They could even kill me, as long as they waited for the baby to be born. I mean, what would seven or eight months mean for a thousand-some year old vampire? And I know I would have someone to take care of him, right?" I asked, my voice growing more optimistic every second. I would most definitely have someone to take care of my baby. If Charlie couldn't, I knew that Rosalie would be more than happy to raise my baby. That was what she had wanted her whole life- a child of her own.

Edward just stared at me, his face appalled. I had no idea why though. I had come up with a solution that meant saving my baby. "Isabella, you expect me to go along with a plan that would consist of you sacrificing yourself for Luke Davis's spawn?!" he sputtered.

"His spawn?! You make my baby sound…evil…like you're revolted by it," I asked, completely horrified by Edward's words.

"Bella, I'm not going to let you surrender yourself! You mean too much to me! You can't just let yourself die for his offspring!" Edward yelled again.

"It's not just his child! It's my baby too! So you just want to kill _MY_ baby?!?!" I shrieked at him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Bella, please, just go along with my plan for once," he said. I knew that he knew he was defeated. I would win, because he wouldn't do anything against my will. He wouldn't kill anything that I loved.

Alice hadn't said anything through the whole fight, so I was startled when she spoke up. "Edward, give up. Bella loves the baby, and you can't force her into immortality. She's going to win, so just let her have it her way. If she dies, I won't stop you from following her," Alice said in her trilling soprano voice. It rang with solemnity and authority, something I'd never detected in her voice before.

Edward hung his head in defeat, and the weight of my decision fell upon my shoulders. I was saving my baby, no matter what. I might die in the process, but that wasn't anything unfamiliar. How many times had I tried to kill myself, not trying to save anything at all? This would be too simple, too easy. I might live or die, depending on the Volturi's mood. But there was something else attached to this decision that had never been there before- Edward's life. Before, it didn't matter whether or not I died, he didn't care. But now, he was back and he would kill himself if I wasn't here. He had told me that before he left me, on the night of my birthday party. It seemed like such a long time ago.

I couldn't bear to have the world without Edward. That was a world not worth living in. But if he was dead, I would've already been gone a long time ago. I took comfort in the thought, knowing that I would be in heaven with Edward.

I had made up my mind, and once I made a choice, I stuck to it. That was the one thing I always did well. Making my decision was the hard part, and it was over with. Now all I had to do was follow my plan and hope that it would work out flawlessly. But again, what did hope ever get me?

***

"Wait, so how would they be able to send the message in my dreams? I mean, they can't control my thoughts and my mind is safe, right?" I asked, by voice layered with skepticism.

Edward, Alice, and I had gone over to the Cullen's after our little dispute to hear the others' views. Carlisle had agreed with me that we couldn't kill my child, no matter if my life was on the line. Edward had stared at him with something close to revulsion when Carlisle voiced his opinion. Rosalie had agreed with me completely. She thought that saving the child was just as important as saving me, which I was grateful for. Rosalie and I might end up being better friends after this, seeing how she had taken my side. Edward wasn't at all surprised by her stance- he had expected as much. Esme had remained neutral, stating that it should be mine and Edward's decision. Emmet wouldn't go against anything Rose said, but Jasper was with Edward. He didn't want to risk my life or the chance of the Volturi not fulfilling their part of the bargain and killing me and the child anyways. The vote was almost unanimous- my plan was the best.

"Well, I've heard from some friends in Italy that the Volturi have acquired a new member of the guard. Her name is Liana, and she can apparently push thoughts into your mind. It works the best in dreams, but she can do it when someone is conscious." Carlisle explained.

"But isn't my mind supposed to be…safe? I mean, Edward can't read it and Jane can't hurt me." I said questioningly. At least, I hoped Jane still didn't have any effect on me, but I doubt that I could ever experience any worse pain than Edward leaving me.

"That's why I'm perplexed. It wouldn't make sense, unless her powers were stronger than any we've ever encountered. She could just be extremely gifted," said Carlisle with a sigh. "Other than that, I can't think of a different solution."

Edward was silent, still furious over the fact that everyone agreed with me. And I was guessing that he was more than a little jealous over the fact that someone else could get in my mind, and he couldn't.

"Hopefully she won't…" I started. I got cut off by a strange thought. This thought was painful, more so than anything I'd ever experienced. I screamed in anguish, falling off my chair and onto the floor. My back arched and the rest of me twisted and contorted into different angles, shuddering from the pain. I let out another scream, feeling a fire rip through my body. It felt like my limbs had been lit on fire and were being tore away from my body. I didn't know what was happening. I felt my eyes roll back into my head, and in the black I saw the crimson eyes. Then a face was holding the eyes, and it was laughing at me. The face was one of a woman with thick waves of black hair waving around her. Her skin seemed to be as pale and translucent as ice, her teeth sharp and menacing. "_We're coming for you_," whispered the woman with a smirk. In the background, there was another giggle, coming from a cherubic angel-like face belonging to none other than Jane.

The pain stopped abruptly, and I felt different icy sets of arms holding me, trying to calm me. I curled up, still on the floor. I stared straight ahead, unseeing. My breath came out in heavy, ragged, gasps. My heart was still pumping double-time. I felt several hands shaking my shoulders, trying to get my attention. I realized then that I wasn't hearing anything. I tried to focus, and the words and sounds started to become clearer. At first they were just quiet whispers, then low talking, and then finally the shouts of worry.

"Bella! Bella! Are you alright?" said a familiar high-pitched voice- Alice.

"Bella, love, can you hear me?" said the most beautiful voice in the room- Edward.

"Bella, darling, please look at me," said a warm female voice- Esme.

"Please Bella, you need to try to focus," a deep, sure, voice said- Carlisle.

"Is she alright?" called a twinkling voice from the background- Rosalie.

I tried to find something to focus on, but it was hard when I couldn't see anything besides shadows. When I finally focused, I saw Edward's perfect face masked in panic. I heard everyone's breath of relief when they realized I was responsive.

"Bella, what happened?" asked Carlisle's controlled voice. I waited until I could feel my voice was there, that I could use it.

"I think it was the new vampire again and…Jane. I felt so much pain, and I couldn't see anything besides her face and Jane's. They were both laughing and Liana said, _we're coming for you_," I rasped out in a whisper.

"Wait…Jane transmitted her powers to Bella through Liana," Carlisle said, his voice showing his complete and utter revolt.

"She's not safe anymore?" asked Edward in an agonized whisper. His eyes seemed afraid and lost, like a little missing child. I knew my eyes probably were the mirror image of his. Everything we had known about my mind being safe from harm was destroyed. Anyone with powers could now penetrate through my thick skull and mess around with my thoughts.

I knew that when we met with the Volturi it would be hard to convince them to let me live. I was pretty sure that they would never agree to me living, but depending on their mood, they might let my child live.

I lay there like that, frozen until Alice picked me up and set me on the couch. Edward was just as still as I, too shocked to even breath. The rest of the Cullens and I were situated around the living room. I just gazed blankly at the ceiling, hoping that this was just one really bad dream and everything would work out in the end.

"Wait," I asked. "If she can put thoughts into my mind, couldn't she just make up everything? I mean, what if everything was just one of her vision-things. What if none of this is going on and I'm just lying in my room, asleep right now?" I asked, my voice filled with dread.

"She probably could, but we'll never be able to know for sure. But I think that Liana's powers have a distinct look to them. In reality, there are colors everywhere, but I have a feeling that her powers only make certain things show up, without much attention to detail. Was there anything behind Jane and Liana, or was it just blank?" asked Alice.

I thought back on the memory, even though I really didn't want to. I was afraid that the pain would emerge again, but thankfully, it didn't. When I looked back, there really wasn't anything there that resembled reality. Jane and Liana were just faces, and the background was just filled with shadows.

"It was pretty much blank, other than a few shadows," I answered. I tried to make my voice sound tranquil like Edward usually did, but it was harder than it seemed. My lying still worked around humans, but vampire senses were too sharp. I could never lie convincingly to Edward or his family until I was like them.

"See. Now you will know what is real and what is not," said Alice proudly. Edward slowly brought himself up off his knees and stood carefully, like he was about to loose his balance at any moment. I wanted to run to him so badly and comfort him, but I was sure that my balance was probably at least five times worse than his, especially in my state of shock.

Edward slowly walked over to me, and then sat down beside me, bringing my head into his lap. He started slowly stroking my hair, and I relaxed under his touch. I felt my eyes droop closed, not realizing that it was already dark outside. We had discussed everything for over six hours. I sighed in contentment as his sparks flowed through my veins, and then I drifted into a world of dreams. Too bad Liana didn't like the idea of a peaceful sleep; no, she preferred torturing me. It was probably more fun than leaving me alone, at least to a creepy malevolent vampire.

_Circles, circles, circles, I'm running in circles. That was all I could comprehend. Everything was dark and blank, yet it gave off a very forbidding aura. I breathed harder and harder, my heart beating faster and faster. I felt my heart being wrenched apart with every beat, with every breath. The red eyes followed me everywhere I went, watching me with glee when I realized I was trapped. I stopped and stared back at the blood-red eyes, not backing away at the sight. I stood my ground, and then heard an evil trilling laugh. The sound of it raised the hair on the back of my neck. "It's Liana, remember me? Your precious Cullens will die. You know that, don't you? Unless you leave them, we will have to separate you by less than humane circumstances. They won't back down unless we, well, terminate them. So my suggestion is that you get over your aversion to us and pay the city of Volturra a visit. We'll make sure that it's quick and painless; it really wasn't your fault that you got into the wrong crowd. Isabella, you have to save Edward." She murmured hypnotically. I found myself nodding at her, agreeing with her proposition._

_"Wait!" I yelled when I found my voice. "Can I…May I have 7 months? Please, that's all I'm asking! I just…need the time."_

_"Oh, your pregnancy. Yes I heard about that. I guess we could accept saving the child, if you care about it that much. You can put it in adoption on one condition. While you're carrying, you have to leave the Cullen's. Without explanation, you will leave tomorrow. You will be greeted at the Seattle airport by Alec, and he will have your tickets. You will be escorted to Volturra and then you will live in our city for these 7 months. The child will be born, and then you will put it up for adoption. As soon as a family is found- most likely in a matter of days- you will be executed. Are we clear?" She asked in her somehow seductive voice. I just nodded, overflowing with the joy of saving my child and seeping with dread at the thought of leaving Edward_. But then, Liana was gone and my dream was over.

I awoke, startled by the set of constricting cold arms around me. For a moment, I thought it was Liana, but then I felt the familiar sting of electricity pulsing through them. My breathing was still speeding, terrified of what the light of morning would bring. How drastically everything had changed from this morning. Edward noticed my physical anxiety and held me tighter. "Bella, love, are you feeling well? Did you have a bad dream?" he asked with apprehension.

"Yeah, it was a bad one, but I'm okay," I said, trying to sound unconcerned. But my heart was still racing, causing my words to sound off.

"Did Liana create it?" he asked in a monotone voice. I could hear the alarm starting to crack his perfect façade.

"No, actually it didn't have anything to do with vampires," I whispered, looking down. I didn't want to lie to his face. He just looked so vulnerable, that I couldn't bear lying to him.

"Oh, really?" he asked, taking my chin in between two of his fingers and lifting it so he could see me. I tried to look back down, but he held me where I was, and after a while, I couldn't find the want to ever move. I exhaled a breath that I didn't know I was holding, and then I looked into his eyes. They were the perfect shade of honey, twinkling in the moonlight. He was pale as alabaster and was even more beautiful than Adonis. I lifted my fragile hand up to his face, watching as the moonlight bleached it just as pale as his own skin.

"Edward," I breathed. He looked at me with uncertainty, and I quickly made my point clear. I leaned into him, pushing my lips against his. His lips moved against mine with force and passion that could've burned down my house. Our mouths moved in synchronization, neither of us holding back. I felt something change in the atmosphere, something that might make tonight the best night of my existence. I opened my mouth more, breathing into him. He moaned in response, and I knew that I was probably going too far. The urgency was evident in my lips, and he was confused, but that didn't stop me from advancing. I let my tongue slide across his lip, and instead of the instant pulling-away that I was expecting, it was greeted by yet another groan. I pressed myself against his body as hard as I could, molding myself to him. He realized where I was going and stiffened in response. He broke away gently, yet forcefully, from me. Our breaths were both ragged and my heart was pulsing at an alarming rate. We lay there side by side for a while, just catching our breath. That kiss was the number one kiss of my life, since it wouldn't be long enough to call an existence.

As that thought hit me, the previous high from the kiss was replace by a cloud of terror. I turned towards him, wrapping my arms around his waist and holding him tight. I lay my cheek against his marble chest and breathed in his scent, trying to memorize it. There was nothing else in the world I wanted more than him. What I did tomorrow could either be categorized as the greatest act of love ever committed or the stupidest action ever, depending on how you looked at it. I thought of it as a little of both.

I moved my lips up to his cheek, and looked him in the eye. "I love you more than anything in the world," I said fervently, feeling it was the only thing I could trust anymore. My love for Edward would never end, so it was in the end the only reliable or stable thing in my life. It was the only thing I had to hold onto in the flood of uncertainties and changes.

He replied with, "Love, I hope that you know that I feel even more than that for you. Everything in the universe, everything that ever existed would be meaningless, worthless, without you here. I would trade a million of my lives before I would ever want the faintest amount of pain to color yours. I want nothing more than to be with you forever, than to have you belong to me for the rest of my existence," he said unquestioningly, his eyes boring into mine with emotion so strong, it took all that I had not to turn away.

I turned away and rested my face on his chest, my ear right where his now-dormant heart was. I was half-expecting to hear the steady thudding of a heart, but instead I heard nothing. He promised to love me forever. It seemed as if I should trade hearts with him. His seemed to be the one filled with devotion; he deserved a beating heart to go along with it. I deserved nothing but a black hole, since I was crushing his love anyways by leaving him. _I'm going to save him though_, I kept reminding myself.

I felt my eyes fill with the tears I had grown so accustomed to. I listened to his steady breathing, counting. I counted his breaths because it was the only thing I could do to focus on not loosing it. I didn't want to leave him any more than I wanted my child to be killed. I was saving him and his family and my baby. That was eight lives for the price of one.

The rest of the night I just lay there, motionless, memorizing the pattern of his breaths. I committed to memory the feel of the sparks between us and the harmonic melody of his voice. I made sure his beautiful aroma was burned into my brain, to stay there forever or at least roughly seven months. My breath was shaky when I tried to keep breathing. Edward was tense, worrying about me. Tomorrow it would be sunny, as I knew from the weather forecast I had watched earlier this week. Tomorrow would be the day the Cullen's went hunting, leaving me alone. Tomorrow would be the day I left Edward, never ever seeing him again. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling a few stray tears drip off my face and onto his chest.

"Bella, what's the matter?" asked Edward softly.

"Nothing. I'm just…worrying," I said truthfully.

"About what?"

"Everything." I felt his arms tighten around me, and we stayed like that until the sun started to peek through my curtains. At that sight, I felt myself dying inside- a preparation for leaving him. "I love you so much," I whispered. I knew it would be one of the last times I would ever say it to him. I knew he heard me, because he answered with, "As I love you." And then my heart shattered completely for the second time in my life.

* * *

**Yeah, I'm not really the best with happiness. Emoish is more of my forte. But anyways, i want you guys' opinions on whether or not i should make a sequel, because this story is probably coming to an end. I'm tossing ideas around so i'll probably have one ending, then an alternate, but i'm not sure. So i need your opinions! My profile has all these songs and i just heard some sara barielles and she is amazing! all of her songs have so much emotion! but anyways...REVIEW! :)**


	24. The Last Goodbye

I'll seek you out,  
Flay you alive  
One more word and you won't survive  
And I'm not scared of your stolen power  
I see right through you any hour

I won't soothe your pain  
I won't ease your strain  
You'll be waiting in vain  
I got nothing for you to gain

I'm taking it slow  
Feeding my flame  
Shuffling the cards of your game  
And just in time  
In the right place  
Suddenly I will play my ace

Eyes on fire  
Your spine is ablaze  
Felling any foe with my gaze

And just in time  
In the right place  
Steadily emerging with grace

-Blue Foundation, _Eyes on Fire_

The light was shining through the window, and my heart was pulsing along in a strange rhythm. It was strange because, unlike Edward's, my heart was actually beating. It was beating, and I was giving up on it. I was giving up on everything, and I couldn't hide that fact from myself. My breath became slightly irregular, because I felt Edward tense. He was about to get up and leave me. This in turn meant that in mere minutes, I would be leaving him in the worst way possible. I steadied my breath, and pushed myself up and into an upright position.

"Edward," I started, my voice completely masked. It sounded strong and unafraid. Deep inside, I was terrified and petrified and tormented.

"Yes, love?" he asked with concern shadowing his beautiful voice. I closed my eyes tightly, because I couldn't look at him suddenly. I wondered if he had felt this horrible when he left me the first time.

"Go," I breathed, barely a whisper. I felt tears coming up, so I shut my eyes even tighter. It felt like my lids were about to burst. But the pain stopped the tears.

"What?" he asked, bewildered, like his ears were deceiving him. But I knew that his immortal hearing never failed- no matter how I sometimes wished it would. I bet he could hear my heart stuttering in my chest.

"Go," I repeated, my voice somewhat stronger. He just stared at me, his eyes boring into mine. It was like he was trying to find an alternate meaning to that single word.

"What? Do you not…want to be with me any longer?" he asked. The look in his eyes was so defenseless. My heart seemed to stop completely.

"No. I don't," I whispered. _Lie better, or he'll die_. Liana's voice seemed to echo inside my mind. "I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. Everything used to be so…perfect. But when you left me, everything was wrong. When you came back, I thought everything would be the way it was before. But it's not." Lies, lies. "Do you remember what it felt like when I was in your arms? It was like every part of me belonged to you. Every part of me seemed to be electrified. But Edward, those feelings are gone." More lies. I was lying through my teeth now; in his eyes, every word looked like a separate stab into his heart. I covered all of my feelings completely, my voice as heartless as a zombie's.

"Well, in that case, I'll be leaving then," he said in a choked whisper. I had never seen Edward like this- ever. My mind was screaming at me, _you're letting him go! He's leaving! NO! _Yet my face showed no emotion. How I longed to hold his hand, to break down in his arms and cry. But I didn't.

"Never come back," I whispered, my voice cracking in the middle of the sentence. At those three words, his eyes clouded over- a shield. He just nodded, his eyes still probing mine. Both of us looked like we were dead. No feeling showed. Just how I used to like it, so many months ago.

He silently slipped out my open window, his jump as lithe and graceful as a lion's. I waited for at least five minutes, my eyes never straying from the window, waiting for the ice in my veins to melt into blood once again.

When the blood seemed to rush from my heart, I knelt on the ground, realizing the gravity of the mistake I had just made. "Goodbye, Edward," I whispered. "I love you. So does your baby…" I breathed, the last words fading into the silence. One lone tear streaked down my face, leaving a small stream of salt water down my cheek. I pushed myself back up and started packing my bags. The tears came freely now, a nice addition to my guilt.

_Here I come, Liana and Jane. Hurt me as much as you want, because nothing will EVER compare to this. _


	25. No Meaning

In my sweetest dreams  
It's just you and me  
And we break wide  
I wake reminded love  
How I just gave up  
And how you moved on, how you moved on

I'm waiting for something  
I've waited for now  
For the rolling canyons of love  
And i'm tongue tied  
And you're coming alive, coming alive

Sooner surrender  
Then watch the last wall collapse  
And sooner surrender  
And our love will count for everything

I'm sorry that you've gone  
So sorry that you've gone  
I'm sorry that you've gone  
Love

Matt Nathanson, _Sooner Surrender_

As I packed my bags, the tears refused to stop flowing. I wrote a short note to Charlie once I was finished.

_Dear Dad,_

_I love you more than the world, but Forks just isn't working out. Sorry that I'm leaving without more explanation. I'm not going to Jacksonville though. I'm going to go on my own, and I hope that one day, you'll forgive me. I'll call you._

_Much Love, _

_Bella xoxoxo._

A few tear stains dotted the letter, almost as if I was standing in the rain as I wrote it. I gasped in air, each breath stinging like salt in an open wound. It would kill Charlie and Renee- me leaving. But either way, I would end up dead. There would be no happy ending for me. I quickly wrote a note for my mom.

_Dear Mom,_

_I love you so much. Please don't think that this is you or dad's fault that I'm leaving. Don't freak out though- I'll be okay. I don't know if I'll visit much, but everything will be fine. I'll call you often._

_With love,_

_Bella xoxoxo_

My mom's letter was just as wet as Charlie's when I was done writing it. I knew that they would worry, but hopefully they wouldn't try to find me. I had one last letter to write, one that would hurt worse than all the rest. This one letter would surely be breaking the rules of this lopsided compromise. But I knew that she would see through me, and I couldn't have that.

_Dear Alice,_

_Remember that you are forever and eternally my best friend. I'll miss you tremendously, but I can't stand being in Forks anymore. Even with you and the rest of your family back, it's not the same with me and Edward. Everything reminds me of what we shared before, and the fact that I suffered more than what was healthy when he left me. I knew it was wrong to take him back and be with him- I can feel it. So I'm leaving. Don't try to look for me. Tell Edward especially to never try and find me, because chances are, he won't like what he finds. I don't want to be with him. I'm moving on. The days with him were the best of my life, but I know they're over. I hope he and you can understand that. Give my love to everyone in your family- including Edward- please, as my last request to you._

_Much love,_

_Isabella Swan_

I made sure to hold the letter away from me as I wrote. That way, none of my tears showed. I sat down the pen with shaking fingers. I pulled three envelopes from the box in which they were kept, addressed them with first names, and sealed the notes inside. I stared at the small stack of papers, and felt a few more warm tears streak down my face. For as much as I loved these people, all I could give them for an explanation was a paragraph or two. I sunk back onto the ground, and stared aimlessly at the ceiling. Once I had my child, life would have no meaning. I would dread the coming of that day.

An hour later, I was opening my truck's door, about to drive to the Seattle airport. This was the beginning of the end- the point where I decided to never turn back. Everything was going to change, and nobody was going to save me. In fact, I wasn't going to let anyone save me. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

I forced my arm to pull and open the door. I climbed in to the truck, forcing my unwilling body to follow commands. Subconsciously and consciously, my mind and body knew that I was about to go through more psychological pain than ever before. There might even be more physical pain too. That wasn't exactly something worth looking forward to.

I sped through the different highways and rural roads, everything a blur of green. I paid attention to the road, and that was it. I was afraid that if I did look to the side, I might see something that would remind me of the decision I was in the process of making. I might turn and see a Volvo, or a man with messy bronze hair. I might see a short woman with spiky black hair, or a police cruiser. Almost everything would remind me of leaving.

When I finally pulled into the airport, I grabbed my duffel bag and my purse from the seat beside me. "It's alright," I whispered to the baby, stroking my stomach. The baby seemed to be going crazy. It was kicking around in my stomach frantically, repeatedly, like it was trying to get me to realize how afraid it was. But I already knew that my baby's fear probably mimicked my own.

I opened the door, hauled myself and my luggage into a standing position, and took a deep breath. It hurt just as bad as the others before it. The ground was wet and slippery, so I carefully walked, step by step, up to the entrance. There were people everywhere, talking, texting, or just running to catch their flights. I stayed out of everyone's way, but looked at each distinct face, trying to find Alec. In the end, he found me instead.

"So, I finally have the honor of meeting Ms. Isabella Swan," he said in a very smooth, yet slightly childlike voice. I jumped, and then turned to face him. He was no taller than me, with dark brown hair and practically bleached skin. His skin was faintly luminescent, and his eyes were a very peculiar purple color. It was probably the exact color of blue contacts over crimson eyes. He was around 14, I guessed, when he got changed. All the same, he was unnaturally beautiful. The most surprising thing was that I could see no hatred or malice in his eyes. I could only find a bit of fascination twinkling in his eyes.

"Ummm…hello Alec," I murmured. It was extremely awkward trying to talk to someone who was going to be killing you in the next few months.

"Well I don't think that we should be waiting in this airport! Let us get on the plane to Italy, shall we?" he asked with pleasantry.

I just nodded numbly. You couldn't tell by looking at me, but I was solidifying inside- petrified. If I was going to be around Edward's kind- vampires- I needed to be numb. If I awoke, I would have an emotional breakdown, right there, in front of hundreds of people; because the similarities between Edward and Alec, (well all vampires) would have knocked me breathless.

So I followed Alec onto the plane. He didn't bother turning around to make sure I was following him. I was sure he could hear my stumbling, uneven, steps. The flight attendant let us in with a smile, taking my ticket as I passed her. Alec made sure to find a seat where we could sit next to each other. I didn't know the reason behind this, but if it was to comfort me. It wasn't working.

As the attendant instructed us to put on our seat belts, Alec stiffened. I froze in response and his eyes darted to mine. He smiled wickedly. "Well, you do smell completely mouth-watering. The Cullen's weren't lying when they said Edward had a problem being near you." At that, he leaned in towards me, seeming to breathe my scent in. It reminded me of when Edward told me he was enjoying the bouquet but resisting the wine. It was about a million times creepier when Alec acted on it. I resisted the urge to pull away, unsure of how he would react to that. After a minute, he pulled away, settled in his seat, and didn't talk for the rest of the flight.

I stared out the window, the world a blur of emerald green and smoky gray. I watched as the hills, clouds, and mountains morphed into clear, flat, blank plains. Soon these transformed into rolling green hills, and after that, we landed in the New York airport.

"We're getting on the plane to England, than Italy, and then finally, home sweet home, Volturra," he said with a smile. I had a hard time imagining Alec being a member of the Volturi. He seemed to be too happy, too young and optimistic to be one of them. Everything about him seemed to be bright. But then I caught a glimpse of his contact-covered eyes and remembered the most important thing that made him part of the Volturi. To him, humans were food. That was all. The only reason I was probably alive was because of orders from the bosses- Aro, Caius, and Marcus.

We moved swiftly through the terminals and corridors. But apparently, I was still too slow. So he grabbed me by the elbow and dragged me along behind him. It would probably be easier for him if he had a leash. That way he could never lose me- like a pet. I chuckled a little, remembering back when I saw Laurent in the meadow. He had referred to me as the Cullen's' "pet." It was totally unexpected that I would end up as the Volturi's pet. I chuckled a bit more, some hysteria seeping into my voice.

"What's so funny?" asked Alec, his blinding smile showing up again.

"Oh, nothing really. Just some things are becoming very, very, ironic," I answered. I smiled just a little. Strangely, it was nearly impossible to stay completely suicidal with Alec around.

"Such as…?" he questioned. He raised one eyebrow as he said this. I'd always wanted to be able to do that.

"Umm…I guess I never thought that I'd end up as the Volturi's pet," I said with a little giggle. To me, it wasn't funny at all. I was focusing on not screaming at how wrong this was.

And so we boarded the plane together. As soon as it took off, I settled deeper into the wide, first class seat. I pulled my legs up to my chest, while the day's events bounced around in my mind.

_Never come back_… I had told him. Little did he know that the single promise was meant for me, rather than him. I would never come back. I would stay in Volturra, loathing every moment of life until the end. Until there would be absolutely no meaning at all.

The tears fell in torrent down my face, and I closed my eyes, letting the darkness of my dreams suffocate and close over me once again.


	26. A Pointless Existence

EPOV

"Wait right here",  
Is all she said to me  
And so right here I stay

Time has reached our home  
And I've been left alone  
It's carried her away

And everyone keeps saying,  
"Nothing helps but time"  
Time is all I own

And time won't stop replaying  
Over in my mind  
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket  
Where I can hide away, I know I can't take it  
'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days

Now a year has passed  
Alone I stay inside  
And I await the rain

To wash away your face  
So I don't have to hide  
The sight of you is painful

-Joshua Radin, One of those days

How many times had I tried to prepare myself for her leaving? How many times had I imagined how I would try to hide the anguish? And how could I ever have left her…

I sprinted through the downpour, my dark clothes nearly soaked by the time I reached the Canadian border. I fell to the ground, and for the first time in my life, I felt like my body was about to give out. Since I had become a vampire, I had never felt like I was dying. I had felt pain and horror, but never had I felt like I couldn't go forward. Even when I left Bella, I knew I had to keep going. I was saving her, and I knew that some part of her, no matter how small, still loved me. But this pain was different.

This pain was shear torture. My deadened heart was being ripped and twisted, burned and blistered until there was nothing left in my chest. My silent screams jolted through me as every tongue of fire scraped out of my heart. Her mind, her blank, beautiful eyes, her sad smile-everything about her pulsed through me, like a heartbeat. But that didn't matter. Nothing mattered, existence was pointless. Everything that mattered was gone. I had no reason to carry on, no reason to keep up with the shell of a life left inside of me.

I stayed there, on my knees, and I felt like I was burning. Every breath ripped another bit of my heart out, every whisper of the wind felt like stabs into my mind. I screamed aloud, a gut-wrenching scream of terror. I sucked in a lungful of air, and my mind whirled with what felt like nausea. All too soon, the air was gone. I gasped through my teeth, each separate breath seeming to scrape the life out of me.

I squeezed my eyes shut, and tried to pretend that I was lying beside her. I tried to imagine that I was still in Forks, her sweet scent still swirling around me. But nothing worked. My heart was torn over again, and I let out a lone sob. "Bella, Bella," I whispered to myself. I curled into myself, trying to block out the world. Through my manic breakdown, I heard a shrill ringing fill the air around me. My phone. I couldn't bear to reach into my pocket and talk to another soul. Anyone besides Bella calling would force me into a catatonic state.

My mind went over everything about her, the endearing way she walked, talked. I felt my chest heave as I let out all of the pain. But this pain was an ocean, it was too much. None of this would've happened if I hadn't left her. She might've gone through this pain when I left her, which seemed so long ago. I let out another scream, because her pain hurt much worse than my own.

She didn't want me. I couldn't keep up with life. There was only one answer. Volturra.

**Thanks to all my readers! Sorry about such a short chapter, but i figured we needed some mention of Edward up in here! kinda cliffy, because nobody knows what is going to happen! not even me... so i'm not sure how it'll end up :) but anways, as always, PLZ REVIEW! p.s. i hate an edward in pain :'(**


	27. A Strange Infatuation

So read your books, but stay out late  
Some nights, some nights, and don't think  
That you can't stop by the bar  
You haven't shown your face here since the bad news  
Well I'm here till close, with fingers crossed  
Each night cause your place isn't far

And hours pass, and hours pass, yeah, yeah...

Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes  
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean  
For it to feel like this  
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised  
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?  
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got  
So keep it steady, now  
Cause every inch you see is bruised, bruised, bruised

-Jack's Mannequin, _Bruised_

The walls of Volturra loomed above us, seeming to be soaked in sunlight. They were intended as a sense of welcome and security. To me, they only warned of the next months of being trapped, consumed in a world of pain. The surrounding land was made up of beautiful, rolling hills, the color of shining emerald. It would've been breathtaking to someone who was looking forward to coming here. But I thought of the hills as the waves of pain, and the walls as a prison for me to rot inside.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" asked Alec in a voice that was much too bright for my mood. I just nodded numbly, my mind wandering. My little one was kicking around inside me, still as afraid as when we first entered the airport.

"You know, you're not a very good traveling partner. You don't say much. But I guess that's alright; I just prefer someone more…conversational. Not to be rude though," he kept talking, a little smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. Again, I nodded without any emotion. He just sighed, apparently giving up on trying to get me to talk. Instead, he looked at me, his eyes seeming to probe mine, trying to see what was wrong. I didn't like people to stare at me, especially bloodthirsty vampires, so I sunk lower in my seat, letting my dark hair hang like a curtain between us.

Alec kept driving, his speed seeming much too fast for this winding path up to the city. I still didn't understand the need for speed some people had. It must just be a…vampire….thing. I clutched the empty whole that used to be my heart, feeling a rip of pain. I sucked in a lungful of air, which seemed to scorch my throat. The burn radiated to my chest, another pulse of pain resounding every time my heart beat. I would never have believed it, but this pain almost hurt worse than the pain of months before, when _he_ left me. The ache of my heart was gone, replaced with the burning of an open hollow in the middle of my chest, where my heart should be. I knew physically, my heart was there. But I didn't feel it. And even if it was there, it was empty, except for the burning. There was no tearing, only searing.

"Isabella, are you all right? You look…pained," asked Alec in a slightly worried voice. I just nodded again, not trusting my voice. If I unlocked my lips, screams would erupt. If I blinked, tears would explode like a waterfall.

We pulled through the city gates, the guards just nodding to us- or rather, Alec- as we passed. I was shocked that all of the guards were human, not immortal. I thought that Volturra was the capital of vampires, no humans involved. Alec followed my gaze, and chuckled. "Yes, there are people here in Volturra. Actually, most of them are very friendly. They know nothing about vampires, and if they suspect us, we just dispose of them." I shivered when he said the word "disposed." I knew too well what he meant by that.

We drove through the different streets, which seemed to twist and turn, covered in shadows completely- like a tunnel. We wove deeper and deeper, until it seemed like we would never emerge from the center of the city.

But suddenly, light seemed to peek through the car, and I was temporarily relieved. Then I realized that our short journey was coming to an abrupt end. I was giving myself over to vampires that were bound to be much less welcoming and charming than Alec. The lights became brighter and brighter, and it was evident why Alec was wearing so many clothes. He had sunglasses, long sleeves, all of them being black.

I was shocked to see even more people than before, all gathered here, in the heart of the city. Alec wove through the hoards of people, none of them much liking his actions. I was afraid the whole time that he would hit one of the pedestrians. But I should've remembered-vampires never mess up. They aren't clumsy, and they are always alert to what's going on. That's why we got through the center without as much as a scratch on the shiny car.

And then, the city disappeared as quickly as it had come. Alec had driven the car through another tunnel-like street. This one was short though. We reached a dead end, where Alec parked the car. "Go ahead and get out," he said, though not rudely. I got up stiffly, sore from all of the sitting I had done in the last few days. I looked around me. We seemed to be at the very edge of the city. The buildings surrounding me and the wall was all there was. I couldn't detect another living creature around me for what seemed like miles. But I knew that was impossible- the city wasn't really that large.

Alec didn't bother waiting for me. By the time I saw him, he was already at least 10 yards ahead of me. "Hey wait up," I yelled, a little frightened. He paused, waiting for me to catch up with him. I sprinted ahead, tripping over my feet when I was about 5 feet from him. I held my breath and braced myself, waiting for the blow against the ground that never came. Alec had caught me, an instinctual reflex. I looked up into his eyes, never before realizing how beautiful they were. Not as beautiful as… I let out the unsteady breath that I had been holding. Alec just stared back, a shocked look on his face. He didn't seem to be alarmed at me though. Before I knew what happened, I was on my feet again.

That short moment was over before I knew what had happened. I looked away from Alec, because I knew what was going on with me. It was the same thing that had gone on with Luke. I would fall for him, only because he was helping me in my time of need. That wasn't right. I knew that I would never be in love with anyone else, and there was no use even giving in to myself.

"Come on," he said, his voice sounding somewhat tense and shocked. I followed him, and we walked into a deserted little house. It was run-down so much that I was nervous it would collapse on me. But I went in after him, because I was going to die anyways. My little one was silent inside me, like it was waiting in suspense for what would happen next. Inside, it was so dark that I couldn't see anything. I hesitated in the doorway, since I couldn't see or hear Alec.

Out of the darkness, I heard a quiet laughter. Before I knew it, Alec's arm was wrapped around mine, and I was being led farther into the cavern-like room. His cold arm around me was comforting, for some reason. It seemed to help me remember that I wasn't alone.

The room seemed to be endless, and in my blindness, I had no idea where we were going, only that it seemed to be miles. We walked and walked, until my legs started to ache in the slightest. When my mind registered that, we were already there.

We walked through a wall of white light, and it reminded me of one of my nightmares…

_The forest was black. I was running and searching for light. I was searching for a voice. I was searching for anything and everything. It was hard to tell where I was going; the ground was swirling like a watercolor painting. I kept running into trees and running out of breath. My chest was aching with exhaustion. I kept running, trying to find something, anything familiar. Through the branches I saw a bright light. I ran towards it, feeling a shred of hope. I made it through the forest, tripping and stumbling. I had finally reached the light. It was like a wall of blinding white. I stepped through it…and fell. I fell into a dark void. Nothing made sense anymore. I tried to scream, but there was no sound. There was nothing, just black. Finally I felt something. It was the hard smack of my back against water. I was in a watery grave, and I was scared. This time, I couldn't tell the end was coming. This time he wasn't with me. There was nothing at all._

How long ago had I dreamt that- months, years? Time seemed to mean nothing anymore. But realizing what had happened with that dream made me more afraid than ever. I stopped abruptly, my legs locking in place. My body seemed to know what was coming, even if my mind didn't. Alec stopped, seeming to be alarmed by the sudden end. "Bella, are you all right?"

But I just shook my head back and forth, because I knew I couldn't go forward. Alec looked at me doubtfully, shrugged, and scooped me into his arms. How many times had I been carried like this? How many times had Edward…? And I couldn't hold back the pain.

My heart exploded in my chest, my mind reeling for something to hold myself above the pain, but there was nothing. I felt the tears fall like rain down my cheeks, and Alec stiffened beneath me. My heart burned with the torture that only his name had brought me. "Bella…Bella?" he kept asking me in whispers. I threw my hands against my ears, because I didn't want anyone to call me by that name. I never wanted to hear the name of that girl again. I hated her, I hated me. Because _I_ left _him._

How could I have ever hated Edward? Everything was my fault. It was so unfair for me to think that I could love Edward, and then leave him- drop him like he was worthless. Didn't I remember what had happened to me? Didn't I remember what it was like to have no one understand? Shouldn't I have remembered how nothing helped me? No love would ever compare to his, and yet I had left him.

But Alec was oblivious to this realization inside of me. The only thing that he noticed was the fact that I was in the middle of a mental collapse. All of my barriers of numbness had fallen, and I was left open, exposed, to all of the pain and memories. He kept walking through the light, and my mind took control at some point, though I don't remember exactly when. All I know is that it was suddenly very dark, and very, very quiet.

***

My eyes were greeted by the bright glare of the sun. Except when my eyes adjusted, I realized I seemed to be hundreds of feet below the surface of the earth. I knew this because there was one skylight at the top of the ceiling, high up above me. It seemed to be the height of a skyscraper. In my wonder at the building around me, I heard a soft, deep voice croon my name.

"Isabella," his voice seemed to wrap around me like velvet, how pleasant it was. I turned towards the sound, and was greeted by an aged, yet completely angelic face. His hair was a dark brown, to his shoulders. His eyes were a startling shade of burgundy, and his skin was an unnatural pale. But the skin was wrong. Instead of being smooth like marble, it seemed to be paper-thin, more delicate than my own. The seemingly harmless face was familiar. Too familiar…

_I was in a dark, winding corridor. Doors were everywhere, each of them leading into the unknown. I didn't attempt to open any of those, afraid of what lay behind. No, my destination was at the end of the hallway. There was a bright light, as white as the one I had seen while I was in my coma. This one was even more dazzling, if that was possible. I kept walking along, until I reached the white. I ran through it, and landed in a place that was very, very dark, and very, very, cold. I couldn't see anything except for ominous shadows dancing across the black walls. I still went forward, able to see the cloud of my breath due to the cold. Those little clouds made everything even more menacing. Eventually, I came to a different kind of shadow. This one seemed to be hiding something. I stopped, realizing this was the end of the long hallway. A person emerged from the shadow. The man was clothed in a long black robe, reaching the floor. He turned towards me, and I noticed that his eyes were a fierce and startling blood-red. He wasn't a person, but a vampire. I froze in terror. He pulled something out of his robe. It looked like an infant, so small and feeble. The baby opened its eyes. They were the most beautiful shade of blue I had ever seen. My baby- the vampire had my baby. I dove at him, not caring that my attempt would be worthless. I wasn't strong enough to save my child, no matter how hard I tried. I grabbed for my baby, but my arm was caught by the vampire. He threw me, and somehow the floor disappeared. I fell into the dark void, screaming. "NO!!!!!!!"_

I couldn't hold back the scream that escaped my lips, or my hands folding over my stomach protectively. He sauntered closer and I closed my eyes, sucked in a deep breath, and said my final prayers.

But instead of the pain of death, I felt an icy hand caressing my cheek. "How strange," he murmured. "What an odd effect she has on our kind. Alec seems to be besotted already with her after just minor days, and I myself am feeling slightly infatuated to her." He let out a sigh and shrugged. I could do nothing but stare into his eyes like a deer in headlights. "Isabella, my name is Aro. I hope to get to know you much, much better in these next few months." The smile he wore when he said that started an acidic burning in my throat, like I was about to throw up. But I hid it. This was the last chance for my baby, for the Cullens, for Edward. His name brought another round of shocks and strikes of pain, but i held it back. _Never come back_, resounded in my head and I hung my head in defeat.

**Aro is creeptastic! but i have the whole story planned out, so its coming to an end... would u guys rather have a happy or sad ending? please tell me as you comment! :D thanks to readers!**


	28. Convenient for Your Inconvenient Needs

**Luke's POV!!! I figured we all needed a little update after his heart has been shattered! We all know he's a jerk, but hey- jerks have hearts too!!! **

You said this was all you have  
and its all I need  
but blah blah blah  
because it fell apart  
I guess it's all you knew  
and all I had  
but now we have  
only confused hearts  
I guess all we have  
is really all we need

so please  
let's take these broken hearts, and use  
lets use only what we really need  
you know we only have so little, so please  
take these broken hearts and leave

-Jack Johnson, _Cocoon_

It's just another crappy day at crappy work in this shitload that is my life. Since Bella threw me out of her house- to put it lightly- I've been more or less depressed with my own miserable life. I just wish that somehow, I could've made it better. There had to have been some way, somehow, that she could have forgiven me. If I wasn't so straightforward, if I wasn't so pushy. Those were always my worst points. Besides my devastatingly beautiful good looks, I'm not as shallow as you might think.

My shrink told me that I put up a wall- a façade in her words- to keep people from getting close to me. Apparently, I have issues with that because of my father's abandonment. He was a druggy and an alcoholic, and like they say- the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. So that's why I see my shrink, and why my mother worries about me constantly. That's also why I've been in rehab twice now. I hate seeing my mother cry- I hate how this kills her. I can see her withering away inside, just like Bella was.

So, learning from my shrink and her all-seeing self, I have decided that was why I was so drawn to Bella. I saw how hurt she was, how much pain she was in, and I wanted to help her. I wanted to be her friend when she had no one else. My mother says I'm such a caring, kind, person underneath the mask of juvenile delinquency, or something like that. She's a very poetic person, as my shrink calls it. I call it a nutcase in need of a little help, which is why I'm here, but whatever.

So now, every time I close my eyes, I remember her face. I remember her huge, brown eyes. I remember her infrequent smiles, and how my heart warmed every time I saw one. I remembered her kisses, the way she walked, and her voice. All I have to say is that I hate Cullen. I hate the way he hurt her, the way he stole her from me. But most of all, I hate myself. I could've worked this knocked-up thing to my advantage. But no, I didn't plan it out, so here I am with a broken heart.

The little bell above the door sounded, and another customer walked into the Quick-Stop, the convenience store I work at. I said lazily, without looking up, "Welcome to the Quick-Shop, the convenience store here for all of you inconvenient needs."

"Hey Luke," sighed the gloomy voice of Angela Weber. What's the matter with her? She's so happy all the time… might as well find out.

"'Sup with you little miss sunshine?" I asked in my most sarcastic voice.

"Uh, besides my best friend taking off without an explanation and my boyfriend breaking up with me after two years, I'm just peachy!" she answered in the same sarcastic tone I used.

"Touchy, touchy..." I mumbled under my breath. "So what're you here for?"

"My inconvenient needs as you put it," she answered. She really was in a bad mood.

"Well, tell me if I can do anything to help with that." I said, and looked back down to my magazine.

She came up to the counter, and since she was the only one in the store, I took my time ringing her up. Oh, it pissed her off, I could tell.

"Could you hurry up?" she asked impatiently. I looked up into her dark eyes, and my breath caught. I had never realized how pretty they actually were. I looked back down to recover myself. I really looked at the items she was buying and tried to laugh silently- unsuccessfully.

"Mother Nature not treating you kindly?" I asked with a slight smile. In front of me, she had placed to boxes of tampons, a bottle of Tylenol and some other feminine stuff I couldn't even name.

"Yeah, you could say that." She answered in a tired, weary voice. I had never seen Angela like that. She was always worried about other people's problems, but never her own. Or she was too happy, so happy it got on my nerves.

"Sorry. I guess. I can't really sympathize with this kinda' stuff," I replied with a shrug.

"Well, I hope not. Unless you have something to tell me?" she asked with one eyebrow raised.

I laughed again, and between the chuckles I answered, "No!" After we both stopped laughing, I said, "I had no idea you could be funny."  
"I do have a slight talent in the area of humor." She answered wryly.

"Hey, don't take to offense. I didn't mean it in a bad way. You should take it as a compliment."

"Oh, should I?" she asked, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, you definitely should. If I got a compliment from someone as breathtakingly handsome as myself, I would be flattered." I said with a cocky smile. She didn't seem mad, like some girls would. She seemed a little amused, like she was putting up with a stubborn child.

"Well then, I'm flattered," she answered, looking up from underneath her eyelashes. How did girls do that?

"Uh, hey," I said after I regained my composure. "You wanna' go out some time?" I looked into her eyes, testing her reaction.

She chewed on her bottom lip in a way that was much too adorable. "Maybe." She said with a little smile. She surprised me by turning and starting out the door with her bags.

"Is that a yes?" I shouted after her. She turned around and nodded her head with a smile. I smiled back, and when she was out of sight, I sat back down. Angela. Angela Weber. Who would've thought?

**Happy ending for Luke and Angela! I didn't like him being left as a huge a**hole. He really is sweet in his own way! But anyways review, and we'll get back to Bella, Edward, sadness, and depression! Oh JOY!**


	29. Unresponsive

**I am like so surprised at how many reactions I got to the whole Luke thing! I always liked him, and even though he's a jerk, he's nice sometimes. I mean, he helped Bella out a lot. And Angela and Luke needed to have their story all sealed up. I don't know if we'll hear about them again, but if you want to- let me know!**

I will break into your thoughts  
With what's written on my heart  
I will break

I'm so sick,  
Infected with where I live  
Let me live without this  
Empty bliss,  
Selfishness  
I'm so sick  
If you want more of this  
We can push out, sell out, die out  
So you'll shut up  
And stay sleeping  
With my screaming in your itching ears  
I'm so sick,  
Hear it, I'm screaming it  
You're heeding to it now  
Hear it! I'm screaming it!  
You tremble at this sound  
You sink into my clothes  
And this invasion  
Makes me feel  
Worthless, hopeless, sick  
I'm so sick

-Flyleaf, _So Sick_

I had never felt pain before this moment. At least, not this kind of pain. This pain was worse than all other pain. Nothing compared to the burning I faced after I had been taken to my apartment. That's what they called it at least. It seemed to be more like a mental institution room. It was the exact opposite of everything else I had seen in the tunnels of Volturra. The room was at the end of a long hallway, the only door standing out in a severe white.

Alec had taken me to my room, not even bothering to try and talk to me. I was silent, and afraid past any words at all. I walked at the pace of a zombie, and I did not think at all. Everything was numb; nothing registered with my brain, not even the click of the door as I was shut and locked in my room. I stood, facing the wall across the door for an immeasurable amount of time. I stayed like that until the pain broke through my seemingly impenetrable shield in my mind.

It broke as awareness trickled through me, and I took in the room around me. The room was small, with one bed against the far wall and no windows. Everything was white except for the metal bed. Even the sheets were a sterile white, and the walls a pale cinderblock. I closed my eyes and hoped for this all to be a dream- that I would wake up in Edward's arms and everything would be alright.

But hope failed me, as always. My heart ached slightly, and I knew the pain was growing more pronounced every second. I was aware that my legs were failing, and that my arms didn't move to catch me as I fell to the ground. I knew that I had hit my head, my face. I realized that I was bleeding, blood pooling on the ground around my head, but I simply didn't care. I closed my eyes and drew my legs up to my chest in the fetal position, as was routine. My stomach got in the way, but I simply didn't notice. It didn't make a difference- the pain hurt worse. I gasped in a deep breath and winced as the pain sliced open my heart and dissected it, piece by piece from my body. I was being twisted and my chest mangled as I lay unmoving, on the ground. My tears mingled with the blood, as they fell in a surge down my face. Each salt tear seemed to sting my cheek like drops of blazing oil.

After some time, someone must have smelt my blood. Before I knew it, I was being stood up, though I didn't perceive it. My mind was absorbed in the pain. I was being shaken, by whom, I didn't know. They weren't going to get a reaction from me. At some point they realized that, and propped me up on the bed. I stayed perfectly still as they mopped up my blood on the floor. If the person were a vampire, they must've had strong resistance. There was _a lot _of blood. Not that I noticed at the time.

My eyes were frozen to the wall across me, and they did not stray for as long as I can remember. The person tried to put something in my mouth, like some kind of food. I was unresponsive, and there was no way I was going to react. Finally, I heard a loud sigh, and I was left alone to my pain. I let out a wavering breath, and I felt reality come back to me.

The pain wracked and crashed through my body again. I curled up on the bed as I had on the floor and shuddered repeatedly, as my skin turned to ice. It felt as if all of the life was being sucked out of my body and into my heart, where the fire raged. I squeezed my eyes shut and somehow, I never came out of that realm of pain.

***

_5 months later_

Days or weeks didn't matter. I had no idea how long it had been since I had eaten a real meal, how long since I had seen another living being. It all meant nothing, because I was being kept alive against my will. I had refused to eat, so I now had tubes in me, feeding the baby and me. The pain never let up, but I remembered to adapt. Now, I know how to hold above the pain. My baby doesn't move inside me, because I am numb. And as long as I am numb, so is my baby. At least, that's what I tell myself. I haven't had an ultrasound since I found out I was pregnant.

Today, a man came in my room to refill my "food" bags. He barely glanced at me, already used to my catatonic self. So I startled him when I spoke. "Hello?" I said, more of a question than a greeting. The man jumped and turned to face me slowly, like I could kill him at any moment.

"Yes," he spoke, unsure of himself. I looked at him, this stranger who had come into my room nearly every day since I had been here. His skin was a smooth, deep russet brown beneath the pallor. Though he spoke with an accent, his voice was smooth and deep, nearly as beautiful as… yet I refused to think that thought. His hair was short and dark, almost black. His eyes were dark, like he hadn't eaten recently. He was exotic and handsome and someone I could never view as either of those things. There was only one person in my world that was worth being called beautiful, inside and out. The selfless, vegetarian vampire that cared about my soul more than his happiness. But I didn't dare think any farther than that, since my heart was beginning to ache.

"What's your name?" I asked in my whispery, rasping voice. It sounded all wrong since I hadn't used it for so long.

"Felipe," he answered in his soft voice. I just nodded, carefully thinking about how I would phrase my question. "Do you need something, Miss Isabella?" he asked hesitantly.

"Uh, yeah, I was wondering if maybe I could get a check-up on my baby." I asked quietly. "I mean, it seems almost lifeless, and I just want to check on it. But there probably isn't anything wrong, but I just want to make sure because if there were something wrong, I'd want to know and…" I babbled, my voice fading at the end because I realized how stupid I sounded.

"I will ask Aro if that would be permitted," he said with a nod of his head.

"Thank you so much!" I answered with more hope in my voice than before. But that was where I had went wrong- I hoped.

**What will happen next? REVIEW PLZ!!! sorry it's so short, but i don't have the patience for super-long chapters. I really want to get to the good part of the story!**


	30. More Than the World

You can only move as fast as,  
Who's in front of you,  
And if you assume,  
Just like them,  
What good will it do,  
So find out for yourself  
So your ignorance,  
Will stop bleeding through.

You can breathe today

So many lies swirling,  
All around you,  
You're suffocating,  
The empty shape in you,  
Steals your breath,  
You're suffocating.

-Flyleaf, _Breath Today_

Beep…Beep….Beep…. I was in the only hospital in Volturra, a very small building with a few doctors. I was getting a check up on my baby, because no matter how much I never wanted to venture into the light again, I had to for my child. The person doing the ultrasound was just now squirting the cold bluish gel across my stomach. They stuck the instrument against my round stomach, and searched for a heartbeat. _It took longer than it should've_, I realized as my eyes were glued to the hands of the clock, seconds ticking away and ringing in my ears. Finally, when my heart was pounding in my chest so hard that I thought it would burst out and when my eyes were threatening to overflow with tears, she told me the results. I was thankful, but terrified. "Your child is alive, but we need to take him out. His umbilical cord is wrapped around in what could become an extremely dangerous knot."

I let out the breath that I had been holding in a burning gust, and closed my eyes. My baby was no longer just a child. My baby was my _son_. And he was on the verge of dying. Pain and panic choked out my heart, and frantic tears rolled down my face. _It will be okay. Everything will be fine_, my inner voice chanted. I refused to believe that any other outcome would be possible. My mind couldn't even accept the fact that something else might happen.

I was wheeled on the cot through a short hallway, and into what was apparently where I would be having a c-section. The lights were a blinding white, which petrified me all the more. I would much rather be in the comfort of my own dark room, waiting for my life to end and my son's to begin. But reality sucked me in and I closed my eyes again, attempting to block out the brightness.

"Stiamo andando cominciare l'ambulatorio," said one of the surgeons. I just stared uncomprehendingly while someone whispered in my ear, "We are going to start the surgery." I knew that voice. Alec was here with me, when no one else was. I looked up at his face, blurred by my tears.

"Thank you Alec," I whispered, my voice rasping. We both seemed to acknowledge that I was thanking him for much more than just the translation. Alec was the only person that seemed to care about me here in Italy. He was the only person I wanted around. He was the only person that wasn't allowed to come near me for that very reason.

I rook another deep breath, closed my eyes, and waited for the pain which didn't seem to come. Oh, I felt the tugging at my stomach and the odd, painless cutting sensation. But I was numbed, as Alec told me. But because of the lack of pain, I couldn't tell how far I was into the process until I heard a shriek.

This shriek was beautiful, awe-inspiring, and magnificent. Because the screams and cries belonged to my son, and I knew that out of everything in the world, this child was what I could not live without. My heart swelled up, to nearly twice the size my old heart had been. I loved my son and would never let anything happen to him. He would be safe; I would take care of him. At least, those were the thoughts that passed through my mind in the first few seconds. But then, as always, reality crashed over me and I was sucked into my world which was as black as the souls of the Volturi. These few days in the hospital were the first and last I would ever spend with my son. Yet I pushed those thoughts away, and swore to myself that I wouldn't think about the millions of negatives in this world around me. My son would know my love for these days, until he could remember me and his first days no longer. I would give all of the love I could to my child, never letting him leave my side until he was ripped from my cradling arms. Though he won't remember me, won't know me as his mother. Another would take my place, all for the price of his life. That was a price I would pay. A price I had to pay.

I watched and listened as the doctors babbled on and on in Italian, all the while holding my child and not knowing how much he needed to be in my arms. The time seemed to drag on for hours, days, yet it was mere minutes.

My son was placed in my arms, and I knew he was mine. My arms were shaped to hold him, his body the perfect size for fitting into my embracing, bony, limbs. I looked at him for the first time, and my heart exploded with warmth. His red face was flushed and his eyes were wide with shock. How strange it must feel to him. His whole world had been turned upside down. How bright it must be, how loud. I knew how he felt. His eyes were a sparkling, bright, ocean blue. They were twinkling in the bright lights, and I could almost tell how he felt. His eyes seemed to show emotion, and I thought that they were showing love. I sighed in wonder, and smiled for the first time in months. He had a lot of hair for a newborn. It was dark, nearly black, and sticking up in irregular tufts. His cheeks had a rosy flush to them, just like mine always did. His face was almost identical to Luke's though. He was beautiful.

And he needed a name. I had never thought about that part, about what I would ever name my son. I always thought that I had ever wanted a child, unlike all of the other girls when I was younger. I never realized how much I would want a child until I had my own. I remembered them talking about what they would name their kids, and thinking that they were stupid for planning that far into the future. I would listen, and if they ever asked me, I would just shrug and say that I hadn't thought about it- which I hadn't. But now, I wished that I would have some idea about names. Yet one name kept emerging in my mind. There really wasn't any other choice. It had to be reminiscent of Edward and me, his last remembrance of his real parents. His name is Anthony. Anthony Swann.

I looked into his eyes and whispered, "It's me, mommy. I love you more than the world, Anthony Swann." And then I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, and thought played his life in my mind. He would be loved by a couple who could take care of him, without the danger of mythology surrounding them. He would grow up and be whatever he wanted, whatever made him happy. Because he would have love from his new family. Most of all, I would love him more than the world. And there is no way he could forget that. At least, that was what I hoped.

Hoping- one of the things I should stop doing.

**Happy chapter! But don't worry- it'll be depressing in the next chapter! I promise! Please Review! And it would make my day...no my year- if i got at least 100 comments by the end of this story! **

**p.s.- searched to see if swan was a name. Turns out, one n means a girl name and 2 n's is a boy name. and i tried to find a name that was like super-meaningful, like "forever loved" but i couldn't find anything! o well. i guess my searching powers are relatively suckish! oh boy, are mah cheeks redd! :O**


	31. Indestructable

I lit my scars in a new cigarette's light  
The heart crawls to meet the shock  
So life has first begun when death wins

It is so deep  
It is so cold

It is so sharp  
It is for foretold

I cast the dust into the path to really see  
The bonds of my blood turn so cold  
All the childhood's memories scream inside of me  
The pain for this world sets the other free

It is so deep  
It is so cold  
When the colors blend to black

It is so sharp  
It is foretold  
Via the end

The loneliness won't leave me alone  
Summer infernal paradisial hell  
The sheer absence is the only prison  
I understand now – The toll of the bell

-deathstars, via the end

**~EPOV~**

If there were a word for my love I would write it on a piece of perfect, pristine, white paper. I would make sure it was bleached colorless, not a single streak of dirt across it.

Then I would burn it.

I would burn it until there were merely ashes left.

Because my love seemed to be withering away, worthless as ashes. It was always as powerful, as mind-consuming as always. But my love was insignificant against the world surrounding me. The world was one that didn't care, a world with no second chances. My world was utterly and completely black and lifeless. Lifeless and black as the ashes burnt.

So it made sense for me to lie in wait for death in this indestructible room. Aro had placed me here long ago, as soon as I had come to him with the request to die.

*flashback*

I walked among the humans, who I ignored. I acted as if they didn't exist. Because they didn't- at least not to me. Nothing existed except for her voice, her face, her eyes, her sweet, consuming smell. And all of that, all that I wanted, refused to come to me. All of that stayed stubbornly out of reach. Because she didn't want me. She didn't love me- at all.

I walked through the huge crowd and straight into the tunnel leading to Volturra. It was dark and bleak, and if I weren't a vampire, I would be blinded by the darkness. But as always, I was an immortal. I curse the day I became a vampire, because I couldn't be human with Bella. I was always putting her in danger. I also cherish that day, because I was able to stay alive long enough to meet her, to love her, to hold her in my arms and not let her go.

I kept walking through the tunnels at a slow pace, a human pace. I didn't have a reason to move faster. All that was coming was my demise, and there was not enough joy in that thought to move me forward. My end was coming nearer, and that was all I could look forward to.

I was greeted at the end of the tunnel by Jane, looking thrilled to see me. That was exceedingly unusual. The small vampire had always hated me. Though I had no idea why, I think it had to do with my choice of lifestyle. "Hello Edward!" she greeted cheerfully, something evil hiding behind her bright red eyes.

"Hello Jane," I murmured with a nod in her general direction. She glared at me for a very short millisecond, and then the evil smile was back. I almost liked her glower better.

She turned with a quick, "Follow me!" over her shoulder. I obeyed without a word, not in a mood to reply sarcastically.

We walked into the classy elevator, where opera music was playing. It seemed much too light and optimistic to belong here in the lair of the world's evilest vampires. Jane didn't bother making small talk. I could nearly see her jumping with excitement as she stood. She was carefully blocking her thoughts, so all I could understand was the very dark, malevolent aura enveloping her mind. I was instantly wary, as if this would have a very disturbing affect on my existence. But I pushed that thought away, reassuring myself that nothing could get worse.

"So how's your Isabella? Will we have to _visit_ her?" asked Jane after we reached our destination. I just stared at her coldly, my anger flaming out around me. She had to notice the energy radiating from me, but she just smiled slyly, knowing how much she was hurting me. Her thoughts were repulsive. All of the ways Jane would plan to kill her. Burning her alive. She was stabbing a knife through her heart. She was poisoning her so that she threw up until her heart finally stopped. The anger was no more. Anger was replaced by single-minded, sheer rage. Jane saw that in my eyes and backed away, though her face was still smirking. "You wouldn't want to do that," she said in a sweet voice. "Aro will make you regret ever laying a hand on me."

I didn't care. I struck my hand out, the speed blinding. I caught her by the throat, pushing her against the wall until it cracked. I was expecting her to burn me where I stood, to make me feel the worst pain imaginable. But instead, she shocked me by laughing. She laughed loudly, a strange little girl's giggle. I dropped her, presuming that she was possessed. She just stood there, the laughter finally stopped. "Oh, this will be fun."

She turned and ran off, and I simply walked forward, unable to find the strength to run. She could tell Aro. He could kill me slowly, painfully, and I wouldn't care. He could do anything to me, and my heart would be as stone as my body. Nothing would affect me.

I arrived in the main room a few minutes later. It was huge, the ceilings seeming to reach the sky. Sunlight flashed through the room, sparkles scattering against the massive walls. Everyone paused to stare at me as I sauntered through the room. Apparently, they had all heard about Jane's and my encounter. There gazes of wonder and glares of hatred bounced off me, impenetrable to my shield of numbness.

"Edward Cullen," greeted Aro in a harsh voice. I didn't say anything, I just held my hand out, waiting for him to get it over with. As I had predicted, Aro walked up to me and stretched his hand out to mine. His hands were cold, even for a vampire's. His skin wasn't smooth, but thin and fragile. His head bowed, along with mine as he read my thoughts. He winced occasionally, and I knew what he was seeing. My pain as Bella left me, the hopelessness as I screamed at the sky. The exchange was over nearly as soon as it began, and Aro looked at me, pity in his eyes. But there was something else glinting there, something I couldn't identify. It was something I didn't want to see.

"You know what you did," he said with a sigh in his rasping voice. I just shrugged and said, "Do with me what you will."

Aro nodded and yelled. "Alec! Lead young Mr. Cullen to his quarters." And at that, Alec appeared his face one of regret and remorse. He said nothing, just walked forward and I followed him.

We walked through hallways, and I thought I heard something that sounded familiar. I heard something that pulled at the edges of my memory, but I couldn't place it. Alec hurried us along by walking faster through the cavernous hallways. At the end of the longest hallway, he came to a stop at the single door in the hallway.

"This room is completely sense-proof. You will not be able to hear, see, smell, or read the thoughts of anything outside of this room. You will be completely isolated until…well… you get the idea. I'm sorry," he said while opening the door. I just walked in and watched as he closed the door behind him. He didn't have to tell me what was coming when I would leave this room.

I wouldn't come out until the end.

*end of flasbeack*

And so here i wait, my end approaching quickly, rapidly. And if she was right, if I had a soul, I might get to see her in heaven. I might get to love her one last time. But that's just hope. A blind, senseless, hope.

**Please review!**


	32. Slipping

Confusion in her eyes that says it all  
She's lost control  
And she's clinging to the nearest passer by  
She's lost control  
And she gave away the secrets of her past  
And said I've lost control again  
And a voice that told her when and where to act  
She said I've lost control again

And she turned around and took me by the hand  
And said I've lost control again  
And how I'll never know just why or understand  
She said I've lost control again  
And she screamed out kicking on her side and said  
I've lost control again  
And seized up on the floor, I thought she'd die  
She said I've lost control  
She's lost control again  
She's lost control  
She's lost control again  
She's lost control

-joy division, _she's gone crazy_

So, I've decided to stop believing. I do not believe in hope, faith, and happiness. Because none of it seems like it ever existed. Nothing has ever existed except for this black hole of pain and psychotic dreaming. Just yesterday, I believed in love and hope. I believed that maybe there could be a fair, just world. I thought that there could be a world that gave second chances, and new beginnings. And that was all because of my son, Anthony. And as always I hoped, and my life comes crashing down again into misery.

I was sitting in my bed, just mere hours since I had first seen my son, since he was brought into this world. I was still high from the joy of bringing him into the world, still smiling at his beautiful face in my arms, when it happened.

I heard nothing, her passage so silent. So it startled me when a tall, thin woman walked into the room. She had raven-black hair, which seemed to bleach her skin even whiter- if that had been possible. She seemed to gleam in the faint light coming from the single window in the room. I looked at her perfect, marble face. Her cheekbones were perfectly angular, and all of her features were flawlessly severe. I looked into her eyes, and my heart seemed to stop. They were the bright scarlet of a vampire. I knew her immediately, though I had never met her. Liana, the murderous vampire who had tortured my dreams was standing before me. How sad for her that I hadn't slept in months.

I had expected her to harm me in some way, to glare at me, to tell me that I would be killed sooner than I had expected. But her gaze was not aimed at me. It was aimed directly at my son. She was looking at him quizzically, almost enchanted with him. Or she was excited to think about ways she could harm me, using him as a weapon.

"So," she said, a poisonous smile slowly spreading across her face. "Anthony, is it? He is quite beautiful, surprising, since he came from you." She laughed a short, strained laugh.

"What do you want?" I asked, my voice nearly a whisper. I waited for an answer, for some reply.

Liana's face tightened, like it was frozen, unfeeling. Though she didn't speak a single word, I knew what she was about to do.

"Please. Don't! Just…could you give me like another day, or another hour….Please!" I nearly screamed at her.

But she didn't seem to hear me, or she just didn't listen. She sauntered forward, her hips swaying in such a rhythmical way that it could've put even Alice to a competition. That made her even more dangerous, even more frightening. I held my son tighter against my chest, attempting to keep him with me for as long as I could. But I realized it was worthless. Liana would take him, and I couldn't even put up a fight. My heart pulsed along, the speed making my heart hammer in my chest.

She was at the side of my bed now, holding out her arms, hoping for me to give my child away without her having to use force. My fear was replaced with a rage stronger than any I had ever felt before. I glared at her, my anger feeling like a flame around me. I knew the adrenaline was moving through my bloodstream. I took this as my only opportunity to escape, even though I knew it wasn't worth the try.

I moved, faster than I ever had before, off of the bed. My feet landed on the hard tile floor, and I wasn't sure if I could hold myself up. I knew if I didn't have the adrenaline, I wouldn't have been able to get off the bed. But I didn't make it to the door before I felt a rock-hard hand around my arm. Liana pulled, throwing me onto the bed with such a force that the bed screeched in protest. The wind was knocked out of me, and I found my child was missing from the cradle of my arms.

I looked up. Liana was holding my baby, embracing him into the crook of her arms. She was smiling at him, talking in a high voice, like most adults talk to children in. "Come on baby," she said with a little giggle. She gave me a glare that seemed to pierce through my bones, and turned. Without another word, she left the room, taking my child with her.

I felt the bed being sucked out from underneath me, and an icy fist closed around my heart. I needed to follow her. If I didn't, Anthony would be gone forever. I slid off of the bed, and stumbled across the room. The tubes in me were still attached, preventing me from moving anywhere else. I ripped them all off, and ran forward. The hallway seemed to stretch in front of me, unending, limitless. The more I walked forward, the longer it seemed to stretch. And the more it stretched, the closer the walls became to my body. They were closing in, just like my nightmares. I kept tripping, until I couldn't keep going. I leaned up against the wall, just for a break. My legs had another idea though. They fell out from beneath me, and I fell forward, my adrenaline gone. Breathing seemed harder, and I couldn't exactly remember what I was trying to do anymore- only that if I stopped searching, it would mean the end of me. It would be the end of my life with my son, the end of my fighting.

That was where Alec found me, nearly unconscious on the floor of the hospital hallway. Thankfully, he found me and not some doctor. They would've kept me here for even longer. But Alec knew that I couldn't bear to stay here another minute. That's why he picked me up in his arms and moved at his vampire speeds to get me out of that place. All it would remind me of now was where my child was stolen from me.

He streaked through the city, until we reached the entrance to underground Volturra. I held on to him firmly, not wanting to let him go. I was holding onto him like he was a ledge above a rushing river. If I let go, I would fall to my doom.

He walked through the dark hallways, trying to get me to my room as quickly as possible. He ran faster, and the wind whipped my hair against my face until it stung. In only what seemed like minutes, we were at the door to my prison cell. He opened the white door, and walked into the room, placing me on the bed. His breathing was normal, even, as if he hadn't just ran at the speed of a car driving down the highway.

Alec looked me in the eye, holding my shoulders tightly to prevent me from falling. "Are you alright?" he asked in a pained voice.

I shook my head slowly; all feeling already disappeared from my system. "He's gone," I choked out inaudibly. Those words pulled on the edges of the hole in my chest, to make them burn even more than they used to. They tugged on my memory, forcing me to remember, even though I knew I didn't want to.

_"Goodbye, Bella," he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice. "Wait!" I choked out the word, reaching for him, willing my deadened legs to carry me forward. I thought he was reaching for me too. But his cold hands locked around my wrists and pinned them to my sides. He leaned down, and pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant. My eyes closed. "Take care of yourself," he breathed, cool against my skin. My eyes flashed open. The leaves on a small vine maple shuddered with the gentle wind of his passage. He was gone. _

I could feel Alec shaking me, and I could hear my screams. They were shrieks of fear, of agony. "No! No, no, no!" I screamed, my words muffled by the tears that flowed in a torrent down my face. My eyes were pinched tightly closed, because I couldn't bear to see the world, my world without Edward. The pain ripped through me, and I clutched my stomach tightly, unaware of the damage it was doing to my stitching.

"Bella, Bella!" Alec said quietly, anxiously trying to calm me down. I felt his hands caressing my face, trying to sooth me. At that, I just screamed louder. I didn't want anyone to touch me that way. Edward had held my face in his hands before, and I never wanted anyone to hold me except for him.

"Let go of me," I screamed, shaking now. The pain was causing me to writhe and shudder, even though I couldn't possible move. My breath scraped through my teeth as if I were trying to breath underwater. The air hurt as my lungs took it in, as if it were saltwater. And Alec was still there, staring at me, desperately trying to comfort me.

"Just go!" I shrieked through my teeth. I didn't want to hurt more people than I already had, but nobody could see me like this. I was slipping off the ledge of sanity, and falling headfirst into somewhere I didn't want to fall back into. I could barely feel Alec let go of me, and stand up. I couldn't hear the door shut behind him, or the click of the lock. But I felt it, as if I was alone. And I was. Nothing would change that until the day I died, until I was hopefully allowed into some sort of life with Edward. But even if that didn't happen, I would embrace being nothing- absolutely nothing.

Somewhere through the crying and screaming, through the pain- I had fallen asleep. I didn't know how that was possible, or even that it even happened until I awoke. But that was what happened when I felt this way. It was just me and the pain and nothing else.

I woke up, and somewhere in my self-conscious, I was wary. I felt like I should be fully alert, watching, waiting. But that was most likely just a reaction to the unthinking, unfeeling stupor that was threatening to encroach upon me at any moment. I would welcome it, but it moved slowly, covering me gradually. It would come soon, but not soon enough.

I was startled by the sound of keys being stuck in the lock, opening it. I froze, watching the door, waiting for Felipe to give me some food, or Alec to apologize. But neither of those vampires was waiting at the door. The one who was waiting there sped my heart in my chest, making it work twice as hard as if my blood had frozen to ice. And that's what it felt like.

"Good morning, my Isabella. I hope you slept peacefully," he said, smiling sickeningly. His voice was barely more than a loud whisper, though smooth. It would've sounded comforting to anyone if they hadn't seen the look in his eyes.

"Aro," I said quietly as a greeting, my eyes locked on his. He walked quietly, his footsteps making no sound- like a ghost.

"So, I hear that the birthing went well," he said, as a polite conversation opener. Every time he spoke though, he took a few steps closer. At the end of the sentence he was sitting on the bed beside me. My fog, my shield, wasn't coming quickly enough.

"Umm, yes." I answered, my heart beginning to scream at the thought of my son.

"I have decided to do you a great kindness," said Aro, his eyes raking over my body in a way that made me feel like throwing up. "We have decided to extend your life, for the moment. See, we feel that your possible gifts could be very valuable to us. We'd like to…assess how they work. Also, _some_ of us have become slightly…_fixated_ with you." At that, he put one of his hands to my face. It started sliding down my cheek, my neck, my shoulders…

"Please don't," I said through gritted teeth, my eyes becoming watery. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone doing this…especially Aro. It was sickening, terrifying. But my feeble defense wasn't enough against him.

"Shhh, Shh," he whispered gently, trying to calm me. It took all that I had to not scream. I pressed my hands to his chest, trying to push him off of me, but that was useless. He would do what he wanted to, because I couldn't stop him. And I had left anyone who could've saved me.

"Please," I said one last time, my last plead. But he didn't listen. He leaned over top of me, his ice-cold body pressing on my weak one lightly. I closed my eyes as he leaned down, his lips on my neck. _I'm so sorry Edward…_

**Everyone please review! I've always hated Aro and thought he was a creep, so this is him as a ginormous creep! poor Bella, she never gets a break :( o well! REVIEW:D !**


	33. Be Careful What You Wish For

I love the way that your heart breaks  
with every injustice and deadly fate  
Praying it all be new  
and living like it all depends on you

Here you are down on your knees again  
trying to find air to breathe again  
And only surrender will help you now  
I love you please see and believe again

I love that you're never satisfied  
with face value wisdom and happy lies  
you take what they say and go back and cry  
you're so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down on your knees again  
trying to find air to breathe again  
And only surrender will help you now  
I love you please see and believe again

they don't have to understand you  
be strong  
wait and know I understand you  
be strong  
be strong

Here you are down on your knees again  
trying to find air to breathe again  
Only surrender will help you now  
The floodgates are breaking  
they're pouring out

-Flyleaf, _Again_

Instead of my heart pumping blood, it seemed to be pulsing a numbing ice throughout my system, trying to block out the shock and horror of what was happening.

His cold breath washed over my skin, like winter dancing across the surface. If I closed my eyes tight enough, I thought I could imagine that it was you. But then I would remember soon enough, when I heard his dark, terrifying, whispery voice. I would try to block it out, screaming out to the numbness that wasn't coming. I tried to keep it under control, but my tears became too much, and they spilled out from my eyes. And when the tears came, the screams were not far behind. "Get away from me! Get off of me!" I had screamed. But that was not enough. He didn't listen.

I had no idea how much time had passed before he decided to stop. He simply got up, and walked out of the room with one last look at me thrown over his shoulder.

I lay there, shaking and shuddering and crying and screaming. I tried to play memories in my mind, but found each one different from how I'd remembered it. Nothing looked right anymore. It was like all I had ever seen or heard was dark and clouded. At least, all of my memories of Edward were. Maybe that was because I had tried for so long to not think about him, that I actually forgot him. And that hurt worse than Edward leaving me.

My room wasn't as empty as a prison cell, only as bleak as one. There was a white bookshelf, with an assortment of books- the only colors in the room. I didn't want to read anymore. There was no point. Because all of those happy endings were never going to happen to me. They were make-believe. I got up slowly, stumbling over to the table between the bookshelf and dresser. On it, I saw some blank white papers and a colorless pencil. I took the whole stack of papers and the pencil, and curled back up on my bed. This was my last resort.

My eyes were burning. My heart was wrenching. I had been trying to draw his flawless face, his eyes, his clothes, something of him. But the memories didn't come. And since the memories wouldn't come, I couldn't draw them out. I tried to draw his face by memory, but it was hidden in the murky darkness. I couldn't remember his face, his voice, or his smell. I screamed out in frustration and fear. If all I had to hold onto were memories, and now I didn't have them, what would be left of me?

I lay there, thinking of how nice it would be to die. How nice it would be to go back to that place where I was floating in nothing, feeling nothing. I could actually try to climb my way up to the white light. And, maybe, if I got there, I could truly forget at the least. At the most, I would be with Edward. I would take either gratefully.

As I was contemplating that through the tears, I heard the doorknob turning. My breath hitched, and I didn't even breathe. I was following the childish instinct. If I didn't make a sound, it wouldn't find me. If I was completely covered by my blankets and against the wall- the boogeyman couldn't get me. But none of that ever worked with vampires. Especially creepy old sadistic ones.

Aro walked in, as I had feared. He walked in the same quiet, haunting way. He almost looked like he was floating, how graceful he was. In the same way as the night before, he sauntered over to me, where I was curled up on the bed. He said nothing, and he didn't do anything besides lay over top of me, and I knew what was coming. And I had a feeling that this would never end. The night continued the same as the one before it, my screams and tears not being enough. His hands still pulled me tighter to him, even when I tried to push him away.

After it was over, he left and locked the door behind him, like he did the night before- like he would in the days following. By the fifth day though, I had had enough. I was losing it. My brain created things to keep me away from the pain. I would wake up at night and instead of my room, I would be back home in Forks. Charlie would come in and smile. He would say "good morning," and wish me good luck at school. The remembrance hurt too much though. I would start crying, my heart shattering piece by piece, and the vision would fade. I would be back in my cell, twisting in pain.

It was a different scene every day. Sometimes I would be at Forks High School. One time, I had apparently run out of happy places. Instead, the cell was a swirling rainbow of colors where there had only been white before. That was when I knew I had officially lost it. And this wasn't like the insanity before. That was from the drugs and alcohol, and whatever else had been in my system. This was just my brain and nothing else.

As I woke up on the fifth day of this horrible pattern, I had a plan. It was my dream. In the dream, I was banging on the door, trying to get out. Of course, that didn't work. Instead, I decided death would be the easiest, simplest way out- like I had thought so many times before. And this time, I had no one to worry about except myself. I wouldn't be able to go back to Charlie or _him_ again. I was stuck here, but I was going to get out, one way or another.

I followed the instructions in my dream. I carefully picked up one of the legs on the cot-like bed. I slowly slid my head under it, hesitantly. Even if I wanted to die almost as much as everything else in the world, my instincts were still threatening to intervene. Everything inside me shied away from the thought of actually going through with this. But I had to. It would mean the end of my suffering, the end of me.

I was just about to slam the leg through my temple, but a hand pulled me out from the bed and lifted it above me before I even knew what happened. I lay there, my mind racing, by heart beating. Alec was standing above me, glaring down. "What were you trying to do! Trying to get yourself killed?" he yelled. I just cowered against the bed, now that he had set it back down.

The tears came without warning. I started talking without thinking. "I'm sorry. I just want to die! Is that too much to ask?" I said, between the sobs. Alec didn't answer. Instead, he pulled me up against him, trying to comfort me. He was the only person there who really cared for me. That was the only reason he was yelling at me- he didn't want me to die. I hugged myself closer to him, ruining his black cloak with my tears. He didn't seem to care though. He just held me until I stopped crying, until I fell asleep. I guess at some point he put me on the bed and covered me up with a blanket. But I didn't remember.

I was roughly shaken awake in the morning. I was expecting Alex, but instead my eyes landed on someone entirely different, yet almost exactly the same. Jane was standing above me, looking frustrated. "Wake up!" she said loudly, almost shouting. I slowly pulled myself up and awkwardly rubbed my tear-swollen eyes.

"Oh this is a mess. I'll have to take you to the bath house, and then set to work on those horrible tangles," she mumbled mostly to herself. I had no idea what she was talking about, or why she was here.

"What are you doing here?" I drawled sleepily. She just sighed in annoyance and after what seemed like an eternity she started to answer me.

"Okay, so apparently, you tried to off yourself last night. Alec stopped you, obviously. Because as far as I can tell, your heart is still beating. Anyways, my brother went and told Aro, Marcus, and Caius about the incident. And they all decided to give you your wish. I have to get you all prettied up for your execution!" she said, nearly smiling by the end of her little speech. "Don't get me wrong, I hate you. But I love giving makeovers. And vampires are already beautiful, so I don't get to do it very often. But here you are looking all… human. So we have some major work to do," she said, eyeing me like I was repulsing her.

"Why would I have to look good for my execution?" I asked. She just shrugged, but in her eyes I saw something evil glinting. Whatever was happening, I think she was more excited about someone else's pain than giving a makeover.

She must've seen that in my eyes though, because she pulled me to my feet abruptly and started dragging me out of my room and down the hall. I felt almost naked, because all I had on were my tank top and pajama shorts. Jane was fully clothed in her black dress complete with stockings and black heels. Thankfully, the trip was a short one to the bath house.

Jane opened the door and locked it behind her. I turned from her, and looked around me. The room was made completely of marble, even the tubs. Steam rose from the surfaces, where flowers rested atop the water. The whole room smelt of a mixture of flowers, the main one being lavender. I looked up and saw a skylight, and looked back at Jane. Her skin was throwing beams of light around the room. She was perfect, sparkling and looking like a model. I instantly felt inferior in my tangled hair and bony body.

I was still comparing our looks when Jane came over to me and stripped my clothes of in seconds. I sucked in a breath as her cold hands touched my skin. After that, she set me in a bath and told me "Hold still and try not to kill yourself. I'll be right back," with a glare over her shoulder. So I tried to do as was told, and relaxed. It had been a while since I had bathed, and the steaming water felt good against my skin. She was back in a minute, with an assortment of soaps and shampoos. I closed my eyes, submitting myself to the torture.

We were in what seemed like a salon, and Jane was blow-drying my hair. She had put in some kind of product in it to make it shine and glimmer with ever move I made. Instead of my regular, plain brown, my hair was a shining chestnut color. When she was done with that, she put my hair in rollers so that it would curl. She did this all in silence, and I was comfortable with that. I didn't know how to talk to anyone anymore without thinking about it.

She evened out my skin tone with foundation, and after that, I gave up trying to keep up with all of the different things she was putting on my face. She dusted some dark brown shadow on my eyelids, and black mascara that made my eyelashes seem to grow inches. She put pink blush on my cheeks, because I didn't blush any other way anymore. She finished it off with a bright, cherry red lipstick on my lips. It looked like the color of fresh blood, which made me want to throw up a little. She took down my hair. I gasped when I looked at my reflection.

My hair was cascading down my shoulders, to my waist in waves. My face was cream and roses, a beautiful combination. My lips actually enhanced the look. My eyes looked wide and deep, more so than they had been in what seemed like years. While I was still marveling over the beauty in the mirror, Jane pulled me up roughly. I turned and followed her, though unwillingly.

She put me back in my holding cell with the same instructions as she told me earlier in the bath house. And again I obeyed.

When she returned, she had a dress on a hanger. She unzipped the bag, and a red, silky, sleeveless dress was hanging there. It was shimmering slightly in the light. She put it on me, and it felt weird the way it slipped over my skin. I had gotten so used to just wearing my cotton tanks and shorts. I looked back in the mirror she had brought with her, and again marveled at the person in the mirror. Along with her face and hair, her body seemed to be flawlessly slim, her skin just as pale and luminescent as before. She was so beautiful that she almost looked like a vampire. I quickly banished that thought though. I knew the end was coming. That meant I would never become immortal. I accepted that. Anything was better than the pain.

I was led through the long hallways then, until we came to the end of the corridor. The light seemed to blind me. I hadn't seen so much light since I had been outside. That was how I knew we were in the main room, the throne room. Alec greeted me at the entrance, and held my hand in his. He squeezed it lightly, and I did the same back. We both knew this was the only goodbye we would get. This was the end.

And I was grateful for that. But what I saw as I stepped through the doorway made me wish I had never made this request. One of the sayings my mother had told me echoed in my head. "Be careful what you wish for. It might just come true." And oh, did it ever. With that single glance, I knew the reason behind this. All of it clicked in my mind when I saw that face. The reason I was being made-over was to make me seem more beautiful than ever. It would torture him even more. And that made my heart ache uncontrollably. Edward was being forced to watch my execution. And that was more than I could take.

**Dun dun dun! Cliff hanger! Anyways, please review and tell me your thoughts! The link to see the dress in on my profile page! Thank you all for supporting this story!**


	34. Destroying Souls

I walk alone  
Think of home  
Memories of long ago  
No one knows, I lost my soul long ago

Lied too much  
She said that she's had enough  
Am I too much?  
She said that she's had enough

Standing on my own  
Remembering the one, I left at home  
Forget about the life, I used to know  
Forget about the one, I left at home

I need to run far away  
Can't go back to that place  
Like she told me  
I'm just a big disgrace

Lied too much  
She said that she's had enough  
Am I too much?  
She said that she's had enough

-Three Days Grace, _On My Own_

**~EPOV~**

Would it ever be possible for words to describe my pain when I saw her face?

Her beautiful face- framed by her cascading brunette locks- seemed to be excited, though for what, I couldn't figure out. It haunted me, because she looked like she was overjoyed at the thought of her demise. And that single thought seemed to make my heart burst in distress. At that moment, I truly hated her. I hated Isabella Marie Swan because I loved her too much.

She was happy that she was about to end her life, the only thing in the world that mattered to me anymore. I loved her so much; I would give my soul, my life a thousand times over just so she wouldn't have pain. And yet she could stand there, nearly smiling, at the thought of her own death. And all I could think was about how it would feel to hold her in my arms once again, her sweet scent washing over me. I had not fed for months though, so I knew that if I were to hold her in my arms, the monster might emerge, crushing her life as quickly as the Volturi would. But I knew in my own selfish ways, that I would take that chance.

I was fuming in rage. That is, until her chocolate brown eyes met mine. It seemed like all of the time passed had disappeared and we were together again in the meadow, where I showed her what I really was. There was no fear in either of our eyes, no pain. It was as if we were the only two beings in the universe, and everything else had vanished. And in that infinite moment, I knew that she still loved me as much as she always had. And once the trance broke and she looked away, I knew for sure that this was going to hurt a lot worse than anything I had ever been through before.

She walked with a grace that was dizzying. It made me wonder what had happened to my Bella, the one who couldn't walk without tripping over her own feat. This Bella floated, like she was nothing but a ghost, a breath of wind. And when I looked into her eyes, I nearly gasped. Her eyes were dead, hardened. They were no longer the endless pools of love. Instead I saw a hard wall blocking all of her emotion that I used to be able to read so easily. My eyes grazed down from her eyes to the rest of her body, and what I saw made me feel like screaming.

When I had first come back to Bella, her body was scarily thin, her bones protruding out of her skin every time she moved. That thought alone had made bile rise to my throat. I had thought, _what has she done to herself? Doesn't she care about whether or not she dies?_ But now I see that she does care. She wants to die. She'd do anything to die.

Because what used to look like a mild case of anorexia, was know a full-blown epidemic. Her skin was tightly stretched over her bones, and they were sticking out much more than before. I had a feeling that if she pulled up her shirt enough for me to see her stomach, there would be a hollow middle section and her ribs would be prominent. She looked like she would fall over and die at any section, which was probably exactly what she wanted.

She looked at me every few seconds, with terror in her eyes. I wasn't sure I knew this girl that Bella had become. But I loved her, and I would do anything to save her. Jane saw that in my face, and she knew that anything I tried to do would be to no avail. They would win, the Volturri always win was what her smirk said. But I would try until my last breath to save her. I would try to save her until they burned my body to ashes.

Bella walked forward, Alec guiding her to Aro. When they approached him, he stepped forward so that his and Bella's bodies were nearly touching. "Isabella," he spoke softly, almost to seem like killing her pained him. "I really do hope you'll think about our preposition. You could join us, me, here as an immortal. It really is a waist to kill you now." But Bella just shook her head, knowing that being captured as one of the Volturri would be worse than death. Aro sighed and put his hands on either side of her face. He leaned in, almost as if he was going to kiss her on the lips. But he was married, and Bella was nothing but a human to him. So it shocked us all when his lips touched hers, and Bella closed her eyes tight, as if to will it all away. My disgust was completely controlling my body, and I screamed out in rage. That made everyone jump, as if they were not expecting my outburst.

Aro just smiled at me patiently, evilly. "Mr. Cullen, please come here," he said evenly, coolly. He held his hand out, expecting me to oblige. Which I really had no other choice but to obey. I didn't really care anymore. He could have all of me. Because if my love was dead, there was no reason for me to keep existing.

As our hands touched I was sucked into a vortex of his thoughts. I read all of his thoughts as he read all of mine. I was confused at first, but then it all started to make sense. Secretly going into Bella's room, forcing her to lie down, his filthy lips touching her precious throat. All of his thoughts swirled around Bella. Alec wanted her, Aro wanted her, even Marcus wanted her in his own way. My outrage was evident in my body, which I could tell. Aro saw that too, so he let go of my hand. I was about to lunge for him when Felix and Demetri each grabbed one of my arms and pulled me back, away from my target. Bella stood there, dazed, knowing what I had just seen.

Tears ran softly down her porcelain cheeks, and I knew how much she loved me right then. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, inaudibly. Human ears never would have heard it, but all of the vampires did. Aro just laughed and stepped closer to Bella.

"This will be quick, painless," Aro assured her. Her eyes desperately found mine, and what I saw was complete sorrow, complete love.

"I love you Edward!" she said loudly enough for me to hear. And then her body was falling, very quickly. But to me, it seemed to be slowed down, each millisecond slipping by as what seemed like hours. Her fragile body then hit the floor with a soft thud. Her heartbeat faltered, and the first drop of blood dripped softly onto the marble floor.

My rage overcame me; an adrenaline-like substance filled my now-dead veins. I ripped my arms out of Demetri and Felix's hands. They had no idea what was coming when I escaped from them I knelt down in front of Bella without thinking, and cradled her head in my lap. And I did the only thing I could do. I did it stupidly, selfishly, but I still did it. To the shock of everyone in the room, I bit straight into her neck, sending my venom through her body.

And that was it. I screamed out, realizing the gravity of the mistake I had just made. I had just taken Isabella Marie Swan's soul. She was now eternally damned, just like everyone else of my kind. She would be a soulless demon cursed to a life of eternal darkness.

I buried my face in my hands, crying silently.

**Thank u to all of my readers! Please review!**


	35. Tears of an Angel

**First of all, I want to thank all my super-amazing readers! Thanks for putting up with all my short chapters and overly-emotional storyline, and my ever-changing update patterns! You guys have to be like the best people ever! And thanks for all of the comments on this story! Nearly all of them were positive, and it makes me think that maybe in like… whenever I grow up- that I could keep writing! Again, thanks so much! And I will stop boring you now, and get back to the story!**

Well I can't pretend that I don't see this

But it's really not your fault  
When no one cares to talk about it

Cause I've seen love die  
Way too many times  
When it deserved to be alive  
I've seen you cry  
Way too many times  
When you deserved to be alive

Scars, they will not fade away.

No one cares to talk about it, can we talk about it?

Cause I've seen love die  
Way too many times  
When it deserved to be alive  
I've seen you cry  
Way too many times  
When you deserved to be alive

-Paramore, _Emergency_

~BPOV~

His face was there, as I dreamed it would always be. The memories crashed forward in my mind, as if a flood gate had come open, and they were pouring out. I had never forgotten him, and never would. He was my reason for existence. If nothing else, I had belonged on this planet to be with him. But they way it was going, it seemed like I was here for no reason but to destroy him.

Our eyes met in the briefest of seconds, and the world melted. All that was left was Edward and I. It was his mysterious pitch-black eyes and my plain brown ones. I could see through them, to the very deepest depths of his pain, and for the first time since I met him, I saw defeat. He was giving up, that much I could tell. But then, in that eternal moment, something in his eyes changed as they bore into mine. Something sparked inside them, came to life. And then I could see for sure what had happened to make them look like that. My eyes were like open books, he had once told me. I'm sure my love was plainly written inside the brown orbs. He knew now that I still loved him, and always had. My leaving now meant nothing. And now he would suffer even more, watching me die.

Alec pulled me along, breaking the trance. I quickly looked away, fearing that I would burst into tears right there. Each of my weaknesses would hurt Edward even worse, so I tried not to show them. He could do nothing to save me, so I might as well stand up and be strong. I wouldn't fear death. At least, I wouldn't show my fear of death.

I walked forward, the numbness pressing onto me, trying to block out the pain that would surely come. And I let it come. That was my stupid mistake.

We approached Aro slowly, I suppose. I really couldn't judge time correctly, because the numbness tried to block out everything. As soon as we stood before him, he said something. What, I couldn't be sure. I just stood there, shaking my head, wondering how I could ever thought of him as being merciful, or even the tiniest bit kind. He was a demon, soulless, just like Edward claimed him to be.

He did something unexpected then. He leaned in and kissed me, his lips brushing mine gently at first, and then more forcefully, trying to get a reaction from me. He might as well have been kissing a statue. I stood there numbly, knowing that I couldn't do anything to him except not give him what he wanted. I pinched my eyes together, trying to block out his disgustingly icy lips.

It was then that Edward yelled, so loud that it made me jump and Aro pull away. I hadn't been expecting him to react, he was always so controlled. It made my numbness shatter so that it was never there. It was like a rubber band, snapping back into place. That time, I heard what Aro said.

"Mr. Cullen, please come here," he said in his soft, wicked voice. He held out his hand, and Edward did the same, touching his fingertips to Aro's palm. They were exchanging their past thoughts. I had never seen it take place before, but it was obvious, the way there heads were bent as if under the weight of the world. Edward's eyes were flashing, as if in disbelief at each thought, while a slow, malicious smile made its way across Aro's lips. I watched intently, terrified of what they might be seeing.

And then I realized in horror that Aro would be seeing me and Edward together, each touch, and each kiss. But in return, he would be showing Edward every single thing in his past life. My breath caught in my throat, and my heart beat seemed to falter as I realized Edward be seeing every horrible kiss, every pain-filled night of Aro coming to my room. My eyes stung in hate. I hated Aro with a passion. If I could, I would stab him repeatedly in the back with a stake, and then tie him to a chair with metal spikes piercing his skin. I would the throw him and the chair into a huge cauldron of olive oil that slowly started to burn, to boil. I would boil him alive slowly, until he died his cruel, painful death. Of course that would never work, because I'm human and he wasn't. But even though I would gladly kill Aro myself, I would always hate someone else more.

I would always hate myself. I was too weak, too human- to hurt him back, to stop him.

I looked back up at Edward and Aro, still in there exchange. Edward tensed then, as if he was about to lunge at Aro, planning on taking him down. But of course Aro saw it. That was when Felix and Demetri took hold of Edward's arms and restrained him. I closed my eyes tight, willing away the burning, stinging of my tears, but it was too late. They fell down my cheeks, little droplets filled with all the hate, all the sins, all the sorrow that I could never express. Each one seemed to burn a hole through my heart, like acid rain.

Aro stepped forward, with what seemed like real compassion in his eyes. "This will be quick, painless," he said in what I hoped was a sincere voice. My eyes searched for Edward's one last time.

I hoped he could see that. How much I loved him. This was my last chance to let him know the depths of my love, my longing.

"I love you Edward!" I said, forgetting once again that he could hear me even if I whispered. _I love you…I love you…_ And before I knew what had happened, I was falling, crashing to my death. It was just like cliff diving, when I had wanted to die. Except this seemed to last much, much longer. I could see every single look on everybody's faces. It was like I was falling in slow motion.

Alec's face was clouded in disbelief, Jane's and Liana's twin masks of victory. Aro's seemed to be troubled, over the fact that he had just murdered me. That bastard. Caius and Marcus seemed to be in their own worlds, having seen enough executions for them to finally get boring. I saved the most beautiful face for last.

Edward's face was one of torment. His eyes were seemed to be searching my soul as if he couldn't believe that this was actually happening.

I took in one last breath. And then pain shot through my body like none I had ever felt before. I could feel my heart stop, my bones shatter, not being able to breath, no matter how hard I tried. And then darkness clouded my vision, and I was freed.

(~*~*~*~*~*~*~)

I was floating again, in the black space. I looked up to the bright white light, and down to the flashing red one. This time though, it was different. The portal that I had used last time was gone. There was no blue light. That was the way I had come back, the way I had kept on living. So this time, I knew that I was dead. And now there was no going back.

I laid back, my misty body nonchalantly floating through the waters. Even though I couldn't go back, I wasn't sad. I didn't remember anything about being back there, nothing about anything. I didn't know who I was or what I was. All I remembered was being here before. I remember going through a blue light that was no longer here. So I looked back up to the white light, and felt a glowing, a calling in me. Like I needed to make my way up there somehow. I stood up, nearly touching it.

But then, a fierce wind pulled me back, down, down, down. Down into the red light, where I was burning, twisting, sinking. I felt as if something was being pulled from something. I was being detached from the white mist. It was pulled away, the only thing keeping me afloat. I was then Bella again, and my memories rushed forward. But it was too late for me, I slowly realized. That white mist, the heavenly feeling, the glowing white light. My soul had been taken away from me. Edward was right.

I was being pulled back down through the light, down, down, down, I was falling. And then I crashed back into my body where the pain was unbearable. I suddenly missed the white light, yearned for it. I wished I was there like nothing I had ever wished before. But then I realized I had wished for this. I was a vampire, as I had always wanted. And it wasn't like I hadn't been warned.

The pain continued on. I was sure that I had been consumed by the flames, that I was in a place worse than hell.

I then heard the quietest whisper of weeping, an angel crying. And I knew that this would be worth it. Edward was worth it.

**It needed a little more drama, I think. In Breaking Dawn, Bella got everything she ever wanted. Here, I think they needed a trade off. Bella gets Edward forever, but loses her soul. I think that makes it more interesting. Anyways, tell me your thoughts, and most of all- REVIEW PLEASE! :D**


	36. A Lost Battle

Oh, we're sinking like stones,  
All that we fought for,  
All those places we've gone,  
All of us are done for.

We live in a beautiful world,  
Yeah we do, yeah we do,

We live in a beautiful world,  
Oh, we're sinking like stones,  
All that we fought for,  
All those places we've gone,

All of us are done for.  
Oh, all that I know,  
There's nothing here to run from,  
And there, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

-Coldplay, _Don't Panic_

The black was surrounding me, pulling me through the pain. Everything seemed to fade away merely by one ounce of the stabbing, searing pain. Nothing seemed to matter except escaping from it. But then all too suddenly I would remember Edward or Anthony. Charlie or Renee. Alice or Angela. And even Luke, as much as I hate to admit it. He still had a piece of my heart, just like anyone else. And yet with every separate stab of pain, that piece of my heart changed, diminished. It was like nothing was tying me to anyone, nothing that made me want to be with them. It was fading, just like my soul. And then I wondered if I was changing, or simply dying.

The more pain that washed through me, the more everything died away.

All that was left was pain and darkness.

And I waited through that abyss, nothing changing except for the burning getting stronger, tearing at my flesh, burning me alive. There was a strange pounding sound, loud at first. I recognized it as my heart. It was beating like a bass drum, hammering at an even pattern. I listened, my heart the only thing I could rely on. It seemed as if it was the only thing pulling me forward, pushing me through all of this torment.

But then all too suddenly, the beat faltered. The heat from my body receded from my limbs, my hands, my feet, and rushed to my heart. The metronomic beats were coming irregularly now, and it was harder to hear over the simmering, the burning of my flesh. And then the beats sped up rapidly, staccato, as if they were racing against the inevitable. My back arched, my body writhed, and a war seemed to start inside my chest. The venom was pumping, destined to conquer my heart, the last remaining organ of my human body. And my heart had already lost the fight before it began.

My heart pounded its last beat. _Ku- thump_. And then silence.

The pain had stopped.

That was all I could comprehend at that moment, and the relief of it all. Then I recognized a foreign strength rushing through my arms, my legs, and my body that had actually survived the fire. I could hear opera music playing from far off, and soft, whispery voices bickering from miles away. Everything around me was silent though, waiting. It was as if they were afraid, cautiously awaiting something. I could feel the people around me, not really people at all. They didn't breath. Their hearts didn't beat.

I opened my eyes slowly, gradually. My eyes met his eyes, and I was tied down once again, secured to something in this strange world.

**Sorry for the short chapter! I promise the next one will be longer, but only if I get lots of reviews! I got like at least 100 hits, but like 5 reviews. So everyone that reads this should review! Thanks! **


	37. Epilogue

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place  
If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday  
If only time flew like a dove  
Well God, make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

This time we're not giving up  
Let's make it last forever  
Screaming "hallelujah"  
We'll make it last forever

Holding onto patience wearing thin  
I can't force these eyes to see the end  
If only time flew like a dove  
We could watch it fly and just keep looking up

This time we're not giving up  
Let's make it last forever  
Screaming "hallelujah"  
We'll make it last forever

-Paramore, _Hallelujah_

**~EPILOGUE~**

I had awoken to the light of a new day, to the sun shining into the huge picture windows. Edward was smiling down at me, his face much more beautiful now than it had ever been before. In that moment, I decided not to tell him about losing my soul. He was happy, so much different than what we had been in the past years. I wouldn't do anything to ruin that.

We were back in Forks. Edward explained the whole thing to me, after my first hunt of course. It was exhilarating, the power pulsing through my limbs, the taste of sweet blood on my tongue. Of course, I messed up my first time. There was blood smeared all over me, and my clothes were torn into pieces. Edward didn't seem to mind.

After he bit me, he "borrowed" a car, and drove us to the nearest private airport. He had called Alice, requesting that she fly a plane all the way to Italy, to pick us up. There wouldn't be a way to explain why I was passed out in an international airport. Apparently, the Cullen's had even more talents and vehicles than I was aware of.

Edward had lain me down on his leather couch, since his room had been left unchanged in all of the time he had been absent. Nobody had gone inside, since it caused too much pain for them to bear. I had been afraid that his family would be angry at me, hate me for the rest of eternity. But they didn't. They only thanked me for trying to save Edward.

Neither Edward nor I talked about what had happened in Volturra. I still didn't know why he was there, but I had my own idea of what had happened. They had captured him, all because of me. But strangely, he hadn't hated me either.

But the biggest, most important thing that had happened was the fact that Alice found my son. She found Anthony, and took him from the orphanage that had been caring for him. And even though he was human, I found his blood repulsing. I could never dream of taking his life. He was my reason for existing, besides Edward. I believed it was my duty to bring him into the world, no matter what. My joy was overwhelming when Alice carried him into the room, wrapped up in a blanket, cooing. No matter if I was a vampire or not, Anthony was my son.

I still haven't talked to Charlie or Renee. Angela and Luke were still in the dark. I was still debating over how I could ease them into this world of the supernatural, or if it would be better to leave them out permanently. It would hurt, but I would have to be completely selfless. And I would have to accept that, when the day came.

But for now, we were a happy, slightly messed up vampire family, with the exception of Anthony. And I hoped for this to be the end of the pain, the misery, and the uncertainties.

**The End, Hopefully.**


	38. Hey you readers! :

**To any of you lovely people who've read this, I need some answers Should I make a sequel? Maybe not in Bella's POV, maybe someone elses? If you have any ideas for me, u should review them and I will take them into consideration! Thank you so much again for the overwhelming support! You guys are the best! Oh, and i would be overjoyed if you took a look at my other stories and gave some feedback :) (And I apologize for being away from fanfiction for so long!)**


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